Life on Life's Terms

I went to the Big Book Meeting in Woodstock tonight. When the room said the 'Serenity Prayer' I damn near broke into tears. My heart feels so heavy and acceptance is nowhere in sight. Fear and insanity are dancing around in my little blonde head like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. Thankfully, I don't want to pick up a drink, a drug, a gun or an attitude. I know acceptance is a process. Right now I am at the part where I want to change the things I cannot accept. That is SO undoable. I'm working on it.

It's so much easier to handle life on life's terms when it is throwing curve balls my way. When I was active, life didn't hit me so hard. Then again, there was no real joy, no real caring about people, no real anything just a hollow existence that left my soul feeling like a bottomless pit of nothingness. At least in the pain and fear that comes from life on life's terms I know the joy and the love and the caring from whence it comes.

Ann went "under the knife" today and has already managed to publish a blog entry. Now that gal's got spunk. Next Monday Kent goes to Boston for his "procedure" which may be big or small depending on how the ablation goes. Hopefully they won't have to crack his chest...he's already had it cracked years ago for the titanium valve. He's got a lot of spunk too. I apparently like spunk in a person.

They are two of the strongest and most courageous people that I know. I'm so thankful for that. I guess old soldiers (sorry 'bout the old thing there) get called back into war to fight different battles sometimes. It's just so hard being on the sidelines, so close and yet so far away.

Some people have a special place in my heart or perhaps I have granted some people that place. Two on the top of my list are under fire right now and I feel helpless. It's not that I want to run the universe. I just think I might like to give that 'ole supreme being a tip or two about how to do the job. (Yeah, like I could do it better, right!) Did I mention I am still working on the acceptance thang?

For now powerlessness feels like stubbing my toe in the dark at 3 AM. I have gone from half aware to wide awake and totally, completely and absolutely feeling it. While it is not really a pleasant feeling, I am acutely aware that I am feeling. That is the point of a sober life. That is life on life's terms.