Monday, November 30, 2009

The Battle of Again

The past is etched in the fire and brimstone of hell
Forming a story that I do not regret, though I know it well.
It wreaks havoc within the here and now sublime.
There is no holy nor unholy way to uncarve time,
To change what has been written in history's noble posts.
In my youth, they said the past had a haunting potential to create future ghosts.
I had no idea the truth of that platitude inscribed upon a tender heart,
No intention of finishing what I did not start.
Yesterday a mighty fortress imprisons, holding sweet emotion hostage again.
I am subdued, defeated, a pawn in the game of what has already been.
There is no fight to fight, no battle a fair struggle could ever win.
All the king's horses and all the king's men won't let me live those days again.
A war of vicious, malevolent words silently screams to be wildly spoken
At the untethered tearing of frail human bonds we have broken
While not a vile breath is whispered past lips that are pursed
With the empty abyss between us, there's no need to make worse.
The votes are in and the tally duly counted up right.
My spirit protests with every shattered bit of its might
Though the scorecard says I have completely lost the fight.
Surrendered to slumber to wait the dawning of the morning light.
In the 'Battle of Again' there's no champion ever to come forth
Save for the candle that lures in the unsuspecting flitting moth.

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Wonder of You

You are the dawning of the day and the setting of the sun.
Your manifest in so many ways, though you are the One.
It is Your gentle hand that lovingly guides me on my way.
Your spirit resides within me whenever I come to pray,
But more than this, You walk beside me each and every day.

You bestow such blessings upon me, both great and small,
With such loving abundance, I cannot even count them all.
I rejoice and I am grateful for You who bring me through,
For all things made known to me and the unseen that You do.
You are my God, my Savior, and my forever faithful friend,
My staunchest ally who is with me to the very end.

Your love for me is unfaltering, yet sometimes I doubt,
While You patiently wait for me to figure these things out.
You are the questions that I ask and the answers that I seek.
You are the font of strength I draw upon, for I am weak.

Thank You Lord, for Your saving grace on which I depend,
For all that You offer me, the abundant lessons that You send.

Thank You for the vision to see Your presence all around
And thank You especially for Your peace that I have found
Among a cornucopia of blessings with which my life abounds.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

How 'bout spiritual correctness?

It's that time of year again when my INBOX collects diatribes on the "Merry Christmas" debate.

When I see those emails I am reminded of a time in this country when one said, "Season's Greetings," or perhaps, "Happy Holidays," not because it was politically correct but rather, just because. There was no hidden agenda. People just spoke from the heart of good tidings to their neighbors and even to strangers on the street. Funny how it is now so controversial, something that was said for so long with no intent to discount Christmas. Rather it was a general greeting inclusive of all the winter holidays...Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years...not meant to be exclusive of Christmas...not meant to be inclusive in a culturally diverse way...just a pleasant way of wishing folks well.

It leaves me with a certain sadness. It's not a sadness because we can't mention Christmas even. It is a sadness that even in wishing others well it has become so necessary to choose one's words so carefully. Then I think how often I've heard someone sneeze in the recent past and folks have said either, "Bless you," or "God bless you," without thinking twice.

What's wrong with just accepting good wishes from our fellows and just leaving it at that? It'd be nice if we could just say what was in our heart when addressing folks. It'd be nice if folks accepted well-wishes in the spirit of being given something of intrinsic value.

I think I shall continue to say whatever comes to mind first when I greet people this holiday season. Some times it will be "Season's Greetings," or "Happy Holidays," and other times it will be "Merry Christmas." I think it is most important that what I say be genuine. It's not the exact words that matter cause if the words, whatever they be, are not in the spirit of the season, then I've really given nothing.

Then again, maybe I just think too much!

Monday, November 16, 2009


Last night I saw the most beautiful sunset. I looked up from my computer and noticed the light show on the horizon. It was absolutely phenomenal! I couldn't believe it. The color was so deeply rich and amazingly full, exploding on the skyline. Mother nature sure can make quite the statement when she sets her mind to it!!!

Then this morning I woke up in unbelievable pain. OMG! I took two Ultram and just stayed put...didn't get out of bed until almost 11 AM. Even with the pain meds, I couldn't move well. I took my second dose of meds around supper time. Yet, I am still not able to stand upright. I can walk hunched over in kind of a hobbling sort of way.

I've been through so many tests...the CT scan (abdominal and pelvic), ultrasound (including transvaginal..UGH!), GI series, pap smear, x-rays, blood work not to mention being poked, prodded and examined by a gaggle of medical professionals on numerous occasions. I am really sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm not sure what else to do.

I think it is worse right now cause I am late with my period. I should have started at the beginning of the month. So, today I am gifted with groin pain...on both sides mind you...not to mention burning, crampy pain going across my lower abdomen accompanied by back cramps. I hate my ovaries. REALLY!!! Whatever else is going on with this groin thing, my cycle is so not making things any better.

I am emotionally and physically exhausted. The anemia doesn't help. The only medication I can get causes serious constipation...which I cannot handle with the groin thing. The constipation makes my pain go through the roof. So I am not taking any iron right now. I was on Pruvate for the anemia and that was working without the constipation issue but now the pharmacy says they can only get SeVate, which is another generic that is equivalent. I beg to differ on the whole equivalency thing. Not being able to function cause the medicine causes constipation that causes pain that requires medication that also causes constipation is INSANITY, ABSOLUTE INSANITY! When I get to that point it is too painful to even TRY to have a bowel movement.

So, I have dozed on and off all day on the couch, with a heating pad on my lower back and another one across my lower abdomen while taking Ultram and existinging somewhere between hoping that I don't have to have another bowel movement today and praying that I do have another one that's gonna be the one that makes the pain dissipate.

I am not happy that I missed out on a beautiful day. I would have liked to go about my ordinary business of living. Convalescing sucks! And, I am sick and tired of doing it!!! Alas, the choice is not mine. And, the cramps are back and the groin pain is getting too intense...time to go hang with my heating pads. Being tethered to the wall is not a lot of fun but I am not as uncomfortable that way. I am going back to my couch...which is where I have been all day long...very, very long day.

Yuppers! It's time to plop down, plug-in and pass out...AGAIN!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


With you, the tic-toc of the clock takes on a whole new meaning.
Hours pass like seconds while time stands relentlessly still.
The love of a life happens in a single, sure beat of my heart
As forever whispers softly with every earthly breath I take.
Tomorrow and yesterday fade from shades of gray to black
While the eternal now consumes one moment of our lives together
Being with you, in our love, has shown me a glimpse of heaven.
As God's hourglass etches passing grains of sand upon my soul
In your presence, there is a timelessness that makes me whole.
This kindred spirit rejoices outside the bounds of time and space
Unending passion began within a magnificent God's bountiful grace.


Melancholy is the mysterious mayhem of midnight's madness
As slumber hides in recesses of unrelenting wakefulness.
Toss to turn tired tempted thoughts into this abysmal abyss.
Seek the sweet surrender to sleep's most serene bliss.
To drift,
Oh to waft...
Yes to float away on a river of dreaming world amiss
And to wander upon a state of illusion that simply is.
Wakefulness leads an over-weary head to wish for this.

To Dance A Wild Dream

Lay peaceful upon pillow's welcome rest
Between comfort of warm blankets
Upon slumbers chaotic breast.

Drift off to the disharmonious whirl of Id
Where subconcious ideation is openly hid
Nothing I've done is anything I did.

Beat pounds with grace in mind uncontrolled
With memory mixed with madness extolled
Insanity sashays delicate, yet bold.

Rhythm of unreality, elusive, so sweet
Has me whirling and twirling complete,
Victory be mine in this utter defeat.

There is no rhyme nor reason to extoll
My unfurled mind incomplete while whole
Dark, dancing images have gained control.

Will fancy take me to some place of delight,
Or to the hallowed recesses of untold fright,
What wild dreams will I dance with tonight?


Three A.M. and my butts out of bed,
What the hell is wrong with my head?

Well, it's not my head but my belly instead
Got that sensation that I've come to dread.

My gut's a rumbling and carrying on,
I wish this feeling would just be gone.

Wrapped in a blanket, pillow cuddled up to
Is something I'd really like to do.

Ah, to close my weary eyes for just a few.
What the hell am I gonna do?

Wish I could drift away to some dream state
But pain's priority, sleep will wait.

Want to bang my head against the wall
Let my brain into unconsciousness fall.

Alas, my neighbors are sound asleep
So I type and type without making a peep.

It's three A.M., no one to dial up at all
I sit at my keyboard awaiting slumber's call.

Yet I know when it's time to hit the hay again
It will still be about the pain that I'm in.

Frustration tangos in my disharmonious thoughts
With disconternations I seem to be fraught.
Slumber elusive, no matter that it's sought.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Warm Hearts, Warm Homes

So I decide to NOT go to the concert at the Westfield Congregational Church tonight. I gather up my jammies and start to drawn a bath. Well, 1 1/2 inches of water and it starts coming out freaking cold! UGH!

So what do I do? Hey! I can take a hint, a.k.a., a nudge from above. I get out of the frigid waters and toss on some clothes...AND AWAY I GO! I hiked down to the there early even. It was nice. I got to talk with Bethany for a while before the event and Kelly afterwards. I was surprised to find Bethany in charge of the reception and my buddies Kelly and Joe in the show.

Anyway, I just got back from the "Warm Hearts, Warm Homes" concert. I am so glad that I went!!! I heard some beautiful music that touched me deeply and had some laughs thanks to a couple of 'runaway nuns' and Killingly-Brooklyn's own sit down comic. What a nice down home evening.

I would have loved to see more folks there. It was for a good cause. The interfaith group was raising money to help needy folks with their heat this winter. It was lovely to see the young and the old together in community, in the interest of helping. My heart is indeed much warmer for the experience!

Friday, November 6, 2009


Scattered pieces marching to mayhems tune
as a shattered bland landscape
that confounds the ordered faculties.

Bypassed bits and perplexing pieces
threatening to go their diverse ways
carelessly travelling without a map.

Unable to come together in due time
apart and separate one from another
cohesive theory does not exist.

Yet designed to be united in a whole,
a vision of concrete human imaginings
complete upon a cardboard canvas.


Gritty world of limited time and space
The simple purview, that youthful place.
Not merely dirt but landscape too.
A small place apart for you.
Special arena where fantasy will do.
Like childhood through the hourglass
Silicone memories continue to pass.
Sculpted impermanent in a fluid medium
Change is the inevitable outcome.
Then one lonely day, the prince and princess
Come not hither for their grimy process.
They are grown, all gone and away,
So the sandbox idles till another day,
When another royal clan digs in deep
On the day they come to play for keeps.

What is this thing?

A wildly passionate chariot ride drawn by a reckless heart blazing across mystical skies beyond the speed of conscious thought.

Thinking fantastical imaginings of most fanciful dreams that are bursting with the hope that dares to be contained or restrained naught

Anything is possible in this realm with heart strings tugging at the helm.

The coldest fire darkens the lightest beasts of mind resurrected in the past, still dead.

To let go absolutely is the only way to succeed abundantly in embracing that dread.

Yet it is not to limit the joyous state of complete abandonment to the cloudy winds of twisted turbulence that consume the human soul.

It is the very act of faith of the only way known in which a person's shattered state can be gathered to become spiritually whole.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


Why is it that even though I know there will be bumps in the proverbial road, I'm still surprised when I happen across one?

Why is it so easy to admit that I am not perfect and yet so difficult to look at exactly how I am imperfect?

Exactly why is it that there are not atheists in foxholes?

Instead of insisting on having what I want why can't I want what I have?

Life is a journey, then I'll take the scenic route any day!

Why do we hire weather forecasters to be wrong all the time? Is that really a good investment?

If I believe in God and there is no God, what I have I lost?

Do atheists ever take the non-existence of god as a matter of faith?

If Nietzche is right and God is, in fact, dead, then would he be classified as an atheist or a religionist? Can non-existent beings die?

How did freedom of religion become absence of religion?

How could we dream big enough to send a man to the moon yet we can't imagine a woman in the oval office?

How is it that in our free enterprise system there are companies too large to fail?

The American dream was hijacked by Ambien, et. al.

"When you haven't got time for the pain..." If the answer is in a pill, what the hell was the question?

Maybe the reason we're losing the war on drugs is because the pharmaceutical companies keep pumping untold resources into public relations campaigns that insist drugs are the answer to EVERYTHING!

If prostitution is against the law, then shouldn't all those bank execs who screwed the American public and then asked for bailout money be arrested? We did just pay to get screwed, didn't we?

Why is it said by those who consider themselves patriots, "America, love it or leave it" instead of, "America, love it or change it?"

Why is it unAmerican to work toward changes in the United States and so patriotic to blindly follow without ever questioning?

I must be able to conceive it and believe it if I am going to receive it.

Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. Don't get wrapped up in more than that.

It doesn't really matter "who's on first' if your team isn't playing, now does it?

If I focus on the positive, then I don't have time to get mired in the negative.

God doesn't call the qualified. God qualifies the called. Don't try to qualify're not God!

The difference between me and God is that God never thought s/he was me!

It's said that if you can remember the 60's you weren't really there. Well, a lot of good things got said and done in the sixties but if we don't remember them, does that mean they didn't happen and they weren't said?

If a tree falls in the forest, isn't the forest still there?

Whether I accept life on life's terms or not does not change reality. Acceptance, however, does change me.

When one door closes, pay attention to what happens in the hall while you wait for the next door to open. The NOW exists where you are at, not where you want to be.

I am right where I am supposed to be, but I am not where I am supposed to stay.

It doesn't matter whether I learn from my successes or my failures for growth is always a positive outcome.

How I got here is less important than where I am going from here.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. What are you waiting for?