Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Hope is...

...a newcomer getting up for a 24-hour coin or tag.
...a dear friend and power of example getting a 13 year medallion.
...a sober breath. hair.
...putting in the effort and hanging around to see what the outcome will be.
...watching someone asking how to let go of a resentment and then listening to suggestions.
...listening to someone share about how they deal with anger and resentment.
...trying something different to see if I get a better result.
...service work.
...honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.
...asking for help.
...not being mired in the muck of the problem(s) du jour.
...looking to the power of example of those who came before.
...being the example I want others to see in me.
...basking in the glory of daylight.
...seeking out the brightest star on the darkest night.
...setting my sail toward my destination believing I can catch the right wind.
...doing the next right thing.
...reaching my hand out.
...reaching out to the hand extended toward me.
...doing the do's.
...moving forever forward.
...knowing standing still is really about losing ground.
...a parent with a child in a meeting.
...going to a meeting instead of going to a party.
...asking how?
...listening to new ways of doing things that I could never imagine before. hair times two!
...the "we" part of the program.
...seeking what I need instead of what I want. day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time!
...the only commodity that really counts.
...the currency of the heart.
...almonds and cheese and refreshing swims and walking home on a warm night.
...the best, dearest friend a soul can embrace.

I have the disease of more. Therefore, there is never enough. There never will be enough. The only way to hold my own is to stop playing the game...just for today! What "I" can do, has never been enough. Left to my own devices, I cannot find hope. I need others, just like matter how different we may help me along.

My disease offers hopelessness, darkness, helplessness, despair and desperation. It manifests itself in many different ways but none of them are good...none of them are positive...none of them are healthy. As an addict I can either live in my disease or live free from my disease. I can be mired in the muck or I can seek the hope that recovery offers. There is no middle ground, no half way point where I can exist in both worlds at once. It is an either/or proposition. when I try to hold my ground I live an illusion. If I am not moving away from my addictions then they are creeping up on me. That is an immutable fact of my existence.

It is hope that says I can make progress. Some of it is quick and some of it is halting. Some I resist until push comes to shove and I have no alternative but to change. Sometimes I embrace the needed change.

If I do today what I did yesterday, I have the hope that all will be well in the here and now. If I do tomorrow what I did today, then I can have hope for the future. Hope is not a default setting in my thinking. It is an acquired skill which I practice with more or less proficiency on any given day..but, I must practice it each and every day.

If I live in the positive...if I do the positive things I need to do...if I concentrate on doing the next right thing...then, and only then, have I accomplished the monumental feat of keeping myself going in a positive direction. That is how I live in hope. I can only do that to the best of my ability. Some days are surely better than others. Then again, any day I stay away from a drink or drug is a good day. I can rest at night knowing I have done that much right.

There's nothing today that a drink or a drug won't make a damn sight worse. If I don't do anything to make things worse, there's always hope that it will get better. Usually the "it" is me. LOL

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


So much going through my head right now. It's hard to think with this stuffy head happening. Gotta love a summer cold! I forget why again. LOL

Part of me feels stuck in the past. Same old, same old. Don't know how to sort all that crap out. I'll figure it out sooner or later. Of course, I would prefer sooner. Oh impatient me!!!

I don't especially care for those times when my head is spinning. This is one of those times. It's been a long time since I've been around a bunch of people feeling so paranoid about what I should and shouldn't do. That happened today. My old shit! Gotta love that too, I guess. Why the hell not?

UGH! I think I need a vacation. I need to find a way to get away and clear my mind. Mind you, a vacation is so NOT in the budget. Still, I know the things that work, that help to get me back to square one. I need to engage those methods so I can clear up this mess between my ears.

I could elaborate on all that, but among other things, I don't have the time or energy to put a book onto my blog. Better to walk the walk than to just talk the talk. Updates may or may not follow. Some things just don't need to be elucidated. As for what's going on in my head...who the hell knows?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

It's been a while...

Wow! I didn't realize that my last post was before my b-day, back in mid July! I gotta get on the ball with this. I really do enjoy the journaling aspect to this blog. It helps to keep me centered. And, it's not like I've been so flipping busy.

I have seen alot of doctors recently. UGH! My primary is referring me to a chiropractor and to my surgeon. I've had good expereinces with chiropractors in the past, so I am optimistic about seeing one again.

As for the surgeon's office, well that MA, Jeff, is something else. I feel like he keeps giving me the dodge. All I ever get from him is vague references to "well maybe when the doctor gets back (conference and vacation) you might want to make an appointment."

My doc called the radiologist at Day Kill'em yesterday. The clip in my right side has indeed 'migrated' between the September '08 CT scan and the one in June '09. Now, that says to me, that the surgeon should look into this. Enough is enough already! It's in the abdominal/pelvic area now and my cycle seems to effect it. Makes sense...fluid, bloating and all the accompanying changes that happen would certainly crowd out a foreign object or offer it opportunity to 'poke' me more. But hey, I'm no doctor. I'm just the owner of the body that is trying to get some flipping answers...and I have decided to go after those answers with a vengeance. Let's see how they like me now!!! LOL

Today, my groin is 100% pain free....has been for days. Got some achiness in my right shoulder but that's a whole other issue which, I am working on resolving. I will see the doctor next week about dat little darling.

Anyway, after seeing my doctor yesterday, Mel and I went to Cumberland's for coffee. I love their hazelnut decaf. Wouldn't ya know it, someone back into the car in the lot. I saw it coming but Mel was placing her coffee in the cup holder. It wasn't anything spectacular. We were parked and he didn't see us as we were in his blind spot. He was so apologetic and pleasant, feeling really bad about what happened. Soooo, we ended up in Putnam picking up a rental from Enterprise. It's a nice little Mazda...drives nice. Of course, now there is the whole dealing with the insurance company process...but since no one was hurt, there really wasn't a big bad down side to things.

It may take a while for his company to get on the ball. They told him they would send an adjuster out toward the end of the week. Guess this means we will be travelling to the open house in that pretty little white Mazda. Tsk! Tsk! LMAO

I am house/pet sitting this weekend. Me and Max will be hanging out some. I really love that dog. He is such a big galumph with personality. One of my favorite things is sitting down to watch TV with his head on my much the more convenient for petting him (and we both agree on that!).

No sooner will I get done with Max than I will be watching Sammy for Jenn and Kent. They are going to Maine for a week. Guess I will be very a wonderful kinda way. It's so nice to be able to pet sit since I couldn't afford to keep one of my own. Kinda like getting paid for renting'em. Now that's better than those rebates that manufacturers offer!!!

This Saturday is the open house at Ann's and then next Saturday is the Sober Cruise. In between we might hit the Sun game on afternoon game works best for us. And to think, I used to be a night owl.

It's also time to plan another jaunt to Riverview to visit Miss Ashley. We went up for her birthday and I am pleased to report a good time was had by all. All my fears about her not liking Mel cause she was so close to Kay were set to rest. The three of us shopped and then went out to eat thoroughly enjoying the day.

Oh well! I could ramble on and on. No one has ever accused me of being concise. LMFAO

I shall sign off now, resolving to write more frequently. Let's see if I do what I say!