Sunday, April 26, 2009

Here ya go...

I forgot how much I enjoy liver...till my iron got low and then I figured what the heck! I got some at the store yesterday and cooked it up. Very good stuff! Not every store carries it on a regular basis, maybe that's why I don't buy it generally. Nothing like a bit of motivation to get one cooking the good stuff! LOL

Apparently, my almost passing out was not iron related but probably Abilify related. That's got some interesting side effects. I've stopped taking it...the doctor's orders...but it will take about a week for it to get out of my system. Today I could really feel the heat and I am hoping that has to do with the meds still effecting me. If not, it's gonna be one long, uncomfortable summer! UGH! Feeling heat beat before one IS heat beat is not my idea of a good time...not at all! And I am thinking that the sun is sooooo NOT my friend. I think that every year around this time as the sun seems to get harder and harder to accustom myself to when the weather turns to summer conditions. For now, it is as if I can feel it just sap my strength. Well, this too shall pass.

Today was a good day...and a busy one to boot. Jahala's opening day softball game was cancelled. Well, you can't win them all. And I did make it to the Ice Breaker for a while. It's always nice to catch up with folks.

It was a beautiful day for doing whatever outside. WOW! The sun was shining. The temperature was conducive to folks hanging out...and they did. After the cook out Mel and I walked down by the river at Mashamoquet for a while and had a pleasant stroll. It was a perfect day. I feel very mellow and relaxed perhaps because we sat down and vegged in front of the TV for quite a while indulgence I don't frequently allow myself.

Now it is off to dreamland....

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


I was enjoying a nice hot shower this morning when I had to cut it short to sit on the side of the tub. That didn't work so I knelt n the floor. I figured it would be less distance to fall when I passed out. Fortunately, I did not pass out but I did get dressed kneeling on the floor. Jeepers!

I've called my PCP this AM and left a message. I tried calling New Haven...I think they have the fax hooked up to their main line. I get that gawdawful tone thing.

Beginning of March my iron was low. They said don't take an over the counter, we'll prescribe something. I called last week...well, they were waiting on the results of the D test...came back fine. I still have no iron to add to my mix. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

To make matters worse, I am flowing like the freaking Nile and feeling crampy and bloated as hell. I am cold and I am dizzy. Just shoot me!

I am going to call New Haven and ask them "WTF?" I think six weeks is too long to be a-waiting for an iron prescription. If my PCP calls back I will have to go for blood work. The thought of doing my stairs is extremely scary. I don't suppose anyone is gonna send a phlebotomist to me! LMAO

I am gonna lay down and cover up. I can't fall down that way. Odd that I am still dizzy in a horizontal position. Just for the record this is not fun. This is one of those times when living alone is a definite disadvantage.

Maybe I will feel better a bit later. I'd like to make the noon time meeting at the college...and if I have to go out for blood work anyway, why not?

Sunday, April 19, 2009


Smiling fully at me,
warming all that beats within
and for a single solitary moment,
I imbibe of eternity's endlessness.
With a joyous sound that beats,
a lovely rhythm of my spirit;
flowing through me,
becoming a part of me,
surrendering to a new lifeblood.
It is rich, red passion ethereal as the winds of never-ending time.
Swift as the current of forever racing about, without haste.
In flights of fanciful delights my mind and soul race away.
While the book of days finds our names side by side,
together on a page,
transfused life-force,
joining in a bond thicker than that essence of life.
She flows through me.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Buttercup grows wild and free wherever they wish to be.

Laid down as a carpet of yellow for all to see.

In a green field of blades of growing lawn pressed upon the earth.

And just to prove their mettle, just to indicate their worth,

No florist will gather them up in a bouquet to sell upon the street;

No hurried batch of scurrying passers-by will leave them in defeat.

Untamed, bending freely with the low rustling winds of days

They stand testament to life's humble, simple ways.

The greatest triumph is not the dollar placed upon their head,

Rather it is the yellow tarpaulin on quiet fields they've spread.

Their little bit of existence brings color to this drab and dreary world

With merely the buttercup's little hint of heaven elegantly unfurled.

Bowing not to kings and queens nor to beggars do they cater.

All are welcome to view their majesty now and then, or later.

It cost so much for our meager weary, mortal souls

Overlooking such beauty will surely take its toll.

I did not know humility till I saw them so lowly to the ground

With dirt and weed and insect so graciously they're found.

And I will scoop a bunch up to tickle the bottom of my chin,

Turning myself into a bit of a buttercup for that simple min.

For but a single moment in all of time we are one through and through.

I become the buttercup and it becomes me too.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


If you’re like me, then you’ve known someone…many “someone’s” …who’ve done battle with the malady known as cancer. I have no conscience recollection of not knowing about the existence of cancer.
My great aunt had breast cancer in the early sixties. I was born in 1961. I remember the whispered conversations about how much weight she had lost, how gaunt she looked at family gatherings. I remember the conjecture that she surely wouldn’t live till the next holiday. Aunt Teddy came from rugged stock proving them wrong…for a long time. I remember the scarves when she went through cobalt treatments. I remember visiting her bedside toward the end of her life. I remember her leaving us, little by little. Each time I saw her, she seemed to have slipped away from us just a bit more.
That was my first introduction to that deadly killer. It was not our last meeting. In 1989, my mother succumbed to cervical cancer after a courageous 5 year battle. I watched her cancer do its deadly work, one day at a time. I saw her go through testing and hospitalization and treatments and surgery that scared her so. There were strangers she came to depend upon when hospice came into her home. I saw my grandmother’s pain as she lost her only child. I watched my father lose the wife he had loved for a quarter of a century. My brother and I experienced that void in losing our mother.
There have been so many others…Sharon, Peggy, Kathy, Rheinhold, and Carol, to name a few who were gone too soon. And there are the survivors who battle this vicious unconscionable killer with constant vigilance…Ann, Jim, Danielle, Kent, Amanda and Sue. That’s over a dozen folks! Thirteen people I can think of quickly who I’ve known have been affected by this modern plague.
It adds up to more people than that when I do the math. For every person who has been afflicted, there is the fear that grips their loved ones. There is the ripple effect that spreads out as more and more individuals feel the impact of these random acts of cancer.
I see some friend or other and their families dealing with this killer on a daily basis. I get angry. The rage builds. I don’t want to let this awful disease have its day of rule over my loved ones. But, what can one person do? Well, last year was the first year that I Relayed. This year I chose to be a team captain. Kent and Sue have kids who want to Relay…kids of survivors, who deserve a chance to fight this disease in their own way. It is this fight that makes me feel less powerless. Relay gives me a say and what I say is this, “I will fight this disease with any weapon at my disposal, with every fiber of my being and I will dedicate myself to doing what I can to eradicate it by any means necessary."





I hate curtains. Really! I hate curtains. So what did I do this tonight? I hung curtains. Why? Other people's opinions.

So I have curtains up in my living room...UGH! I don't like them. What I own are white curtains and they really don't look good with the off-white walls. I think it sucks! I know it sucks!

But, on the bright side, folks ought to stop offering me curtains to spiff the place up. Maybe I could dye (die) these. Hmm...interesting idea.

What I'd really like are shades. I saw some in a lovely shade of teal blue but there is no way I can afford them in a month of Sundays. Who the hell sets the pricing on those things anyway? Jeepers!!!

I was in my closet getting curtain rods and I disturbed something....U G L Y ! ! ! ! I started coughing not realizing right away that I should be making all due haste to get to my inhaler. By the time I figured out I was having a reaction to something I was afraid that I wasn't gonna make it to my bag in the kitchen where the fool thing was. It's not a long distance, but I thought I was gonna drop half way there...and not get back up. I've never had anything 'take' my breath like that ... E V E R ... ever before. I've had some strong reactions to assorted perfumes, but never anything that intense and that FAST!!! Holy Moly, Mrs. Foley!!!!

I'm sure that the whole area has to be cleaned out but I don't think I should be doing it...unless, of course, I can find a respirator to do the work with. I don't want to have the bejeebers scared out of me like that ever again. Good grief!!!! All for flipping curtains I could most certainly live without. If that's God's way of telling me to stick to my guns on the curtain issue, well, all I've got to say is, "Thanks for the heads up, Big Guy!!!!"

It's time for bed. I'm gonna hit the hay, inhaler in tow 'cause my lungs still aint too happy though they have consented to supply oxygen for my poor, tired body. (HEAR THE BIG YAWN AT THE END OF THAT SENTENCE!)

Good night, one and all! Good night!!!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

How do I know when I am hypomanic/manic?

That question was posed in a newsletter type deal that I receive. It's a good question. Constant vigilance is a necessary component of life for me. It works for recovery. It works for bipolar. It just plain works.

Paying attention never hurts...though it can be uncomfortable at times. I don't always like what I see. And, I don't always see what I need to see. I listen to the perspectives of others today. Boy was that a long time a-coming! LOL

Anyway, here's my answer 'cause maybe it can help you...'cause maybe you can use it to help someone you know. Knowledge is powerful...

"I’m a shopaholic, so my shopping habits really offer no insight for me.

I notice certain things about how I talk with my hands and arms. I always do this, but when I start to get manic it will often feel like my arms are flailing as I speak. Frequently, I will hit a table or wall as I wave my arms when I am manic. I seem to be moving faster than my mind can interpret the physical world.

When I drive with mania upon me compliance to the speed limit is damn near impossible. Sixty-five miles an hour feels like I am going a mere thirty. For safety’s sake, I use the cruise control on the highway and whenever else I can.

I can’t NOT talk when I have a thought. It comes out…the good, the bad and the ugly. I am speech impulsive and my use of puns and jokes goes through the roof…and I have a good sense of humor all the time anyway.

I get seriously playful. Jumping in mud puddles, goofing off at serious times, lots of laughing and giggling, etc.

One of my signs is when I am on the computer a lot a lot I retype words…not typos, per se. I will repeat the same the same words in a sentence. I don’t do this when I am not in hypomania. (I made those mistakes intentionally to make my make my point...LOL)

I communicate more. Ann called me on this recently. I was writing more and more emails which were getting longer and longer. My first response was that I was under stress but I had noticed the flailing arm thing and I tendered the notion that I was a bit manic perhaps. She said that suspected as much.

I can talk myself out of seeing what I see quite easily. Mania feels sooo damn good. I want to believe I am doing fine. I need feedback from folks around me. I'd like to say that you shouldn't be afraid to mention this sort of thing to me, but sooner or later, it may not be so well received. I suggest 'a safe distance' when mentioning my little manic quirks. LMAO

I am getting better at noticing these things myself. Inflated self esteem doesn’t seem to catch me like other things do. It feels good to feel good and I get caught up in it without hesitation or reservation. I don’t notice that I feel too good until I am pretty far along.

People ask me the “coffee” questions. How much coffee have you had today? Have you considered decaf? I didn’t realize coffee made you so hyper?

Whether I get the outside input or whether I notice on my own (which I tend to discount) my first line of defense (right after I work on acceptance) is my med provider and my therapist. I talk to them about what I or others notice and follow instructions.

For me, dealing effectively with mania is about getting on board the saner train and letting someone else drive. I have to ask for help. Left to my own devices, I WILL crash and burn. I've done it time and time again. The DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) groups are helpful. More 12 step meetings work too. They give me a focus...a place to be...they ground me.

And, absolutely, when I am aware of my manic mode being in full swing, I check and double check on any big plans or ideas. I got no business going off on my own when I am in this mode.

It's not just the signs and symptoms of mania that I need to be aware of at any given time. I have to have a strategy for dealing with them in place and ready to go. A preemptive plan is how I cope best.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Time Flies!

Wow! I can't believe its been a week since my last entry. Who'da thunk it? Well, I have been very busy.

I house sat in Willi for a bit. It was nice to hang out with the Beagles and Ruthie. They like to sit on my lap when I watch TV. That makes things VERY cozy...but pleasant.

I even managed to make a couple of 7 AM meetings while I was out there. It amazes me how easy it is to forget how much I enjoy an early morning meeting. Getting up at 5 AM to get ready to go and then starting my day in the right way is always a delight. It's rather invigorating.

The kid is at Riverview AGAIN! She'll be there till her birthday anyway. She doesn't want to go back to CCP and she has put in for a new social worker. I'm not so sure that Abby did anything to provoke that...Miss Thing has been in rare form lately.

I made it up to Middletown to visit and 15 minutes into the visit she asks if I would be willing to cut the visit short so she can go watch some movie about gangs. I said no. I don't get a vehicle all that often, thus I can't visit all the time and...she is in a negative space, a gang movie isn't what I would prescribe for her attitude.

She sent some kid at the CCP to the hospital cause she was mad and she is sooo convinced that she has the right to do that very sort of thing when 'someone makes her angry.' I'd tell her that her temper is gonna get her into trouble someday, but she is already on probation as a result of her anger issues. It really is a little late to be predicting what has already come to pass.

I call her on that crap and she does not like that one iota. She says she wants to go on independent living after her birthday. I asked her if she thought the powers that be would allow that with her uncontrollable temper. She conceded that might be a stumbling block and then proceeded to ask me to leave cause she was tired. KIDS! KIDS WITH ATTITUDES!!! She is so good at being perfectly 16 1/2.

Well, it was 7:15 and I needed to get to the airport to pick up Mary Lou, so I said my good byes and headed off to Bradley. It was a rainy night, sometimes raining quite hard with heavy traffic I made it to the airport and parked in Terminal B parking instead of Terminal A parking. Had a lovely walk through the airport and was delightfully surprised to find an art exhibit by the hotel. It was a pleasant jaunt with some thought provoking art along the way.

It was good to get home, check my emails, sleep in my own bed and wake up in my own place. Dorothy was right. There really is no place like home! LMAO I made it to the 'never on timer' in Woodstock. Good meeting. I started my day on a very positive note.

I cleaned out my closet last night and passed along some things that were too big for me. Today I proceeded to do a bit of shopping. I made out really well at the ARC Emporium and at St. Joe's Thrift Shop. 'Twas a successful venture indeed!!!

To celebrate being home I rearranged the living room AND the bedroom...both in the same day! Can you imagine? Well, all the folks who know me well, know it's just what I do. I still want to move the TV but it is such an involved thing that I think I shall wait until another humdrum day to undertake those maneuvers. But folks, I got ideas...I'm just saying! If I had a wireless router...I could do even more furniture moving. Well, it's on my list...some one of these days...LOL

Now I am going to finish up my 'putering' and hit the hay. Jess and the baby will be over at some point tomorrow. I need to be well rested. The little one has sooooo much energy! What a hot ticket! The closest I can come to that is "hot flash." LMSAO