Wednesday, June 24, 2009

...this just in...

Mel and I were talking. She says I have been "out of sorts" since the DKH ER visit.

Interesting. Odd.

I keep 'remembering' something. I'm not sure what it is I am remembering. It's a flash really. Nothing more. I remember the curtains..white or light colored...on those tracts like in the ER...there's a gurny or bed and maybe a table on the side like the old medical stands.

It's just a flash...a tidbit of a memory. I've had this memory before. I don't know where it comes from or what it is about. It seems like a hospital setting...all the beds...the curtains. I'm wearing something white...a johnny gown I think.

It comes with the rage. Does the rage bring it or does it bring the rage?

There's no doctor or nurse in the memory. Just me remembering that I was there for a split second and then poof, it's gone again!

I feel vulnerable in the memory. Scared. Maybe confused or maybe I am confused because I don't have any more of the memory than that and then the fool thing skedaddles. I'm there for an instant then I'm back.

It will go away. It always does. This memory will flash like a neon sign upon my consciousness then be gone as if it was never there.

The feelings will subside. I won't feel like I want to keep my back against the wall. I won't feel the vulnerability. I won't feel the fear. I won't feel the rage...the absolute deep, dark vile rage that surges to consciousness' shore when whatever it is that pries that memory to the surface dissipates allowing it to recede into the shadows once again.

Weird. Weird that this comes and takes me someplace...a place I have been before emotionally...with all the gut wrenching sense of immediacy as if I am there, living it, feeling it, dealing with it.

I wish I knew what hospital, what doctor's office...whatever. I want to know where I am going back to with this memory from hell. I want to find the demons that own this part of me so I can exorcise them.

I want to be on an island

away from every living breathing person on the planet

it hurts

people at meetings like to do the hugging thing

it hurts

people offered me rides home but I walked

I don't want to be near people

it hurts

I want to hit and punch and maime...not sure who or what matters

I just want to feel strong and powerful and safe by my own devices

the little girl wants to run and hide until she is strong enough to hurt everyone/anyone first

the soul cries by cringing, pulling back, hiding away

pain is the touchstone of progress...f*ck progress


If a man is screwing a woman and she says, "take it out" and he continues to do what he is doing...that is sexual asault.

If a trained medical professional is doing a pelvic exam on a woman and she says, "take it out" and the professional continues to do what they are doing that is standard medical practice.

Sorry f*cking world we live in!

Is it me?

Got an appointment with my therapist tomorrow first thing. I am so bummed today.

One of the medical assistants in New Haven said I should come to St. Raphael's ER yesterday, so I did. The rationale was that they had my records and I could see an intern from the surgical office. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

I saw some doctor and APRN in training who did not listen to me telling them to call the surgeon's office. They did not want to see the CT scan I had on me (from DKH) or compare it to past scans. They told me they were going to do a pelvic exam...silly me, I thought they were going to do a pelvic exam. What I got (two days before I see my own APRN for my annual gyn exam) was the opportunity for some student to test out her expertise under the direction of a doctor in a an ER with a nurse looking on. The exam was to see if my cervix was fryable (sp) that's all. I would not have agreed to that for a matter of two days. He told her to swab because there was a discharge but apparently that was only the flipping frying thing cause they don't 'do pelvic exams' in the ER. Well, that's what the idiot said after the fact.

Of course, when they put the speculum in and it hurt I told them to take it out but they proceeded. I remember why I hate doctors again. I really don't want to go for my exam tomorrow. I actually don't want to do go to another doctor's office until 911 takes my unconcious ass there against my conscience will.

I told one of them...either the doc or the trainee, that I thought morphine was overkill that Ultram was effective for the pain. Some time after 5 PM...I had been in pain since I woke up around 6-7 AM...the nurse arrived with a shot of morphine.

I had asked about the intern from my doctor's office in the ER when I got there. They waited till ALL the tests had come back to call the office...after 5 PM when MY records were not available and they talked to the doctor on call...who knew nothing about my case.

Repeat after me...WASTE OF F*CKING TIME! If I knew how to blow things up...they would be on my hit list. I so get why people 'lose' it. And, just for the record, I know it takes less for me to lose it than the average bear.

I don't know where to turn. Maybe, like my soon to be ex-PCP says, I will never feel that intense, burning pain in my groin ever again. It may never come back so what the hell am I so worried about? I won't be calling these idiots any more. If I can't take the pain I can always pick up so me ibuprofen and take care of the pain. Cause, it is that kind of pain and I'd rather risk blowing out my stomach than going to some medical asshole that I will have to bitch slap and leave in cuffs.

I think anyone who wants to be a doctor ought to have to be mistreated and discounted and pissed off by another medical professional before they can get their license. Actually, now that I think of it...ALL DOCTOR'S PROBABLY SPEND AN ETERNITY IN HELL GETTING JUST THAT TREATMENT. That'd be fitting justice if you ask me. And I know, you didn't ask me.

But hey, maybe it's just me. I know the difference between yesterday and today is that I AM hostile and belligerent. Doctor's make no sense for me at this point cause the first thing I want to do is tell the asshole to f*ck off and die...not discuss my symptoms.

Monday, June 22, 2009

New Haven

I talked to one of the medical assistants to my surgeon. There is nothing in the report about the doctor having removed my appendix during surgery. Hmm.

So, did they take it and not make note of it? Or did the DKH radiologist f*ck up? I'm betting it was the local yocal. It's to the point, no screw up out of DKH is really a surprise to me. I could do without living in limbo though.

I'm waiting to hear from my surgeon...or any surgeon from the office. My doctor is at a conference this week. Yeehaw!

I have pain still...intermittently. Sometimes the yuck in my stomach is a sensation of nausea. Delightful, huh?

So, where is my appendix? Hidden I would suspect. Why is there a clip in my appendix area? I'd guess cause it slipped off my gall bladder site (taht has been removed) and dropped down there. It happens..according to my google search anyway.

So, I wait...and wait...and wait...oh, and hurt lot here and there too.

To hedge my bet, I've scheduled a gyn exam for Thursday with someone I trust...and who listens. My primary has ears, but I don't think she has a flipping clue as to what to do with them.

Acetaminophen sucks!!! I wish I could scarf down a few ibuprofen just for the fun of it. Can't. Tempting, but I cannot. I don't know how to control the pain. Going to the ER every day for pain management doesn't sound tempting...or reasonable either. Just suffer I guess.

But, I gotta tell you, when the pain hits like it is right now, I want to b*tch slap my PCP. She went on and on Friday about how I might never be in any discomfort again and it makes no sense to be prepared. I'm really not liking the b*tch right now. Didn't like her much this weekend when I went to UMASS for relief from the pain. They gave me Ultram..wanted to give me morphine but I was like, "Whoa! Slow that bus down!!!"

I'm gonna try to sleep. I feel wiped putting up with the pain and at least while I am asleep (it's interrupted sleep for sure, but still sleep) I don't have any conscience sensation of pain. Sad way to deal with pain management but it's all I have.

No resources left. No energy to expend. F8ck it! I give up. I don't know what else to do.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Doctor's are idiots!

First, let me say that I do NOT NOT NOT like being dismissed, condescended to and not listened to. This is not just my opinion of the dear doctor. Melanie came in with me and confirmed that my doctor was not interested in listening to me, was not trying to listen to me, was not very interested in listening to me.

I may be a bit irate at this point.

How do you define not listening? Well, if I say the pain is intermittent and not constant why would you assume that it is an ongoing event? I wasn't in PAIN today, though I do feel something it is not a painful sensation. It has come and gone (that does define intermittent, does it not?) The intensity varies with the event. Are these difficult concepts?

I asked about Ultram as it is touted as a non-narcotic pain reliever. I got a lecture about how I do not need a narcotic pain reliever. MISCOMMUNICATION...s'all I'm saying.

I was told that my body is adjusting to the weight loss and I may never have any pain again.

That makes it all better for having spent something like 5 hours in agony with ice packs and acetaminophen offering no relief just yesterday morning.

Of course, the fact that the CT scan shows a clamp in my lower pelvic/abdomen area...which prompted my doctor to ask about when I had my appendix removed (I still have it!!!)...well, that should be no indication of where the flipping pain might be coming from!!!

The clamp probably fell from the site where my gall bladder used to be...that's been removed. This is apparently not an uncommon occurrence. I really don't give a rat's patooey bout the clamp save for the fact that is has COINCIDENTALLY landed where the recurring pain seems to happen. Does anyone besides me read anything into this fact?

I will be getting a copy of the CT scan tomorrow when I go to the morning meeting and on Monday I shall call New Haven. They referred me to my primary cause the kidney (the left one, oddly enough) has a cyst on it. Kidney cysts are not uncommon and since this one is on the left side and not the right where my pain comes from it is quite unremarkable. I'm kewl with dat!

Years ago, in early recovery, I was told there is no such thing as coincidence. Now, the meaning in that was entirely was a spiritual axiom at that time. Today, when I do the math, it adds up to something else.

Excruciating, intermittent, recurring pain in groin...frequently relieved by bowel movement...clamp makes doctor think I've had my appendix removed yet I still have the little bugger...

She says I have pulled a muscle. I need to exercise more, walk more, etc. Oddly enough, New Haven is delighted with the amount of exercise I have been getting. Oddly enough, I have pulled muscles before and this burning, stabbing pain that goes away in half a day is not how pulled muscles have played out in my past. Oddly enough, I have never had a bowel movement that relieved any of my pulled muscle pain.

Damn! Not only has my mouth been rerouted to my ass but other parts of me have been connected in some very odd ways as well.

When I left her office I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to give her a good piece of my mind.

I will call New Haven on Monday. It was too late to get through today. Their office was closed by the time I called.

Still, I am hoping she is right and I will never again feel this pain. Pain does not do much for my disposition and I suspect if I do not go to an ER while I am in the pain it will just be a case of being dismissed again. I already feel the attitude welling up inside me though. Doctor's hate attitudes but I am in my "I hate doctors" mode right now. When I hurt so bad that I cannot stand upright, I have no doubt there is some problem...maybe not a serious life threatening problem...but that level of pain is a problem.

But hey, my blood work is fine. That's all that matters. Of course, my bloodwork was so fine that I had no gall bladder problem...till someone did an ultrasound and discovered a problem. OOPS! I think I hate my blood work too.

Am I miserable? YUP! Am I pissed? Oh yeah!!! Does anyone with a medical degree want to see me if the worst case pain scenario plays out again? HELL NO!!!


Saturday, June 13, 2009

This just in...

CLOTS!!! S'all I'm saying.....


Okay, that's really it. I'm not saying no more....

OHMIGAWD!!!! Huge. Absolutely huge.

Why would I share that? Well, if I have to live through it get details. Understand? Well, you don't have to understand. That's just the way it is.

Monday. I just have to wait till Monday for the damn CT scan. Hmmm...I think I hate waiting too!

Well, did you expect me to be joyous bout dis? Nah. Not even close. This is a bother, a real bother. And yes, I will get through it all. But, it's my party and I can bitch if I want to, bitch if I want to....



I absolutely cannot believe what a BM will do for me...

I feel so much better. OHMIGAWD!!! Who'da thunk it?

So glad my CT scan is on Monday. I relly want to know what this is all about. REALLY!!!!

Called Kent for a ride to the meeting. I may even be up to donig some house work for them afterwards. They have company coming...Jenn's mom...and Jenn just had carpel tunnel surgeries. Right now I would be good to go. I shall see after the at eleven. LOL


Had a lovely day yesterday. I made the morning meeting at the college. Then Mel and I went up to Worcester dallying about a while...hit a couple of thrift stores, TJ Maxx at the Greendale Mall and then off to Dunkin Donuts for a very big decaf Hazelnut coffee. We started to watch an old video that I had but I pooped out. I was tired and sooo crampy that I went to bed 'bout half way through the thing. 'Twas a well- rounded day all in all.

Now the night was another story. I was up and running to the bathroom every two of this morning I am now on hourly patrol. (I'd LOL but this aint so funny from where I sit). I have cramps...front and back. Both my hips hurt with that burning, stabbing pain and there is the weirdest sensation shooting down both legs...oh yeah, and standing totally upright just aint happening. Then there is the fact that I am flowing like flood waters rushing in New Orleans! Thank God I am on iron! Thank God!!!

I hate my ovaries this morning. I hate ALL men because you do not have ovaries. I hate women who have had hysterectomies. I hate those women who say things like, "embrace your feminine self." I hate all those women who love their menstrual cycle. I hate everyone and everything. occurs to me I just might be in a miserable mood this morning.

I want the pain to stop and acetaminophen aint cutting it. Unfortunately, that's the strongest stuff that I can take. I want to put heat AND ice on the same spots at the same time. I only own three heating pads...that aint enough. It's so hard to apply either heat or ice to some areas when one is in the fetal position. What the hell is that about...some eternal joke? On the bright side...I can get into a full fetal position. I didn't used to be able to pull that one off. See, it's not all bad.

Of course, the weight of the heating pad or the ice...or maybe it is the sensation of feeling something on the ever-sensitive so intensely unpleasant. I hate my ovaries. Have I mentioned that before? Well, let me reiterate, I really, really, really hate my ovaries this morning.

I know. I know. Some women go through this every month. What the hell is that about? If some men went through this every month...hell if one man went through this every month...there would already be a "CURE." LMAO (with tears in my eyes)

I have a plan that involves an accomplice, a weapon and surgical removal of the offending parts. The accomplice would be necessary as I could not assure the job would be done while I was under anaesthesia and I do so want the job done. S'all I'm saying is TAKE MY OVARIES....PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!

I am feeling so miserable that there will be no DKH meeting today. Which means I will have to get up to Putnam later to get the stuff for the CT scan later...or I will send someone. yes, that's a good plan. I can't take this pain. I am not going to be worth much of anything until this all goes away. Please let it be gone soon. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!

Oh, have I mentioned that I really, really, really, with all the sincerity at my disposal, hate my freaking ovaries? Well, you can bet good money on that fact friend!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

What a day! What a week! What a life!

I really am having a rather good day. Got up early so we could head out to New Haven. I LOVE Dr. Nadzam. What a great guy! I spoke with him about my symptoms, my ER visit on Sunday...the whole nine yards.

Instead of only poking in the exact location of the pain, like the DKH ER doc, he poked around a bit. There is definitely some tenderness in the lower right quadrant. He ordered a CT Scan of my pelvis and abdomen. He is thinking maybe chronic (subacute) appendicitis or an ovarian cyst might be going on. It would be nice to find out the cause. (And, I am trying to discount the gas I've had lately...because that has coincided with the iron supplement I have been taking.) Still, it would be nice to not be in screaming pain like that EVER again. Oye vay! Did that hurt or what on Sunday!!!

He also did not rule out the musclo-skeletal possibilities. Hey, my spine got twisted in a car accident back in 1983 and I have lost a lot of weight (87% of my excess body weight to be exact!) in the past 8+ months. That could shock the ole skeletal system a wee bit. At least I have a starting point. Gotta start somewhere. This seems like a good beginning.

The pain is nowhere near as bad as it was Sunday morning. Mostly I don't even notice it....more of an uncomfortable feeling than anything else. I am soooo grateful for that. It's all subject to change which is okay by me. Maybe it will get even better! I am premenstrual and that tends to mess with my lower back and abdomen anyway. THAT is definitely one of those things to which I can calmly say, "This too shall pass...and then come again." LMAO

I am up and about and doing all the usual things. TA DAH! Well, hey, if it don't hurt, I aint gonna baby it. Hell, if it don't hurt a whole lot, I aint gonna baby it.

I am going to prepare supper so it is ready to hit the stove when I get back from the Wednesday night meeting...which I fully intend to walk to, BTW. See, I am feeling pretty darn good. If my allergies would just back off a notch so I wasn't so tired I'd be ecstatic. That grainy, heavy feeling in my eyes is getting pretty old. Which reminds me, I have to put my drops in...they help with that quite a bit. Behold the power of modern pharmaceuticals! LOL

Well, I am gonna go fishing in my refigerator to see what I can see. I contemplated fish tonight but we had salmon last night. I have to remember that perhaps not all the rest of the world is as enamored with fish as I have become lately. LOL Maybe a variation of stove top shepherd's pie? Yes, indeed! That sounds very good. I think I can pull that one off with a little effort on my part. Mel is not doing too well with beef yet, but the ground turkey I have might just do the trick. Film at eleven! LMAO