Holy Hot Air Balloon Batman!!!

OHMIGAWD!!!

I keep burping...and burping...and burping. I'm not sure where it is coming from anymore. My toes maybe? I'm 100% certain that I don't have this much room in my stomach anymore. So, where the hell is it coming from?

I've been 'off' for days...crampy and bloated and gassy, but hey, I know Mother Nature can be a real b*tch sometimes. This has been one of those times. I mean, the hormonal headache is no picnic, but it happens every so often.

Maybe having caught a cold going into this months trials and tribulations has exacerbated things. Who knows? This low-grade headache has been hanging on for days now. I would be most delighted to have it go on its merry...or not so merry...way.

Perhaps I have the beginning of a sinus infection...but I have absolutely NEVER associated burping with a sinus issue. That's a new one on me! I'll try snorting some more water again...and again...and again. I might as well do something. Horizontal is not working for me, tired though I am. My stomach is pretty messed up and unhappy and telling me all about it...from both ends right now.

I'd almost like to toss my cookies, 'cept I don't think I have any ammunition to accomplish that feat. That's a hell of a note, aint it? Of course there's that gnarly post-nasal drip...EWWWWW!

Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Getting ready to take on the day!

I've taken my morning meds, eaten breakfast, read my emails and caught up on a bit of the news. Now it is time to take on the day.

I am feeling sooo lazy. I haven't even hit the shower yet and it is damn near 10 AM. LOL

S'alright though. I am going to 'clean up my act' and get dressed. I am scheduled to be in Waterford for 1 PM. I'm looking forward to the ride. I do so enjoy traveling by car. The last two days have been walking days...to QV anc back on Tuesday and to United Services and back yesterday along with a walk to Broad Street both evenings.

It feels so good to be walking so much again. I notice I am walking faster and getting places quicker. Folks still stop to ask me if I'd like a ride. Bless them! I have a lot of friends who don't "GET" that I do this walking thing not just because I have to but rather because I really do enjoy it. I find it empowering. I remember when I first got sober, someone would always be asking me if I was willing to go to any lengths. Truth be told, I woulda done whatever just because I couldn't stand the pain anymore. I think about those things when I walk to meetings...how far I've come...how putting one foot in front of the other has made all the difference in the world to me...the steps necessary for change. It's a meditation time that I really find quite pleasant. Walking just feels so right!

Well, I am going to print up some flyers for the Corned Beef & Cabbage Dinner on the 7th and some of the Linda B-day flyers...which I can talk about here since Linda doesn't do the internet so I can't ruin the surprise part of the party in this forum! LMAO So much to do! It's good to be busy!!!

A GRATEFUL HEART!!!

It took a lot to get me here. I messed up! I screwed up! I f*cked up! I spent a lot of time ripping and running. I ripped through life trying to run away from me, running from my emotions, running from my life, running from my responsibilities. It took a lot of running before I was ready to land squarely in sobriety, my feet planted in reality willing to deal with life on life's terms.

I made a lot of mistakes. I'm grateful for each and every one. They helped me to find the gift of desperation. They helped to break me. They helped me to reach out to my higher power and to a bunch of drunks for what I needed. I had to be broken for the real work to have a chance to begin.

I wouldn't change a thing about my past, sordid as some parts of it are notwithstanding. I had to go through what I went through. I had to find my own bottom. I like where I am at today. I like who I am today. I know I am right where I am supposed to be even as I acknowledge that this is not where I am supposed to stay. Life...recovery (I know longer draw a distinction between the two) is a journey not a destination. If I am not moving forward, then I am certainly headed in the wrong direction.

I am grateful for what I have been given. I am grateful for what has been taken away. I am grateful for what is left. I have learned that it is far better to embrace what I have than to pine for what I do not have. Life is good. My life is good.

It would be so easy to take total and complete credit for where I am at today but I know that isn't how I got here. I couldn't do this alone. God knows I tried time and again. I had to ask for help. I had to learn to accept the help that was offered. I had to be desperate enough to begin the process and willing enough each step of the way to do the next right thing. The tools to do that and the direction to take did not come from me. Those things came from those who shared their experience, strength and hope. I followed a well worn path tread by those who came before me. To those souls I shall be forever grateful.

Thank you for 6 years...one day at a time!

OHMIGAWD!!!

I'm sitting here innocently enough when this lightening bolt of pain rips through my head. JEEPERS! As if the cramps weren't bad enough!!! Those lightening bolts of pain are usually a harbingers of an impending hormonal migraine. UGH! Estrogen is NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT my friend!

I know I shouldn't complain. I have enough fingers to count the number of times I have had to endure cramps in my whole damn lifetime. Still...

I swear, if I went through this on a regular basis, as some women have to, I would have had them pull my ovaries out a long time ago. It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....


MOTHER NATURE CAN BE A REAL BITCH!!!

I feel like there is a donkey kicking me in the gut and a Clydesdale is kicking me in the back...and someone just dropped a damn horse shoe into my head and it is pinging around like the silver ball in the pinball machine causing pain every time it hits a damn bumper. ESTROGEN SUCKS!!! Menopause, take me away!!!!!

I'm going to go rest and have a talk with my dear ovaries. Maybe I will share some omelet recipes with them. That'd serve'em right!!! It's time for psychological warfare!!!!

I'm a muddle aged woman...my eggs aint all they are cracked up to be anymore!

I used to think my brain was scrambled...not I suspect my brain and my ovaries are both scrambled.

So, I'm reading a friend's blog....

...about grow lights in the basement and laughing myself silly. I had grow lights in my basement once. I can talk about that now cause the statue of limitations has run out. Of course, there was no real crime in my actions. That was when I discovered that I really do not have a green thumb. I gave it my best shot mind you, but alas, cultivation was never a crime that I excelled at. And, I am sure even the best of jurists would be unable to convict me for subjecting large quantities of dirt to full spectrum lighting. Okay, it wasn't THAT bad...there were some sticks with an occasional leaf that sprouted...AND THEN SUMMARILY DIED A PROMPT YET UGLY DEATH!!!

The idea that someone would put grow lights in their basement to start legitimate seeds for a legal garden is absolutely astonishing to me! I just didn't know what I didn't know. I wonder what horticultural whiz first came up with that rather novel concept? What else can I say? I am just floored! Absolutely floored!!!! That folks can get things to grow indoors is befuddling to my poor agriculturally challenged mind. It is apparent to me that some of the folks I know are downright amazing!!!!

It's been a whirlwind day for me. I got up late so I barely had time to get ready for my ride to church. I was trying to take care of some rather mundane projects...fix the shade for my bedroom window (accomplished, I think)...switch the door on the fridge so that it opens into the kitchen instead of toward the living room (there were some complications there)...use speaker wire to set up an impromptu antenna for my boombox (seems to be working)...

WHEN KENT CALLS ABOUT THE END OF THE MONTH BUSINESS MEETING AT THE CLUB. I had spaced that out. I headed over for that so I could take notes and get the newsletter ready for this month then I hung out for a bit and grabbed a ride to the meeting at St. Alban's. I've been home since just before 9 PM and I am still going.

I put together a flyer for the new Friday night Big Book meeting in Danielson at the East Side Social Club so the information can get out at the District meeting tomorrow night. I also managed to call Carrie for a few. We chatted fora bit and I mentioned the Sound Community Services program I saw online. She didn't seem overly impressed, but hey, that's not on me. I just passed along what I had found out.

Tomorrow morning I will be going with Papa Smurf to Norwich. He does his radiation at Backus and then we will be off to the soup kitchen meeting down there. I'm looking forward to the meeting and it will be nice to visit with him. It will be a pleasant change of pace for both of us.

Well, it's time for this gal to be hitting the hay. I could write on and on. I just had to post the grow light thing. I am absolutely amazed. Never! Never have I consciously heard of anyone growing legal things with grow lights in their basements. Damn! I have to get out more! REALLY!!!!! Maybe meet some more people...of the earth people variety. That's just incredible...........

Change Is Good, Right?

Well, I was gonna do a lot of things today. Among them going to visit my great aunt at the nursing home. Of course, with this ICK, there is no way I can do that. I don't want to get her or anyone else sick.

I am going to lay down for a few (hours probably) so I will be rested for my trip to Waterford tonight. If I feel up to it I may even do the 8 PM meeting at St. James in New London. It appears to be right up the road from the house that Carrie is in. A different meeting would be a nice change of pace.

Oh well! Gotta go! There is a bed upstairs calling my name....

HEALTHY...NO MORE!!!

Apparently, I am not as healthy I would have liked to believe. I have the ICK...that's a technical term.

Sinus pressure...so I snorted some tepid tap water. Maybe it will help, usually does when my sinuses act up.

Runny nose...with a bit of red irritation underneath for good measure and a bit of colorfulness here and there (mostly in the tissues).

Achy...Oh My Achy, Breaky Body!

And I swear that I have never been this cold in my flipping life. REALLY! I got into a VERRRRRY hot bath...it was uncomfortable to get into it was so hot...and freaking shivered and shivered.

I am going to bed...to sleep...to cover up with as many blankets as I can find...and I will probably sleep with my soft and fuzzy robe on over my jamas...cause I just wanna.

I am supposed to bring Max to his appointment in Willi in the morning. I don't have to be there till 9:30 AM. Here's hoping I feel somewhat human by then. Screw human...I'll settle for not so frackin cold!!!!

Oh yeah, and tomorrow evening I am scheduled to go down to Waterford to do a family thing with Carrie at Stonington. I am so gonna nap in a nice warm bed tomorrow after I get back from Willi!!! I don't usually do that sort of thing, but desperate times call for desperate measures. It's time to take care of Sue...and then I shall see where the day takes me.

I just love cold and flu season. On the bright side, I only have to endure till the nasty bug goes on its merry way. I'm just gonna take it one ache at a time!

Here's a helpful tip for you....DO NOT CATCH THIS!!!!

Ahhhh! Sooo much better!!!

What a wonderful day it is! I feel like myself again. Even yesterday was a slow day, a down day. Today the tiredness and the headache seem to have gone away...and may they stay away.

So, I am guessing, as per usual, those two vials of blood I gave at the doctor's office yesterday will show nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe it was something viral. That's what the doctor thought. I think it is kinda funny that viral would reappear over the course of a couple two-three decades in the same manner, but what the hell do I know.

I am just grateful to not be tired and to have energy and that THE FOG HAS LIFTED. That's a wonderful thang!

I am going to finish packing the necessities for my house sitting gig. Me and Max are gonna hang out this week. That is so kewl. I just love that dawg. He is so mellow. I'm glad I have an opportunity to "rent" other folks' pets when they go away. I do so enjoy that!!! We will walk and hang out and watch TV and keep each other company. NICE! VERY NICE!!!

Hopefully I will check in while I am away. I have use of the computer for all my 'puting' needs at Jim and Maureen's which is very kewl. I'd go through withdrawal without internet access for a week. Damn! I am so spoiled! LOL

Happy Valentine's Day All You Sweetheart's Out There!!!!

Wipe Out!!!

I'm not sure what is going on, but I feel terrible today. It started last night when I felt so exhausted all I could do was go to bed at 10 PM. I figured since I've been running and stressing to get things done with less sleep than I should have that it was just all of life on life's terms catching up with me.

I woke up this morning just before 8 AM, still tired, with a headache and I swear to god that I can feel the inflammation in my body. My lips are swollen, my face feels very puffy, my sinuses seemed to be inflamed to an extent and my ankles and my hands seem to have retained some fluid as well. My joints ache and in the shower this morning I noticed that just touching my shins was EXTREMELY painful. That shin thing has been ongoing. I don't know what it is all about. I feel like I could just lay down but I am not especially tired....more lethargic and weak than anything else. I have things to get done but I absolutely do not want to move. My head feels like it is in a fog. UGH!

I have probably caught some nasty bug (aren't they all nasty, though?) that is going around. Well, I don't get sick all that often so I am just might be due for the ick.

I will take it real easy this afternoon. I want to make it to the elections for the Northeast CT New Year's Alkathon committee tonight. I'd consider a nap, but the way I NAP, I'd probably sleep right through 7 PM. I could never do those 20 minute power naps. If I close my eyes, my body goes right to sleep mode. Always has been that way. More power to you folks who can do the power nap thang. That aint me!!!

Well, I am gonna go watch some TV so I can conserve my energy. Imagine me watching TV in the afternoon! That's so NOT my style. LMAO

ODDLY UNENLIGHTENING!

My last meeting of the day has been very enlightening indeed. Something is churning around inside me. I have some anger issues...LMAO!!!!

I was sharing about my higher power...the god thang...religion and the religionists. I heard myself speaking. Sometimes it is like that at meetings. I get that surreal "outside of myself" perspective. I got that tonight while I was talking. Odd how that happened.

There are thing(s) just below the surface that come up from time to time. I can feel it bubbling up much the same way water reaches a rolling boil. I feel this anger...no, rage...building momentum deep inside of me. I had some experiences back when I was in Kansas...when everybody was like that idiotic moron Fred Phelps' dude...when that was the norm back there..but it feels even deeper than that. It's primal, gut-wrenching, all-consuming when I least expect it.

I want to put my back against the wall and face off with the world. I feel so very defensive. I feel unsafe, unsure, unsettled. I'm not mad at god this time but I am mad at all those folks who "work for him....who speak for him...who act for him."

I want to retreat to a secure place emotionally. I want to run and hide...from me? Hmm. From something or someone, I am not sure who or what? I want to scream. I want to hide. I want to attack. I feel vulnerable in a "my world is crashing" kinda of way yet, I know it isn't. Maybe it is a memory of a feeling...a blast from the past? I just don't know. What I do know is that I have to acknowledge it. There's been a lot of stress in my life lately. Maybe it's just about that. Maybe a good night's sleep is the answer. I wish I knew what the question was! I wish I knew what the big picture looked like. It's a swiss cheese kinda thing. I'm not sure I can explain it better than that.

I'll look at it again in the morning, with fresh, well-rested eyes. Maybe then I will see what I am missing tonight. Maybe a nice night's sleep will reduce the heat and eliminate that rolling boil that I am feeling. I'm feeling it again...AGAIN! That again part of it is the oddest of all. Life can be funny like that. This is my "deja sue" world, welcome to it!!!

It's been a loooooong day...and it aint over yet!

I've been up since 4:30 AM.I had plans to go to the 7 AM meeting in Willi on the way to drop Carrie off at Stonington Institute. Yes! It was the scenic route. I felt a morning meeting would put me in a good frame of mind for my day's journey. I am pleased to report that I was 100% correct.

I am so tired. It didn't help that I woke up every 45 minutes to an hour last night. I knew I had to be up by 5 AM to be on schedule. I always psych myself out when I have to get up early to be somewhere.

I managed to make it back into town for the noontime meeting at the college. I brought a friend there for the first time. She liked the meeting. She's looking for a local sponsor. The only way to find one of them is to do meetings, meetings and more meetings. Oy vay!

I had to wait for the plumber who showed up at 2 PM...just like he said he would. Of course, being concerned about the running water and waiting for him caused me to totally space out my appointment with my psychiatrist and my therapist today. I got to see my therapist...hurried down there after I got a phone call from United Services. Some days I feel so blonde. Sleep deprivation is not my friend. REALLY!!!!

Rachel has been on my mind lately. We buried her at this time of year. Perhaps that's why she is on my mind. I remember her funeral. I remember watching her 16 month old son playing in the funeral home while mom was the "guest of honor." I don't think I've ever seen anything so obscene as that juxtaposition of "the absolute promise of the hope of childhood" and the utter hopelessness of this disease called addiction. I think of Carrie's daughters' and I cringe.

And tonight I will be going to yet another meeting. It's been that kind of day for me. The Carrie thing is weighing heavy on my mind. I can only do what I can do. I know that. But, this disease is so cunning, baffling and powerful. It's very scary. I've been to too many funerals, seen too many die too young. Whatever will be, will be. It's just that some days the writing on the wall seems more legible than on other days. Prayers, good wishes and positive thoughts would all be appreciated.

Boundaries....ugh!

I really have had a productive day. I got to church, to a meeting and to the laundromat.

I let Carrie use my phone to make some phone calls...to rehabs. She'll follow up tomorrow. I told her she could come back to use the phone. As much as I would like to give her a place to stay until she can find an inpatient situation for herself, I know that is not the right thing for either of us.

I was in Jewett City with Carrie when Miss Sunshine called for Carrie...on my pay as you go cell phone. It was all to get a number for a drug dealer...for Vicodin's. I just fired off a flipping email. I am sure that I will be in the dog house for my honesty...and utter lack of diplomacy. I am not going to play the "I don't know what's going on" game. I do know the score and I don't want to enable anyone's addiction. It's not my job to cosign anyone else's bullshit. Friends call friends on shit and that's what I did. It was much nicer via email than it would have been live and in person. I certainly can't make anyone else make good choices, but I also don't have to assist them in making poor choices.

Carrie tried to cover when I confronted her. I was sure it wasn't about the crack dealer but I was also sure it was about pills. I looked her in the eye and said "Bullshit, I am not stupid. I know it's about the narcotics" and she stammered and then shut up. I had hit the nail on the head. I am an addict for pete's sake. I know the drill. I know the suspicious behavior, the low tone of voice on the phone thing, the glancing up at me that says I hope she doesn't catch on to what this is about.

This disease is indeed cunning, baffling and powerful. I aint playing it. I aint playing it for me and I aint playing it for anyone else either. The disease of addiction will take me out any way it can. I don't intend to go out like that. YUP! I'm mad. I am mad at this disease. I'm pissed that it can reach in and grabbed people I care about by the throat and they will go willingly, as if hell is a pleasant destination.

I am grateful that I see the insanity, that I recognize it, that I can set boundaries to defend against it. I am grateful to be clean and sober today, to enjoy the life that I am living today. God bless the addicts that don't have that. God bless them!!!

Home Sweet Home

Today was a good day! I put up curtains in the bedroom and the kitchen. The curtain over the sink is too short. Details! Details! Details1 Well, I guess I will have to work on that sooner or later.

My bigger project is getting curtains up in the living room. My desk is in front of the window by the porch and between the lack of privacy and the afternoon sun, something must be done! I am so not a domestic goddess! I will adapt, but it may take me some time. I will do my domestic thang on the remedial program. LOL

Tomorrow I will hit Price Chopper in Putnam and do some shopping. It's my favorite grocery store. Interestingly enough, grocery shopping will be rather quick. My food requirements have gone waaaaay down since the surgery.

I managed to pick up some Kashi Go Lean (seriously high protein) cereal at Target today...and at a very good price. Served as a quick cereal the stuff simply sucks. I add a heaping teaspoon of milled flax seed, a small handful of trail mix (raisin & nuts), Splenda (or Stevia) and hot milk...and serve as a hot cereal. YUMMY! I highly recommend it! If you've tried it without the doctoring and didn't like it, try something a bit creative and you may find it more palatable. This is my idea of 'COOKING' breakfast.

Tomorrow is gonna be a busy day for me. I have lots of running around to do and I may fit in a meeting or two as well. For right now, I am just plain old fashioned tired so I think I shall hit the hay so I can start again tomorrow.

Mission Accomplished!!!

Yuppers! I did it! I am all moved in and settled in too. How 'bout dat? I think it's pretty damn kewl.

David, Ed, Peter, Mark, Beth and I got most of the furniture here on Friday. Yesterday Rich and I moved the bureau and other items from Charlie's house after the morning meeting.

MY APARTMENT LOOKS GOOD!!!!!! FEELS GOOD TOO!

Last night, oddly enough, I fell asleep in front of the TV around 9:30ish. When I woke up around 11 I took my sorry butt straight to bed. I guess getting up at 5 AM and going to bed late on Friday along with all the work I did moving, cleaning and putting things away on Friday and Saturday had me a bit wiped out. It's a good feeling to be tired from doing all that kind of work.

My ride to church just called. I am going to toss on my coat and head out. This is her first time coming to get me (obviously, I'm at the new place). So I want to be out front so she can find me easily. Today is the annual church meeting.

I may go to the club later for Super Sunday. Of course, that depends on how I feel later. I have, after all, had a very full weekend so far. LMAO