ODDLY UNENLIGHTENING!

My last meeting of the day has been very enlightening indeed. Something is churning around inside me. I have some anger issues...LMAO!!!!

I was sharing about my higher power...the god thang...religion and the religionists. I heard myself speaking. Sometimes it is like that at meetings. I get that surreal "outside of myself" perspective. I got that tonight while I was talking. Odd how that happened.

There are thing(s) just below the surface that come up from time to time. I can feel it bubbling up much the same way water reaches a rolling boil. I feel this anger...no, rage...building momentum deep inside of me. I had some experiences back when I was in Kansas...when everybody was like that idiotic moron Fred Phelps' dude...when that was the norm back there..but it feels even deeper than that. It's primal, gut-wrenching, all-consuming when I least expect it.

I want to put my back against the wall and face off with the world. I feel so very defensive. I feel unsafe, unsure, unsettled. I'm not mad at god this time but I am mad at all those folks who "work for him....who speak for him...who act for him."

I want to retreat to a secure place emotionally. I want to run and hide...from me? Hmm. From something or someone, I am not sure who or what? I want to scream. I want to hide. I want to attack. I feel vulnerable in a "my world is crashing" kinda of way yet, I know it isn't. Maybe it is a memory of a feeling...a blast from the past? I just don't know. What I do know is that I have to acknowledge it. There's been a lot of stress in my life lately. Maybe it's just about that. Maybe a good night's sleep is the answer. I wish I knew what the question was! I wish I knew what the big picture looked like. It's a swiss cheese kinda thing. I'm not sure I can explain it better than that.

I'll look at it again in the morning, with fresh, well-rested eyes. Maybe then I will see what I am missing tonight. Maybe a nice night's sleep will reduce the heat and eliminate that rolling boil that I am feeling. I'm feeling it again...AGAIN! That again part of it is the oddest of all. Life can be funny like that. This is my "deja sue" world, welcome to it!!!