Boundaries....ugh!

I really have had a productive day. I got to church, to a meeting and to the laundromat.

I let Carrie use my phone to make some phone calls...to rehabs. She'll follow up tomorrow. I told her she could come back to use the phone. As much as I would like to give her a place to stay until she can find an inpatient situation for herself, I know that is not the right thing for either of us.

I was in Jewett City with Carrie when Miss Sunshine called for Carrie...on my pay as you go cell phone. It was all to get a number for a drug dealer...for Vicodin's. I just fired off a flipping email. I am sure that I will be in the dog house for my honesty...and utter lack of diplomacy. I am not going to play the "I don't know what's going on" game. I do know the score and I don't want to enable anyone's addiction. It's not my job to cosign anyone else's bullshit. Friends call friends on shit and that's what I did. It was much nicer via email than it would have been live and in person. I certainly can't make anyone else make good choices, but I also don't have to assist them in making poor choices.

Carrie tried to cover when I confronted her. I was sure it wasn't about the crack dealer but I was also sure it was about pills. I looked her in the eye and said "Bullshit, I am not stupid. I know it's about the narcotics" and she stammered and then shut up. I had hit the nail on the head. I am an addict for pete's sake. I know the drill. I know the suspicious behavior, the low tone of voice on the phone thing, the glancing up at me that says I hope she doesn't catch on to what this is about.

This disease is indeed cunning, baffling and powerful. I aint playing it. I aint playing it for me and I aint playing it for anyone else either. The disease of addiction will take me out any way it can. I don't intend to go out like that. YUP! I'm mad. I am mad at this disease. I'm pissed that it can reach in and grabbed people I care about by the throat and they will go willingly, as if hell is a pleasant destination.

I am grateful that I see the insanity, that I recognize it, that I can set boundaries to defend against it. I am grateful to be clean and sober today, to enjoy the life that I am living today. God bless the addicts that don't have that. God bless them!!!