Tired...

Well, my doctor's office called today. I have an appointment on November 2nd to discuss what to do about my anemia. That feels like such a looong way off. I am sick and tired of being so tired. A couple hours after I get up, I am ready for a looooong nap. I tend to fight that urge. I don't do the 20 minute power nap thing...never did. When I sleep I dedicate myself to the task at hand...for quite a while.

I could live without the ever-present headache and frequent dizziness and the fog I operate out of most of the time. And the sad part is, that's the stuff that isn't so very bad at all.

Early Tuesday morning (a litte after 4 AM) I woke up in pain. I tried to go back to sleep but only managed to toss and turn. At 10 AM I put o n the lidoderm patch...in the groin and on my lower back. I'm not sure what exactly they are supposed to do cause it really did nothing for me. So I kept in on the full 12 hours while taking ibuprofen to try to deal with the pain. I went about my usual activities. I've really come to resent that this pain comes and steals my days like it does. It's exhausting and frustrating and annoying and leaves me feeling like I am at wits end. The old saying, "when you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on" comes to mind. I am hanging onto that knot.

Late Tuesday/early Wednesday (3 AMish) I finally called the doctor on call. I had tried everything I could think of and nothing was working. The pain was unbearable...downright vicious. I am grateful that it is not a constant thing but even this recurring thing is getting to me. I called Generations answering service who had a nice doctor call me back, rather promptly at that. She was n ice enough and I was rather pleasant. I really didn't have the energy to be anything but pleasant. I had been in pain for almost 24 hours at that point. The doctor on-call suggested I go to the DKH ER. Those of you who know me, know I do not hold them in high regard. The last time I had been there they released me even though I was telling them I was in so much pain that I could not stand upright. They brought a wheel chair in so I could crawl into it and wheel myself out. Instead, I waited the additional 20-30 minutes for the pain to subside and hobbled out of their ER.

Sooo, when the on-call gal suggested I go there, I told her something to the effect that I didn't think you could get much service there unless you had a gun. Now I explained to her my last experience with them and how my wording was an expression of frustration with their system. She seemed to get that. She acknowledged that it must be very frustrating for me to be going through this for going on 6 months. She didn't seem unduly concerned with my off-the-cuff comment. She didn't have the police come to my door or anything.

Well, I tried to sleep but the pain just wasn't having it. I was desperate so I asked Mel to bring me to the ER. They put me in triage, asked my name and birth date and then the Putnam police arrived. They asked me why I had threatened to come to the ER with a weapon. I told them I had not done that and related what I had actually said. In the course of talking to them they determined that Troop D had jurisdiction cause I had talked to the doctor from my apartment. So then, Troop D comes in and asks me why I threatened to come to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So I explained to them what had transpired.

Troop D gave me a summons/ticket/whateverthehellyoucallthedamnthing with a court date. Then they left me there to be treated.

I get in the room and the nurse asks me about my physical complaint...a conversation that lasted all of a couple of minutes...and then proceeds to drill me about why I had called and said I was coming to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So, I calmly explained to her what I had actually said. She kept asking questions about specifics for 15 or 20 minutes. I wasn't sure what the point of that was. She wasn't qualified to do a psych eval...I mean the nurses just don't do that sort of thing.

Anyway, I got to hang out in the room for a while and then saw the doctor who poked and prodded and looked at blood test results and stuff like doctor's do. No answers there but I wasn't expecting any. I've kinda given up expecting that someone is gonna tell me what the hell is going on and why I am in extreme pain sometimes.

The doctor came back into the room and asked me if I really meant it when I said I was going to come to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So I explained yet again.

Does anyone out there want to ask me why I threatened to come to the ER with a gun? LMAO...it's a damn good thing I enjoy repeating myself.

I know I used a poor choice of words, for sure, no doubt. I have to go to court and tell that to the powers that be. In this day and age, saying 'son of gun' could get a body in trouble. I'd like to tell you what I was thinking when I said, but I surely was not thinking. I was too tired and in too much pain for too long and my brain was not functioning properly.

It did make me realize that I need help to negotiate this medical system. I can't fight this battle without wiser folks than me on my side. I don't know how this will all work out...it will be what it is gonna be. But I would like to know what is happening and why the pain keeps coming back. After six months of this, I don't think that is too much to ask. Is it?

The Straight and Narrow...

I don't usually spend much time thinking about the 'straight and narrow' folks of the world. Tonight is not one of those times that I can disregard them entirely. I got some questions on my mind.

Do you think they were born that way or did some traumatic life-event stunt their intellectual, spiritual and emotional growth? I do believe that children learn what they live. I mean, if education isn't possible then public education really has no point. But I concede, not all education is of the intellectual variety. Look at athletes and dancers and actors of an exceptional level. There seems to be a physical agility, an intelligence of motion that most of us do not possess. Look at the great minds of philosophy and psychiatry like Jung and Freud and Nietzsche, they seem to possess an intuitive intelligence to a degree most of the rest of us lack.

So, how do we come think as we do? Is it innate (genetic, LOL) or is it learned? How do the institutions like government, family, school and church effect our minds? Are conservatives born or made? Yes indeed, where do conservatives of the political and religious types come from? And, more importantly, can we send them back there?

Why do some people think they can speak for God? Do they think they are that important? Must be pretty kewl to think you are that right all the time, huh? Why do some people think that I should conform to their vision of perfect reality? What the hell makes anyone think that they have a grip on what a perfect reality is? Hmmm...interesting question, eh?

Ever want to shove a pine tree down a conservatives' throat? I've heard that some parts are edible! (not a Euell Gibbons quote, but I couldn't' resist...LOL)

I look at all the outrageous things I've been told by the 'straight and narrow' types. UGH!

It's just a phase..........FOR THIRTY-SIX FREAKING YEARS????

If I pray for release this will be lifted from me...SO GOD MADE ME GAY SO I CAN PRAY TO NOT BE GAY SO HE CAN FIX ME???? GOD MUST BE VERRRRY BORED WITH THE UNIVERSE!!!

It's not normal...AND IT IS NORMAL TO WORRY ABOUT EVERYBODY ELSE LIFE BUT YOUR OWN???? AND JUST BECAUSE IT'S NOT YOUR NORMAL DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT MY NORMAL, BY THE WAY!!!

It's not healthy...REFER TO "It's not normal" response.

God's plan is....YOU CAN FILL IN THE BLANK WITH 'WHATEVER' HERE AS THE RELIGIONISTS GENERALLY DO!!!!

It's in the Bible....WELL THERE ARE ONLY 10 COMMANDMENTS, I'D THINK IF IT WAS THAT IMPORTANT THERE'D BE A COMMANDMENT JUST FOR THAT!!! WAS THAT AN OVERSIGHT?

It's in the Bible...WHY DIDN'T JESUS ADDRESS THIS? WAS THAT AN OVERSIGHT? DOES GOD COMMIT OVERSIGHTS?

Leviticus says, "Man shall not lie with man as with woman" ...WELL OF COURSE NOT, BASIC BIOLOGY, IT'S GOT TO BE DONE DIFFERENT, NOW DOESN'T IT? IS THAT PROHIBITION OR A HEADS-UP ON THE FACTS OF GAY LIFE? DUH!!!

Marriage is between a man and a woman...MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE AND THE DULY ELECTED GOVERNMENT THEY LIVE UNDER!!!

Gays will destroy the institution of marriage....HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THE DIVORCE RATES LATELY? HETEROSEXUALS ARE DOING A GOOD JOB ALL ON THEIR OWN.

Gays will destroy 'family' ...WHERE DO YOU THINK GAYS COME FROM? WHAT DO YOU THINK IT DOES TO A FAMILY TO BELIEVE CASTING OUT A LOVED ONE IS A GOOD IDEA?

Homosexuals are pedophiles...GET A DICTIONARY SO YOU CAN GET CLUE!!!

Gays want 'special' rights...LET'S SEE, THE RIGHT TO LOVE, TO MARRY LAWFULLY, TO CARE FOR OUR LOVED ONES, TO BE RESPECTED AND SAFE IN OUR BEING...HELLO! ARE THERE ANY HUMAN BEINGS WHO DO NOT WANT THOSE RIGHTS???

Dear God, please protect me from your zealots!

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray oh lord, the zealots at bay to keep,
Should they rise up in rancor before I wake, I pray the lord their tongues to take.

Why, oh why, do those conservatives insist that I believe in the God of their understanding? And why the hell do they believe they completely, fully and utterly understand a being of infinite dimensions? Do they really think they can take the infinite and grasp it in the infinitesimal space between their two ears?

OH GIVE ME A HOME, WHERE THE ATHEISTS ROAM,
WHERE THE QUEER AND DISENFRANCHISED PLAY.
WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD A DISPARAGING WORD
AND RELIGIONISTS ARE QUIET ALL DAY!
HOME! HOME OF THE BASICALLY SANE!

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe,
Catch a religionist by the toe!
If he hollars, "don't you believe?'
Just say, "Hell no!"

See, I have a higher power, a god, if you like, of my understanding. I don't have to believe in yours. I have my own. And, incidentally, you can't have my higher power cause it won't work for you. Your straight and narrow mind couldn't begin to conceive of what I call the source of life and light and understanding. My god is Jesus and Allah and Vishnu and the Great Spirit and the four winds and the elements of water, earth, sky and fire; the hint of universal in a limited existence; things seen and unseen, things felt by my heart and soul which no one else will ever experience the way I do. That intimate relationship with the creative essence that I know personally assures me that I am on the right path, pursuing my journey as only I can.

SO GET YOUR PRESUMPTIVE HANDS OFF MY LIFE!!! GET INVOLVED IN YOUR OWN LIFE AND LEAVE THE REST OF US ALONE! ENOUGH OF YOUR HOLIER THAN THOU, EGOCENTRIC, CONTROL DRIVEN RUBBISH!!! I'M MAD AS HELL AND ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TELL YOU SO RIGHT TO YOUR 'GET IN MY FACE' BULLSHIT!!!

AND NEITHER ONE OF US IS GONNA BE HAPPY THAT DAY!

Descent

She reaches sweetly into my heart the way
Early October touches the autumn leaves
And offers a blazing passion of vibrant color
Amidst the love stroked hope of my soul
That turns with outstretched arms wide open
To the pallet of possibilities that she brings.

Fall's Descent

Flaming red maples, leaves tipped to the sky
As warm autumn days turn to brisk fall nights.
Crisp cool air carried by wayward wind wisps by
The flow of the season brings eager foliage nigh.

Change so naturally comes against time's shuttered eye.
It beats and pulses and breathes and chops and slices
Within nature's blind harmony comes resounding chorus.
The ebb and flow of color delights the stalwart forests.

Tis a season for all creatures to slow their cycle down,
To steady harried pace, to plant feet firm upon the ground.
Time to breathe from deepest stirrings, look casually around.
Listen to the silence as the harbinger of change sounds.soon to
Enjoy the mosaic majesty of multi-colored splendor all around.

Autumn leaves are turning, preparing for the fall
Metamorphosis abounding in the god's kingdom hall.
A spectacle of shaded hues highlighted for one and all.
Earth displays her festive finery, very proud and tall.
She speaks to your abysmal soul, heed ye, Gaia's call!

HOPE...

Hope is...

...a newcomer getting up for a 24-hour coin or tag.
...a dear friend and power of example getting a 13 year medallion.
...a sober breath.
...pink hair.
...putting in the effort and hanging around to see what the outcome will be.
...watching someone asking how to let go of a resentment and then listening to suggestions.
...listening to someone share about how they deal with anger and resentment.
...trying something different to see if I get a better result.
...service work.
...honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.
...asking for help.
...not being mired in the muck of the problem(s) du jour.
...looking to the power of example of those who came before.
...being the example I want others to see in me.
...basking in the glory of daylight.
...seeking out the brightest star on the darkest night.
...setting my sail toward my destination believing I can catch the right wind.
...doing the next right thing.
...reaching my hand out.
...reaching out to the hand extended toward me.
...doing the do's.
...moving forever forward.
...knowing standing still is really about losing ground.
...a parent with a child in a meeting.
...going to a meeting instead of going to a party.
...asking how?
...listening to new ways of doing things that I could never imagine before.
...pink hair times two!
...the "we" part of the program.
...seeking what I need instead of what I want.
...one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time!
...the only commodity that really counts.
...the currency of the heart.
...almonds and cheese and refreshing swims and walking home on a warm night.
...the best, dearest friend a soul can embrace.

I have the disease of more. Therefore, there is never enough. There never will be enough. The only way to hold my own is to stop playing the game...just for today! What "I" can do, has never been enough. Left to my own devices, I cannot find hope. I need others, just like me...no matter how different we may seem...to help me along.

My disease offers hopelessness, darkness, helplessness, despair and desperation. It manifests itself in many different ways but none of them are good...none of them are positive...none of them are healthy. As an addict I can either live in my disease or live free from my disease. I can be mired in the muck or I can seek the hope that recovery offers. There is no middle ground, no half way point where I can exist in both worlds at once. It is an either/or proposition. when I try to hold my ground I live an illusion. If I am not moving away from my addictions then they are creeping up on me. That is an immutable fact of my existence.

It is hope that says I can make progress. Some of it is quick and some of it is halting. Some I resist until push comes to shove and I have no alternative but to change. Sometimes I embrace the needed change.

If I do today what I did yesterday, I have the hope that all will be well in the here and now. If I do tomorrow what I did today, then I can have hope for the future. Hope is not a default setting in my thinking. It is an acquired skill which I practice with more or less proficiency on any given day..but, I must practice it each and every day.

If I live in the positive...if I do the positive things I need to do...if I concentrate on doing the next right thing...then, and only then, have I accomplished the monumental feat of keeping myself going in a positive direction. That is how I live in hope. I can only do that to the best of my ability. Some days are surely better than others. Then again, any day I stay away from a drink or drug is a good day. I can rest at night knowing I have done that much right.

There's nothing today that a drink or a drug won't make a damn sight worse. If I don't do anything to make things worse, there's always hope that it will get better. Usually the "it" is me. LOL

Hmmm...

So much going through my head right now. It's hard to think with this stuffy head happening. Gotta love a summer cold! I forget why again. LOL

Part of me feels stuck in the past. Same old, same old. Don't know how to sort all that crap out. I'll figure it out sooner or later. Of course, I would prefer sooner. Oh impatient me!!!

I don't especially care for those times when my head is spinning. This is one of those times. It's been a long time since I've been around a bunch of people feeling so paranoid about what I should and shouldn't do. That happened today. My old shit! Gotta love that too, I guess. Why the hell not?

UGH! I think I need a vacation. I need to find a way to get away and clear my mind. Mind you, a vacation is so NOT in the budget. Still, I know the things that work, that help to get me back to square one. I need to engage those methods so I can clear up this mess between my ears.

I could elaborate on all that, but among other things, I don't have the time or energy to put a book onto my blog. Better to walk the walk than to just talk the talk. Updates may or may not follow. Some things just don't need to be elucidated. As for what's going on in my head...who the hell knows?

It's been a while...

Wow! I didn't realize that my last post was before my b-day, back in mid July! I gotta get on the ball with this. I really do enjoy the journaling aspect to this blog. It helps to keep me centered. And, it's not like I've been so flipping busy.

I have seen alot of doctors recently. UGH! My primary is referring me to a chiropractor and to my surgeon. I've had good expereinces with chiropractors in the past, so I am optimistic about seeing one again.

As for the surgeon's office, well that MA, Jeff, is something else. I feel like he keeps giving me the dodge. All I ever get from him is vague references to "well maybe when the doctor gets back (conference and vacation) you might want to make an appointment."

My doc called the radiologist at Day Kill'em yesterday. The clip in my right side has indeed 'migrated' between the September '08 CT scan and the one in June '09. Now, that says to me, that the surgeon should look into this. Enough is enough already! It's in the abdominal/pelvic area now and my cycle seems to effect it. Makes sense...fluid, bloating and all the accompanying changes that happen would certainly crowd out a foreign object or offer it opportunity to 'poke' me more. But hey, I'm no doctor. I'm just the owner of the body that is trying to get some flipping answers...and I have decided to go after those answers with a vengeance. Let's see how they like me now!!! LOL

Today, my groin is 100% pain free....has been for days. Got some achiness in my right shoulder but that's a whole other issue which, I am working on resolving. I will see the doctor next week about dat little darling.

Anyway, after seeing my doctor yesterday, Mel and I went to Cumberland's for coffee. I love their hazelnut decaf. Wouldn't ya know it, someone back into the car in the lot. I saw it coming but Mel was placing her coffee in the cup holder. It wasn't anything spectacular. We were parked and he didn't see us as we were in his blind spot. He was so apologetic and pleasant, feeling really bad about what happened. Soooo, we ended up in Putnam picking up a rental from Enterprise. It's a nice little Mazda...drives nice. Of course, now there is the whole dealing with the insurance company process...but since no one was hurt, there really wasn't a big bad down side to things.

It may take a while for his company to get on the ball. They told him they would send an adjuster out toward the end of the week. Guess this means we will be travelling to the open house in that pretty little white Mazda. Tsk! Tsk! LMAO

I am house/pet sitting this weekend. Me and Max will be hanging out some. I really love that dog. He is such a big galumph with personality. One of my favorite things is sitting down to watch TV with his head on my lap...so much the more convenient for petting him (and we both agree on that!).

No sooner will I get done with Max than I will be watching Sammy for Jenn and Kent. They are going to Maine for a week. Guess I will be very busy...in a wonderful kinda way. It's so nice to be able to pet sit since I couldn't afford to keep one of my own. Kinda like getting paid for renting'em. Now that's better than those rebates that manufacturers offer!!!

This Saturday is the open house at Ann's and then next Saturday is the Sober Cruise. In between we might hit the Sun game on Sunday...an afternoon game works best for us. And to think, I used to be a night owl.

It's also time to plan another jaunt to Riverview to visit Miss Ashley. We went up for her birthday and I am pleased to report a good time was had by all. All my fears about her not liking Mel cause she was so close to Kay were set to rest. The three of us shopped and then went out to eat thoroughly enjoying the day.

Oh well! I could ramble on and on. No one has ever accused me of being concise. LMFAO

I shall sign off now, resolving to write more frequently. Let's see if I do what I say!