Thursday, September 9, 2010

Rip Van Winkle...and a bunch of other thangs.

I don't think I have ever been so tired as I get at times as of late. What is that about? I mean it hits with a swiftness i can't comprehend and lays me flat as if Stonehenge has landed on me. I fight it. I'm not a nap taker. I do not know how to take a nap. I can sleep for hour upon hour, but those short little naps...well, I just don't get that.

My Lyme test came back negative but I have a delightful little bulls-eye on my belly and my hip wakes me up at night giving new meaning to the term in-FLAMED! I could live without knowing that ugly, ugly feeling.

My surgeon will be fixing my hernia on the 27th of the month. YIPPEE! I consider that very good news cause when that puppy hurts, that puppy really hurts. That there is an end in sight is thing of beauty. Scared? Hell no! I am absolutely excited about the prospect of taking care of business.

That, of course, is the good news. The bad news is that it is still a very bad neighborhood in my head. In meetings, folks talk about that as being behind enemy lines. Well, duh! I am my own worst enemy and worry is like some covert agent that sneaks in and gains control of the grey matter between my two ears. Now mind you, it gains control because I hand over control.

MORE MEETINGS! That's just what the doctor ordered. Well, actually, no one ordered it. Experience has taught me that when my mind is against me and doubt, fear and worry start playing their games more meetings succeed in getting me to a better place...emotionally, spiritually and matter what else fails, more meetings work. I don't know why they work. I don't have to know why they work. I know that it works and that is good enough for me. Don't analyze, utilize!

I realized today that in the midst of life on life's terms, I am basically quite content with me and my life. The bumps in the road remind me that I am on a journey. Call it recovery or simply call it life. It can be a wild ride sometimes but it is most definitely worth it. I'm not trying to go around life today. There is only one way and that is through. Sometimes I go in kicking, screaming and leaving claw marks on things but all of it...the good, the bad and the ugly...has been worth it once I sit on the opposite shore and look back at where I have been and where I am at in the now. I am grateful that life is not always easy. That would get boring real fast.

I can certainly be my own worst enemy. Fear, doubt and insecurity plague me at times. And it is a truism that my troubles are of my own making. Fortunately today I know how to ask for help, how to get perspective and how to listen to voices other than the crazy ones in my own head. Hell, sometimes my instincts are right on these days and I can figure out what the next right thing is. Panic is not my regular default position. Hope is a phone call away or at the place where my fingertips touch the keyboard. Sometimes a deep, relaxing breath is all it takes. Sometimes a simple prayer or a quiet meditation bring me back to the present. I've learned to live Rule #62...don't take yourself so seriously.

When I don't get all caught up in my own head, I do pretty well. That is like way wicked kewl. Once upon a time, I couldn't imagine that was even a possibility. Life is very good today. MY LIFE IS VERY GOOD TODAY!

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