A GRATEFUL HEART!!!

It took a lot to get me here. I messed up! I screwed up! I f*cked up! I spent a lot of time ripping and running. I ripped through life trying to run away from me, running from my emotions, running from my life, running from my responsibilities. It took a lot of running before I was ready to land squarely in sobriety, my feet planted in reality willing to deal with life on life's terms.

I made a lot of mistakes. I'm grateful for each and every one. They helped me to find the gift of desperation. They helped to break me. They helped me to reach out to my higher power and to a bunch of drunks for what I needed. I had to be broken for the real work to have a chance to begin.

I wouldn't change a thing about my past, sordid as some parts of it are notwithstanding. I had to go through what I went through. I had to find my own bottom. I like where I am at today. I like who I am today. I know I am right where I am supposed to be even as I acknowledge that this is not where I am supposed to stay. Life...recovery (I know longer draw a distinction between the two) is a journey not a destination. If I am not moving forward, then I am certainly headed in the wrong direction.

I am grateful for what I have been given. I am grateful for what has been taken away. I am grateful for what is left. I have learned that it is far better to embrace what I have than to pine for what I do not have. Life is good. My life is good.

It would be so easy to take total and complete credit for where I am at today but I know that isn't how I got here. I couldn't do this alone. God knows I tried time and again. I had to ask for help. I had to learn to accept the help that was offered. I had to be desperate enough to begin the process and willing enough each step of the way to do the next right thing. The tools to do that and the direction to take did not come from me. Those things came from those who shared their experience, strength and hope. I followed a well worn path tread by those who came before me. To those souls I shall be forever grateful.

Thank you for 6 years...one day at a time!

OHMIGAWD!!!

I'm sitting here innocently enough when this lightening bolt of pain rips through my head. JEEPERS! As if the cramps weren't bad enough!!! Those lightening bolts of pain are usually a harbingers of an impending hormonal migraine. UGH! Estrogen is NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT my friend!

I know I shouldn't complain. I have enough fingers to count the number of times I have had to endure cramps in my whole damn lifetime. Still...

I swear, if I went through this on a regular basis, as some women have to, I would have had them pull my ovaries out a long time ago. It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....


MOTHER NATURE CAN BE A REAL BITCH!!!

I feel like there is a donkey kicking me in the gut and a Clydesdale is kicking me in the back...and someone just dropped a damn horse shoe into my head and it is pinging around like the silver ball in the pinball machine causing pain every time it hits a damn bumper. ESTROGEN SUCKS!!! Menopause, take me away!!!!!

I'm going to go rest and have a talk with my dear ovaries. Maybe I will share some omelet recipes with them. That'd serve'em right!!! It's time for psychological warfare!!!!

I'm a muddle aged woman...my eggs aint all they are cracked up to be anymore!

I used to think my brain was scrambled...not I suspect my brain and my ovaries are both scrambled.

So, I'm reading a friend's blog....

...about grow lights in the basement and laughing myself silly. I had grow lights in my basement once. I can talk about that now cause the statue of limitations has run out. Of course, there was no real crime in my actions. That was when I discovered that I really do not have a green thumb. I gave it my best shot mind you, but alas, cultivation was never a crime that I excelled at. And, I am sure even the best of jurists would be unable to convict me for subjecting large quantities of dirt to full spectrum lighting. Okay, it wasn't THAT bad...there were some sticks with an occasional leaf that sprouted...AND THEN SUMMARILY DIED A PROMPT YET UGLY DEATH!!!

The idea that someone would put grow lights in their basement to start legitimate seeds for a legal garden is absolutely astonishing to me! I just didn't know what I didn't know. I wonder what horticultural whiz first came up with that rather novel concept? What else can I say? I am just floored! Absolutely floored!!!! That folks can get things to grow indoors is befuddling to my poor agriculturally challenged mind. It is apparent to me that some of the folks I know are downright amazing!!!!

It's been a whirlwind day for me. I got up late so I barely had time to get ready for my ride to church. I was trying to take care of some rather mundane projects...fix the shade for my bedroom window (accomplished, I think)...switch the door on the fridge so that it opens into the kitchen instead of toward the living room (there were some complications there)...use speaker wire to set up an impromptu antenna for my boombox (seems to be working)...

WHEN KENT CALLS ABOUT THE END OF THE MONTH BUSINESS MEETING AT THE CLUB. I had spaced that out. I headed over for that so I could take notes and get the newsletter ready for this month then I hung out for a bit and grabbed a ride to the meeting at St. Alban's. I've been home since just before 9 PM and I am still going.

I put together a flyer for the new Friday night Big Book meeting in Danielson at the East Side Social Club so the information can get out at the District meeting tomorrow night. I also managed to call Carrie for a few. We chatted fora bit and I mentioned the Sound Community Services program I saw online. She didn't seem overly impressed, but hey, that's not on me. I just passed along what I had found out.

Tomorrow morning I will be going with Papa Smurf to Norwich. He does his radiation at Backus and then we will be off to the soup kitchen meeting down there. I'm looking forward to the meeting and it will be nice to visit with him. It will be a pleasant change of pace for both of us.

Well, it's time for this gal to be hitting the hay. I could write on and on. I just had to post the grow light thing. I am absolutely amazed. Never! Never have I consciously heard of anyone growing legal things with grow lights in their basements. Damn! I have to get out more! REALLY!!!!! Maybe meet some more people...of the earth people variety. That's just incredible...........

Change Is Good, Right?

Well, I was gonna do a lot of things today. Among them going to visit my great aunt at the nursing home. Of course, with this ICK, there is no way I can do that. I don't want to get her or anyone else sick.

I am going to lay down for a few (hours probably) so I will be rested for my trip to Waterford tonight. If I feel up to it I may even do the 8 PM meeting at St. James in New London. It appears to be right up the road from the house that Carrie is in. A different meeting would be a nice change of pace.

Oh well! Gotta go! There is a bed upstairs calling my name....

HEALTHY...NO MORE!!!

Apparently, I am not as healthy I would have liked to believe. I have the ICK...that's a technical term.

Sinus pressure...so I snorted some tepid tap water. Maybe it will help, usually does when my sinuses act up.

Runny nose...with a bit of red irritation underneath for good measure and a bit of colorfulness here and there (mostly in the tissues).

Achy...Oh My Achy, Breaky Body!

And I swear that I have never been this cold in my flipping life. REALLY! I got into a VERRRRRY hot bath...it was uncomfortable to get into it was so hot...and freaking shivered and shivered.

I am going to bed...to sleep...to cover up with as many blankets as I can find...and I will probably sleep with my soft and fuzzy robe on over my jamas...cause I just wanna.

I am supposed to bring Max to his appointment in Willi in the morning. I don't have to be there till 9:30 AM. Here's hoping I feel somewhat human by then. Screw human...I'll settle for not so frackin cold!!!!

Oh yeah, and tomorrow evening I am scheduled to go down to Waterford to do a family thing with Carrie at Stonington. I am so gonna nap in a nice warm bed tomorrow after I get back from Willi!!! I don't usually do that sort of thing, but desperate times call for desperate measures. It's time to take care of Sue...and then I shall see where the day takes me.

I just love cold and flu season. On the bright side, I only have to endure till the nasty bug goes on its merry way. I'm just gonna take it one ache at a time!

Here's a helpful tip for you....DO NOT CATCH THIS!!!!

Ahhhh! Sooo much better!!!

What a wonderful day it is! I feel like myself again. Even yesterday was a slow day, a down day. Today the tiredness and the headache seem to have gone away...and may they stay away.

So, I am guessing, as per usual, those two vials of blood I gave at the doctor's office yesterday will show nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe it was something viral. That's what the doctor thought. I think it is kinda funny that viral would reappear over the course of a couple two-three decades in the same manner, but what the hell do I know.

I am just grateful to not be tired and to have energy and that THE FOG HAS LIFTED. That's a wonderful thang!

I am going to finish packing the necessities for my house sitting gig. Me and Max are gonna hang out this week. That is so kewl. I just love that dawg. He is so mellow. I'm glad I have an opportunity to "rent" other folks' pets when they go away. I do so enjoy that!!! We will walk and hang out and watch TV and keep each other company. NICE! VERY NICE!!!

Hopefully I will check in while I am away. I have use of the computer for all my 'puting' needs at Jim and Maureen's which is very kewl. I'd go through withdrawal without internet access for a week. Damn! I am so spoiled! LOL

Happy Valentine's Day All You Sweetheart's Out There!!!!

Wipe Out!!!

I'm not sure what is going on, but I feel terrible today. It started last night when I felt so exhausted all I could do was go to bed at 10 PM. I figured since I've been running and stressing to get things done with less sleep than I should have that it was just all of life on life's terms catching up with me.

I woke up this morning just before 8 AM, still tired, with a headache and I swear to god that I can feel the inflammation in my body. My lips are swollen, my face feels very puffy, my sinuses seemed to be inflamed to an extent and my ankles and my hands seem to have retained some fluid as well. My joints ache and in the shower this morning I noticed that just touching my shins was EXTREMELY painful. That shin thing has been ongoing. I don't know what it is all about. I feel like I could just lay down but I am not especially tired....more lethargic and weak than anything else. I have things to get done but I absolutely do not want to move. My head feels like it is in a fog. UGH!

I have probably caught some nasty bug (aren't they all nasty, though?) that is going around. Well, I don't get sick all that often so I am just might be due for the ick.

I will take it real easy this afternoon. I want to make it to the elections for the Northeast CT New Year's Alkathon committee tonight. I'd consider a nap, but the way I NAP, I'd probably sleep right through 7 PM. I could never do those 20 minute power naps. If I close my eyes, my body goes right to sleep mode. Always has been that way. More power to you folks who can do the power nap thang. That aint me!!!

Well, I am gonna go watch some TV so I can conserve my energy. Imagine me watching TV in the afternoon! That's so NOT my style. LMAO