RECAP...CLARIFY...PLAN OF ACTION

For most of the world 4:44 AM is the middle of the night. For me, it is the middle of my pain...yet again. I took an Ultram a little after 3 AM and it has kicked it down a notch but the uncomfortableness and the sleeplessness abound. I was lying in bed thinking and since my thinking (especially when I am like this) is an oxymoron, I thought I would get up and put it in 'writing' to help me clarify some things.

This pain is getting really old. It seems to be related to my monthly cycle. I suppose I should be grateful that for most of my life I haven't been troubled by pain during my period. I can actually count on one hand the number of times I've ever had cramps...well, up to the point that this all started and I don't know that I would classify this as cramps.

I feel tired and washed out, yet restless with just an annoying amount of insomnia. Nice touch, eh? With the Ultram in my system, the feeling in my groin area is nothing short of weird...and my right shoulder and arm hurt too. Those two things seem to coincide a lot though I don't think they are related but I aint no doctor.

Last Wednesday and Thursday were rough days...physically, emotionally and socially. I had started on Tuesday and was flowing like the mighty Mississippi (an overnight pad every hour or two). I guess it is little wonder that I felt, and still feel wiped out physically. I mean, on top of being anemic to begin with, losing blood like that is bound to do a body bad.

I was edgy, irritable and emotional Wednesday, Thursday and Friday...and I knew it, was aware of it for the most part. So I went about my business like nothing was wrong with me adding more stress to the mix. That wasn't so bright to say the least! I was impatient and frustrated before I picked up the phone to make all those lovely calls where one is traditionally put on hold and otherwise challenged. Whatever was I thinking? Oh yeah, I wasn't doing that whole thinking thing so well.

Thursday at my doctor's office I felt myself escalating emotionally. Oh hell, escalating emotionally doesn't really describe it. I was on an emotional rocket bound for the outer edges of the galaxy when I realized where I was at emotionally. I did not make it out of their in an exactly graceful manner but I did make it out of there.

I spent Thursday afternoon and Friday doing a little thing I like to call hibernating. It's something that I have to do at times. Some have suggested it is akin to isolating, but I don't see it that way.

I was in overload mode. But it is more than that. There are times when dealing with the world is just too much. It becomes almost physically painful to be in social situations. I can't really describe it to others except to liken it to the physical reaction of my eyes to too much sunlight. If you are photosensitive then you know what I mean. The sensation is not really dissimilar.

Thursday afternoon I spent in my bowl chair with a blanket over my head and a cat and dog on my lap. Why the blanket over my head you ask? Well, I was in the middle of what I call my dry migraine. Now you are wondering what the hell that is, aren't you? It is my way of describing a state where I have my migraine symptoms minus the headache...hypersensitivity to light, sound, smells, touch while physically feeling like a rung out dish rag while my brain is incapable of holding two thoughts together. My first 'dry migraine' happened some time in my twenties, maybe before. I might not have known what to call them before that cause I wasn't diagnosed with migraines till then. With a dry migraine, unlike a traditional migraine, sleep is hard to find.

I have been getting a lot of headaches lately but since I am anemic and headaches can be a symptom of anemia, I discounted them as something I would have to put up with until my iron level came up a tad. I did get some relief when I switched from my new glasses back to my last pair of prescription glasses. For a while that helped though some days I notice that these glasses aren't quite up to par. Then again, on most days they seem to be exactly the strength I need.

My opthamologist had told me to wait at least six months after my surgery to get my eyes checked as eyesight was known to change after the surgery. I waited over 8 months. I suspect the thing to do is call and make an appointment to find out what the hell is going on with my peepers. UGH! After Thursday's debacle, I really don't want to see another medical professional...EVER!

And, I probably need to find another primary...not because I was an ass during my visit with my primary (but I was). The system at Generations is that a patient can only discuss ONE thing at a time with their doctor. More things = more visits. Lacking a medical degree, I have no basis upon which to figure out what symptoms/issues are related and therefore should be discussed at any given appointment. There are things that I keep putting off cause of the 'one thing only' rule.

The short list goes like this:

1) That mole that used be clear but is now brown...

2) My right shoulder, elbow, arm pain that has reduced my range of motion...

3) The stiffness on waking or after I sit too long that makes it difficult to get going...

4) My face and lips are frequently puffy and swollen in the morning...

5) Where my shins are sensitive to touch (shaving is painful) but don't hurt otherwise...

6) Thursday we discussed the sores on my tongue (two types) not the refill for the Ultram that I needed for the groin pain. I took my last Ultram at 3:11 AM this morning instead of taking 800 mg of ibuprofen on an empty stomach.

And in addition to the medical stuff, I have other business type matters to take care of. I asked my case manager at United Services for help. I knew that I was too stressed to tackle it all on my own. I am my own worst enemy AND my big mouth is not my friend, not your friend...hell, mostly it just aint friendly when I am stressed. Her advice to me was to keep doing what I am doing, keep making those phone calls and give her a call if I need to talk. WELL, THANKS FOR NOTHING! And I have therapist if I need to talk and lots of sober and sane people to vent to. I'm not sure how helpful having a case manager is. What exactly do they do again?

So I am working on a multifaceted strategy that goes something like this:

A) I will limit my business/professional type calls and appointments to one a day to help me manage my stress levels. Too much time on hold or dealing with bureaucrats does not bring out the best in me.

B) I will enlist the aid of friends to sit with me when I make those calls or have to attend those appointments so I am not left solely to my own devices.

C) I will NOT go to medical appointments alone.

D) I will make lists for my doctor's appointments.

E) I will make a list of 'things to do' and prioritize that list so I do not put my self in more than one stress inducing situation on any given day.

F) I will try to take care of 'business' in the morning when I am at my best mentally, emotionally and physically.

G) Before proceeding with any 'business' I will do a spot check inventory of my emotional state and try to realistically appraise whether I should even consider proceeding.

H) I will start a journal of my emotional/physical states so that I can document where I am at, changes, etc. and try to use it to identify patterns and triggers.

I) I will come up with an exit strategy to be used in those times when I feel myself escalate emotionally (that I can practice) so I use it to get myself out of difficult5 situations as the need arises.

I feel inadequate for having to do all this. I feel like I have failed in some large measure. I expect that I should just be able to handle life like the 'rest of the world' but I am not the rest of the world. I have bipolar disorder. I am frequently outmatched at life. My moods and emotions overwhelm me at times. I have to have a solid, workable plan cause left to my own devices I will get swept up in a tidal wave of emotions and carried out to sea. I have to think things out in advance because when I escalate emotionally rational thought is lost to me. I hate losing control like that. I don't like the consequences to those around me...or to me for that matter. Pretending it doesn't happen is NOT a viable option. I know it happens. The most logical and reasonable course of action is accept it and work with the assets that I do have to offset the liabilities that I possess. I don't have to like...I just have to do it!

Well, that's my story and I am sticking to it! I may amend the process set down here as time goes on, but I think it is a good starting point, a decent strategy. I will tweak it as necessary and do welcome any suggestions to that end.

I'm still tired and the headaches persist but I do manage to get done most of what I want to get done. That is indeed a blessing!

I have to run a few errands this afternoon...unless I hear from Miss Linda about visiting Sue in Hartford. They did a biopsy when they put the stent in her pancreas and found cancer. If they are letting her out today we probably won't visit but there is no word as of yet. DOCTORS! See, it's not just mine that are like that. Please keep Sue in your prayers.

I am going to check at TJ Maxx fro some flavored decaf coffees. They have a lovely selection when they get them in. Shhh! Don't tell too many people or my supply may get seriously depleted rather quickly. Hell,I'd even go to the regular retailer for those coffees IF I only knew who the regular retailers are. I suppose I could track them down but shopping at TJ's for them makes it more of a sport to get there when there is a new supply come in. So today, the game is afoot! LOL

I have to get some boxes. Friends have lots of suggestions for me. I hear tell a couple of the box companies in Putnam will give up boxes...irregulars/ and printing errors I am guessing. Now to get up there! There are some tasks for which the transit bus is really not especially conducive. Schlepping loads of cardboard being one of those things.

Mel has a test tomorrow and another on Sunday at DKH. Her MRI showed lesions and some other irregularities. They are trying to determine the nature of those lesions, etc. They could be old...from previous TBI or they could be new. The tests will hopefully tell us more. Please keep her in your prayers.

I read an article about Haiti today...the looters and the gangs. Sad. But, human nature sometimes looks like inhuman nature...(The Holocaust). It seems to me that the worst of times brings out not only the worst in people, but also the best in people...(Miep Gies). The best just doesn't make front page headlines in the paper. Why do we focus so much on the negative? Could that be human nature?

To see so many human beings left to their own devices, resorting to survival mode is sad. It does remind me that human beings are not that class above the animal kingdom...we are just another part of it. That reminds me of the book "Ishmael" which was a very good read for those of you who might be interested in such. If you have delicate religious sensibilities all wrapped up around organized religion, it will probably offend. Dare to be offended! You may have an eye opening experience. It definitely took me to new horizons.

God Bless Haiti!

Just took my multi-vite, my iron and my sublingual B-12. I am hoping today is a good day. Every two or three days I have to toss my cookies. I highly suspect it is the iron supplement. I've switched it from night time to mid day after my lunch. It says to take with food if stomach upset occurs but I gotta tell ya, offering ammo to some lunatic with an automatic weapon would be akin to doing that some days! I eat. I take my supplements. My stomach cramps up. I kneel before the porcelain princess...sometimes sooner, sometimes later! UGH!!! There are definitely better hobbies!!!

I am thinking of switching back to a chewable multivite and pulverizing my iron pill. I've discovered that chunky things don't necessarily settle well. Anyway, that's my next move if things don't settle down before I buy my next bottle of vitamins. Besides, the chewable multivite tastes pretty darn good!!!

Today I am experimenting with my old glasses. Sometimes the view from the new ones has been 'odd' to say the least. I am thinking they might be too strong and that could cause the headaches. My opthamologist had suggested I wait at least six months after surgery to get new glasses and I did. I am thinking that perhaps the 8 months I waited was not long enough for my eyes to adjust to where they are at now. I'm not sure what weight loss has to do with eyesight but I suspect whatever it is, I got blindsided (pun intended) by it. I'll try to remember to post about how this works out.

Ah well, things to do, places to go, people to annoy. You know me. I gotta be up to something all the time. Have a good one!

I wish cast iron was palatable!!!

I have been so tired for so long. I'd love to have energy again. I'd love to wake up anything but still tired. I'd love to NOT have a pounding, throbbing, annoying, 'please make it go away' headache every day, all day long. I'd love to rip off someone's head and shit down their neck...just for fun but I don't have the energy. Now that's misery!

What's the best way to serve cast iron? Does anyone have an iron flavored crow bar I can suck on?

Even though I am irritable as all get up I wouldn't consider spitting nails cause if I had iron in my mouth I'd be wanting to hold onto it.

I am zapped. I am wiped out. I am so very tired of being so very tired. I have 0 energy...zilch, nada, none!!!

There are things I want to do. I just can't get'em done. I just can't get there from here. It's maddening! It's frustrating! It's pissing me off...ROYALLY!!!

Reading is taxing my physical limitations. It is hard to watch TV with my eyes open. I get hungry but it's so much effort to cook. Hell, getting my cereal fixed in the morning is too much to do sometimes. Caffeine makes me more irritable but does nothing for my energy level or my alertness.

Writing is so hard. Typing aint the worst of it. It's that trying to figure out what I want to say and how to say it to make sense.

I watch my favorite TV shows hoping that they will be over soon so I can just close my eyes. I go to meetings and they seem to drag as if time is standing still.

I want to do so much but I feel like I am molasses trying to climb uphill at twenty below. It's fighting me. I feel like I am losing the battle without any real fight from within me.

It's bedtime for this Bonzo. I'm gonna wrap myself up in between warm blankets and surrender to sleep. I'm too exhausted to fight it anymore. Tomorrow is another day, another battle, just more of the same till the iron level kicks it up a notch.

Can I have barbecue sauce with that cast iron skillet?

OMG WHAT HAPPENED to 2009???

It's New Year's Eve already! Who'da thunk it?

Well, busy day today. I need to touch base with the new landlord and drop off part of the deposit. Oh my! I haven't made the official announcement here yet. I'm moving...I mean, we're moving! Mel and I are moving to a lovely apartment on Lewis Boulevard in Danielson. It's a second floor apartment with beautiful hardwood floors and lots of charm! This place is really quite the find!!! (BTW, thank you Annie for the tip.)

Dennis, the new landlord is very attentive to his property. That's a big plus in my book. I've always been blessed with good landlords but I hear horror stories from friends who have not been so blessed and I shudder.

Midday I will hit a meeting...because I can. While somewhere in all this I shall try to get to Price Chopper to pick up some soda for the Alkathon. Need a sober place to spend the holiday? Come on down...from 6 PM tonight until 6 PM tomorrow there will be AA meetings, food, folks and fellowship! NOW THAT'S A PROPER PARTY!

The crew will be getting to St. Mary's Church in Putnam for 3 PM today to set up. Wanna join us? We'd love to see ya there. It's always a great time!!! Come for a little bit or come and stay the whole time. It's all good AND it's all sober!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Then tomorrow night, New Year's Day night that is...there is a sober AA Dance at St. Mary's in Putnam from 8 PM to midnight. There will be a DJ (the guy from the Sober Cruise) and more food, folks and fun! It's so much better to celebrate with high spirits instead of high on spirits! REALLY!!!

I don't know how late I will be staying at the Alkathon. I woke up tired this morning. My low-iron thang is really starting to get to me. Of course, a nap is out of the question. I don't do those 20 minute power naps folks...I sleep for hours! Then my sleep cycle is disrupted and I miss half my day. (AND NO ONE WANTS TO SEE SUE WHEN HER SLEEP CYCLE IS WAY OFF...CAN YOU SAY MANIC?) Besides, I have lots to do before 3 PM. Sleep is NOT part of my equation. Still, it is nice to be busy, to have purpose and direction, to fall asleep because I am actually tired.

RE: The Eight Year Old Boy in Taunton, MA

http://www.norwichbulletin.com/bizarre/x1903566705/Second-grader-suspended-over-drawing-of-Jesus

It is an indictment of the times in which we live that a simple drawing by an eight year old can cause such consternation.

Perhaps the standards in our post-Columbine world are such that anything perceived as questionable/violent requires careful review. I wonder why the Taunton school system doesn't have a psychologist on staff AND available for such incidents. Wouldn't it have been less drama to simple ask the child if he could explain his drawing to the "nice person (professional) who would like to know more about it?" Why make such a big deal? And, if the school felt the child had an issue (i.e., special need) isn't the SYSTEM responsible for any expenses related to that (i.e., the psych eval)?

Catholics and Episcopalians display crucifixes, which the majority of Protestant denominations do not find to their spiritual liking. Both sides are, of course, correct. It is what has meaning to you that counts. Christians are taught that Christ died for them...in their place. Is this a simple matter of cultural ignorance gone awry? Is this the result of the skewed interpretation of an eight year old?

I saw a follow up that this was NOT the actual picture and that the assignment was not to draw a Christmas picture. Well, I can see how that went down, can't you? School officials are unduly alarmed given our current social climate and send the kid home till an evaluation can be done on him. The parents ask the kid, "what the hell happened" and he says "I had to draw a Christmas picture" and he goes and draws a picture similar to what he drew in school. Perhaps the teacher asked for a picture of the season which to a Christian is NOT a request for a snow-filled scene of some sort. Adults play with semantics all the time...an eight year old isn't qualified to play those games.The kid in his understanding of "Jesus was born to die for your sins" puts himself on the cross so that the God he has been taught to love does not have to die for him. Had this been another time (say the 1950's) or another place (a faith-based school) the child would have received accolades for his generosity of spirit to offer himself so Jesus wouldn't have to die for him.

Bottom line...there will always be CHRIST in our public educational system as long as CHRISTIANS send their kids to public schools. And as long as Muslims, Jews, atheists, etc. continue to send their children to public school the diversity will be maddening at times as we try to grapple with what this means to us as a society.

The Christmas Spirit

I've had folks say, "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" to me. I don't mind either rendition of sincere wishes from a friend or a stranger's heart. It's not the words. When the spirit of the season shines through in what is spoken, then there is no wrong way to say it. When "Merry Christmas" is spoken grudgingly or by rote, then there is little spirit and little meaning that shines through. Why bother?

I keep hearing about service to others. Well, it is the twelfth month and therefore, the twelfth step is a common discussion topic at meetings. I like that about December. I like talking about the gifts that don't get put under the tree, those gifts that don't get wrapped and commercialized. The spirit of giving that prevails for this one solitary month in our culture is astounding. I wish it stayed on for the rest of the year. Yet, I do see evidence of it all around, all the time.

I see evidence on Freecycle.org of people offering to others, freely, with no strings attached. There is a wonderful generosity of spirit that lives in cyberspace yet exhibits itself locally. What a concept!

I see the spirit of giving in the 'Toys for Tots' program and the local food pantries and the Council of Churches help with heating fund. I see the willingness to be part of a larger whole in the scouts and the 4-H and the Rotary and the Lions who all do their part to build community. Volunteers offer service at schools and libraries and hospitals. There are foster parents and foster grandparents and mentors and people reaching out to others in so many ways, one generation helping and guiding the next. Churches, synagogues and mosques build bridges of hope and faith and unity to create a brighter tomorrow.

This week I received several prayers in my email...and then I shared them with others as well. I prayed for some friends and family and even complete strangers. I spent a few moments marvelling a the softly fallen snow as it blanketed a stormy December morning and experienced the awe of nature's ways.

I see kids rushing to line up to visit with Santa, full of the wonder and innocence of youth. I see the older folks slowly shuffling along, enjoying the scenery as they have come to appreciated the wisdom of taking life easy that comes with experience. Then there are those somewhere between the impetuousness of youth and the serenity of old age who seem to scurry along in a frenzy in one moment only to slow down and enjoy a leisurely pace in the next...caught between those worlds.

Christmas tunes abound on the radio sending a message of comfort and joy. The world soaks up the spirit of the season. It is a kinder, gentler time of year. The cold has not settled into our hearts but rather we are warmed by faith and love and family.

Madison Avenue steps in to insist we have to give 'more' and get 'more.' The advertising industry tries to sell us a bill of inferior, commercially produced goods. We resist, weakly and ineffectually. We often times give in while feeling the void, empty feeling that comes with their agenda. Then, we buck up and let the season take us where it may. We pick up the phone and connect with loved ones. We laugh and cry and share our memories of Christmas past. We remember loved ones who are gone and cherish those who are still here.

I hear folks speak of tough economic times, of getting back to basics, of a lean gift-giving season. Then I hear about family traditions and holiday get-togethers, about love, laughter and joys. I listen to the lessons of bonding and binding ourselves the people we hold dear and to the principles that are important to us. There's nothing missing here.

Perhaps the economy won't be stimulated in the way big business would like to see. But, hearts are being stimulated, rejuvenated and healed. People may or may not be coming to the malls, but, we are coming together. We're discovering that it is not what is under the tree that is set up in our house but rather it is the spirit in the home that makes it Christmas. When that spirit travels with us into the world, as we work and play and live our lives, then and only then, does the spirit of Christmas truly live. Only then can I truly experience that spirit of loving-kindness, of giving, of hope and of fellowship with other people.

I wish for all my family and friends the spirit of Christmas, not for this single month, but for always. I wish for this season to touch hearts and minds and to heal the souls of all who have lost their way in a busy world gone awry. I cannot wrap this gift and place it under anyone's tree. What I can do is live this Spirit of Christmas that I may keep it alive to give it away. I cannot hold onto it. I must offer it to others. Then indeed, it becomes the gift that keeps on giving.

Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! May the joy of this season reside in you, guide you and console you and provide you a path for your journey in the coming year.

The Battle of Again

The past is etched in the fire and brimstone of hell
Forming a story that I do not regret, though I know it well.
It wreaks havoc within the here and now sublime.
There is no holy nor unholy way to uncarve time,
To change what has been written in history's noble posts.
In my youth, they said the past had a haunting potential to create future ghosts.
I had no idea the truth of that platitude inscribed upon a tender heart,
No intention of finishing what I did not start.
Yesterday a mighty fortress imprisons, holding sweet emotion hostage again.
I am subdued, defeated, a pawn in the game of what has already been.
There is no fight to fight, no battle a fair struggle could ever win.
All the king's horses and all the king's men won't let me live those days again.
A war of vicious, malevolent words silently screams to be wildly spoken
At the untethered tearing of frail human bonds we have broken
While not a vile breath is whispered past lips that are pursed
With the empty abyss between us, there's no need to make worse.
The votes are in and the tally duly counted up right.
My spirit protests with every shattered bit of its might
Though the scorecard says I have completely lost the fight.
Surrendered to slumber to wait the dawning of the morning light.
In the 'Battle of Again' there's no champion ever to come forth
Save for the candle that lures in the unsuspecting flitting moth.