HOPE...

Hope is...

...a newcomer getting up for a 24-hour coin or tag.
...a dear friend and power of example getting a 13 year medallion.
...a sober breath.
...pink hair.
...putting in the effort and hanging around to see what the outcome will be.
...watching someone asking how to let go of a resentment and then listening to suggestions.
...listening to someone share about how they deal with anger and resentment.
...trying something different to see if I get a better result.
...service work.
...honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.
...asking for help.
...not being mired in the muck of the problem(s) du jour.
...looking to the power of example of those who came before.
...being the example I want others to see in me.
...basking in the glory of daylight.
...seeking out the brightest star on the darkest night.
...setting my sail toward my destination believing I can catch the right wind.
...doing the next right thing.
...reaching my hand out.
...reaching out to the hand extended toward me.
...doing the do's.
...moving forever forward.
...knowing standing still is really about losing ground.
...a parent with a child in a meeting.
...going to a meeting instead of going to a party.
...asking how?
...listening to new ways of doing things that I could never imagine before.
...pink hair times two!
...the "we" part of the program.
...seeking what I need instead of what I want.
...one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time!
...the only commodity that really counts.
...the currency of the heart.
...almonds and cheese and refreshing swims and walking home on a warm night.
...the best, dearest friend a soul can embrace.

I have the disease of more. Therefore, there is never enough. There never will be enough. The only way to hold my own is to stop playing the game...just for today! What "I" can do, has never been enough. Left to my own devices, I cannot find hope. I need others, just like me...no matter how different we may seem...to help me along.

My disease offers hopelessness, darkness, helplessness, despair and desperation. It manifests itself in many different ways but none of them are good...none of them are positive...none of them are healthy. As an addict I can either live in my disease or live free from my disease. I can be mired in the muck or I can seek the hope that recovery offers. There is no middle ground, no half way point where I can exist in both worlds at once. It is an either/or proposition. when I try to hold my ground I live an illusion. If I am not moving away from my addictions then they are creeping up on me. That is an immutable fact of my existence.

It is hope that says I can make progress. Some of it is quick and some of it is halting. Some I resist until push comes to shove and I have no alternative but to change. Sometimes I embrace the needed change.

If I do today what I did yesterday, I have the hope that all will be well in the here and now. If I do tomorrow what I did today, then I can have hope for the future. Hope is not a default setting in my thinking. It is an acquired skill which I practice with more or less proficiency on any given day..but, I must practice it each and every day.

If I live in the positive...if I do the positive things I need to do...if I concentrate on doing the next right thing...then, and only then, have I accomplished the monumental feat of keeping myself going in a positive direction. That is how I live in hope. I can only do that to the best of my ability. Some days are surely better than others. Then again, any day I stay away from a drink or drug is a good day. I can rest at night knowing I have done that much right.

There's nothing today that a drink or a drug won't make a damn sight worse. If I don't do anything to make things worse, there's always hope that it will get better. Usually the "it" is me. LOL

Hmmm...

So much going through my head right now. It's hard to think with this stuffy head happening. Gotta love a summer cold! I forget why again. LOL

Part of me feels stuck in the past. Same old, same old. Don't know how to sort all that crap out. I'll figure it out sooner or later. Of course, I would prefer sooner. Oh impatient me!!!

I don't especially care for those times when my head is spinning. This is one of those times. It's been a long time since I've been around a bunch of people feeling so paranoid about what I should and shouldn't do. That happened today. My old shit! Gotta love that too, I guess. Why the hell not?

UGH! I think I need a vacation. I need to find a way to get away and clear my mind. Mind you, a vacation is so NOT in the budget. Still, I know the things that work, that help to get me back to square one. I need to engage those methods so I can clear up this mess between my ears.

I could elaborate on all that, but among other things, I don't have the time or energy to put a book onto my blog. Better to walk the walk than to just talk the talk. Updates may or may not follow. Some things just don't need to be elucidated. As for what's going on in my head...who the hell knows?

It's been a while...

Wow! I didn't realize that my last post was before my b-day, back in mid July! I gotta get on the ball with this. I really do enjoy the journaling aspect to this blog. It helps to keep me centered. And, it's not like I've been so flipping busy.

I have seen alot of doctors recently. UGH! My primary is referring me to a chiropractor and to my surgeon. I've had good expereinces with chiropractors in the past, so I am optimistic about seeing one again.

As for the surgeon's office, well that MA, Jeff, is something else. I feel like he keeps giving me the dodge. All I ever get from him is vague references to "well maybe when the doctor gets back (conference and vacation) you might want to make an appointment."

My doc called the radiologist at Day Kill'em yesterday. The clip in my right side has indeed 'migrated' between the September '08 CT scan and the one in June '09. Now, that says to me, that the surgeon should look into this. Enough is enough already! It's in the abdominal/pelvic area now and my cycle seems to effect it. Makes sense...fluid, bloating and all the accompanying changes that happen would certainly crowd out a foreign object or offer it opportunity to 'poke' me more. But hey, I'm no doctor. I'm just the owner of the body that is trying to get some flipping answers...and I have decided to go after those answers with a vengeance. Let's see how they like me now!!! LOL

Today, my groin is 100% pain free....has been for days. Got some achiness in my right shoulder but that's a whole other issue which, I am working on resolving. I will see the doctor next week about dat little darling.

Anyway, after seeing my doctor yesterday, Mel and I went to Cumberland's for coffee. I love their hazelnut decaf. Wouldn't ya know it, someone back into the car in the lot. I saw it coming but Mel was placing her coffee in the cup holder. It wasn't anything spectacular. We were parked and he didn't see us as we were in his blind spot. He was so apologetic and pleasant, feeling really bad about what happened. Soooo, we ended up in Putnam picking up a rental from Enterprise. It's a nice little Mazda...drives nice. Of course, now there is the whole dealing with the insurance company process...but since no one was hurt, there really wasn't a big bad down side to things.

It may take a while for his company to get on the ball. They told him they would send an adjuster out toward the end of the week. Guess this means we will be travelling to the open house in that pretty little white Mazda. Tsk! Tsk! LMAO

I am house/pet sitting this weekend. Me and Max will be hanging out some. I really love that dog. He is such a big galumph with personality. One of my favorite things is sitting down to watch TV with his head on my lap...so much the more convenient for petting him (and we both agree on that!).

No sooner will I get done with Max than I will be watching Sammy for Jenn and Kent. They are going to Maine for a week. Guess I will be very busy...in a wonderful kinda way. It's so nice to be able to pet sit since I couldn't afford to keep one of my own. Kinda like getting paid for renting'em. Now that's better than those rebates that manufacturers offer!!!

This Saturday is the open house at Ann's and then next Saturday is the Sober Cruise. In between we might hit the Sun game on Sunday...an afternoon game works best for us. And to think, I used to be a night owl.

It's also time to plan another jaunt to Riverview to visit Miss Ashley. We went up for her birthday and I am pleased to report a good time was had by all. All my fears about her not liking Mel cause she was so close to Kay were set to rest. The three of us shopped and then went out to eat thoroughly enjoying the day.

Oh well! I could ramble on and on. No one has ever accused me of being concise. LMFAO

I shall sign off now, resolving to write more frequently. Let's see if I do what I say!

TRY IT, YOU'LL LIKE IT!!!

HIGH PROTEIN PANCAKES

I started with the Harvest Hill Light and Fluffy pancake mix...and improvised. But the recipe came out so well, I just wanted to share it with folks!

MAKES 7 PANCAKES (store extras in a sealed container in fridge...they reheat well in microwave!)

2/3 c. pancake mix 400 calories, 8 g. protein
1 large egg 150 calories, 12 g. protein
2 scoops of protein powder 200 calories, 36 g. protein (will vary by brand)
1/2 cup of 1% milk 51 calories, 4 g. protein (more or less to taste)
1/4 c. ground flax seed 240 calories, 12 g. protein

135 CALORIES PER PANCAKE 10 GRAMS OF PROTEIN EACH

I added a tablespoon of peanut butter on my pancake for another 100 calories and an additional 5 grams of protein.

I've also made peanut butter and jelly pancakes using the above recipe with a tablespoon of peanut butter and tablespoon of my favorite sugar free jelly which added 35 more calories.

And yes, I use a sugar free pancake syrup that adds 35 calories or less (I use way less than the 1/4 cup it counts as a serving on my single pancake).

I am going to try some fresh fruit to rev up this recipe. I suspect a small amount will go a long way flavor wise and fruit eaten with protein is the best way to have it do its fat fighting thing. Well, that's what those nutrition people keep saying anyway.

I'm liking this experimenting with cooking that I am doing. It's lots of fun, very productive and tastes good too!!! Woohoo!

AGAIN!!!

I got this email entitled "Eisenhower warned us" which was very anti-Muslim. It really bothers me to continually get these types of emails. Muslims, as whole, do NOT deny the Holocaust. Yet, this and any other tidbit that aims to villainize Islam and its people circulates freely with no one questioning the veracity of the statements because WE, as Americans, believe Muslims in general were behind 9/11.

The September 11th attacks were in fact, perpetuated by terrorists, religious extremists, zealots. Those individuals no more represent Islam than those who have bombed abortion clinics represent Christianity. Whenever we seek out a social scapegoat we set the stage for yet another holocaust. To hate a people based on their religious beliefs has been done...done to death as a matter of fact.

Islam is not the scourge of the earth. Muslims are not the spawn of Satan. Each faith, each people, each country holds within itself the potential for great evil. In tearing down the walls that separate us...faith, culture, political boundaries...we create the potential for great good. When we stop highlighting the differences between us and start seeing the connections we all share, then and only then, will the world begin to heal from the hatred and destructiveness.



There is much anti-Muslim propaganda. Schools in Britain are not about to stop teaching about the Holocaust and the Muslim population is not necessarily in favor of that happening. Check out this link...

http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/holocaust.asp


For at least one Muslim view of the holocaust...check out this link...

http://www.dhuha.net/en/content/islam/counseling/muslim-view-about-holocaust


and this is an interesting piece as well...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmEw5M-xK64


There is a lot of anti-Muslim sentiment out there from which emerges much untruth in the same way that anti gay sentiment paints all gays as child molesting, family wrecking, heathens with no regard for God and country. A stereotype is not just the image that others have of me and mine, it also includes all the preconceived notions that I have about others. I need to find what those preconceived notions are so I can seek the truth to live in the light.

Think about it...

Life goes on...

Brought Annie up to Worcester for her dental work today. Damn! No wonder she is gets so uptight. She got there for 9:30 AM and wasn't done until 1 PM. That's a lot of time in the chair!

So I kicked around Worcester. Hit the Goodwill Store on Park Avenue....$4.99 for a t-shirt there...I did NOT buy one. Jeepers! I can get them for less brand new at the end of the season...and it's not like t-shirts really have a season. LOL I did find a pair of blue jean shorts and an Eddie Bauer shirt...very nice.

Yesterday was another hell day for me. I woke up in screaming pain...dealt with it. Well, it's not like I have any other option. I have noted that I've gone through 96 out of 100 acetaminophen this past month. Holy Moley, Mrs. Foley!!!

I came home early from my Wednesday night meeting (after I tossed my cookies...ICK!), took a bath and was in bed by 8 PM...for the night...down for the count. It was a restless night, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable...less downright painful position.

I would have tried to seek some medical help but pain...pain that has been casually dismissed on numerous occasions...does not make Sue a pleasant personality. I've put that on hold...till tomorrow morning. I am going back to my last doctor. I don't like the clinic atmosphere she works in, but I've always found her to be a good listener. Someone's got to start listening...real soon.

Tuesday we drove up to Riverview to visit with Ashley's clinician and with Ashley. I continue to be impressed with the quality of care and genuine concern expressed by those in 'the system.' The kid's got her issues...TBI, lower intellectual functioning, bipolar disorder and the kind of angry outbursts that have already gotten her a laundry list of charges in the juvenile system...but she can be the sweetest, most genuinely delightful person when she is stable. I don't know what the future holds for her, sometimes it gets scary to contemplate all the variables. Today she is in a safe place with competent care and quality professionals who are concerned with her best interests. Who could ask for anything more than that?

Mel was a bit apprehensive about meeting her. Ashley is still very attached to Kay though she hasn't seen or heard from Kay in well over six years. When she lived with her aunt, before she became too much for a traditional family setting to handle, she spent many weekends with us. Kay and I were respite care of sorts. The meeting went well. Ashley was very mellow...and quite tired. She had spent the night before chatting into the wee hours with another client who was leaving in the morning. Thus proving, kids are still kids no matter where you find them. LOL

She had had a rough week the week before. She has to earn privileges back if she wants to visit off-campus for her birthday. Either way, we will be going up on the 21st. If it is an on-grounds visit, we'll bring the cake and party with us. I'm hoping she earns the off-campus privilege though. I think it will do wonders for her morale. She always loves an outing. Well, what's not to like?

Time for me to be thinking of lights out. My doctor's appointment is at 8 AM in the morning. I will hit the streets around 7:30. It's only about a 12-15 minute walk from here but I want to be prompt.

Good night...wish me luck!! I am gonna need it.

...this just in...

Mel and I were talking. She says I have been "out of sorts" since the DKH ER visit.

Interesting. Odd.

I keep 'remembering' something. I'm not sure what it is I am remembering. It's a flash really. Nothing more. I remember the curtains..white or light colored...on those tracts like in the ER...there's a gurny or bed and maybe a table on the side like the old medical stands.

It's just a flash...a tidbit of a memory. I've had this memory before. I don't know where it comes from or what it is about. It seems like a hospital setting...all the beds...the curtains. I'm wearing something white...a johnny gown I think.

It comes with the rage. Does the rage bring it or does it bring the rage?

There's no doctor or nurse in the memory. Just me remembering that I was there for a split second and then poof, it's gone again!

I feel vulnerable in the memory. Scared. Maybe confused or maybe I am confused because I don't have any more of the memory than that and then the fool thing skedaddles. I'm there for an instant then I'm back.

It will go away. It always does. This memory will flash like a neon sign upon my consciousness then be gone as if it was never there.

The feelings will subside. I won't feel like I want to keep my back against the wall. I won't feel the vulnerability. I won't feel the fear. I won't feel the rage...the absolute deep, dark vile rage that surges to consciousness' shore when whatever it is that pries that memory to the surface dissipates allowing it to recede into the shadows once again.

Weird. Weird that this comes and takes me someplace...a place I have been before emotionally...with all the gut wrenching sense of immediacy as if I am there, living it, feeling it, dealing with it.

I wish I knew what hospital, what doctor's office...whatever. I want to know where I am going back to with this memory from hell. I want to find the demons that own this part of me so I can exorcise them.