Scattered pieces marching to mayhems tune
as a shattered bland landscape
that confounds the ordered faculties.
Bypassed bits and perplexing pieces
threatening to go their diverse ways
carelessly travelling without a map.
Unable to come together in due time
apart and separate one from another
cohesive theory does not exist.
Yet designed to be united in a whole,
a vision of concrete human imaginings
complete upon a cardboard canvas.
Friday, November 6, 2009
sandbox
Gritty world of limited time and space
The simple purview, that youthful place.
Not merely dirt but landscape too.
A small place apart for you.
Special arena where fantasy will do.
Like childhood through the hourglass
Silicone memories continue to pass.
Sculpted impermanent in a fluid medium
Change is the inevitable outcome.
Then one lonely day, the prince and princess
Come not hither for their grimy process.
They are grown, all gone and away,
So the sandbox idles till another day,
When another royal clan digs in deep
On the day they come to play for keeps.
The simple purview, that youthful place.
Not merely dirt but landscape too.
A small place apart for you.
Special arena where fantasy will do.
Like childhood through the hourglass
Silicone memories continue to pass.
Sculpted impermanent in a fluid medium
Change is the inevitable outcome.
Then one lonely day, the prince and princess
Come not hither for their grimy process.
They are grown, all gone and away,
So the sandbox idles till another day,
When another royal clan digs in deep
On the day they come to play for keeps.
What is this thing?
A wildly passionate chariot ride drawn by a reckless heart blazing across mystical skies beyond the speed of conscious thought.
Thinking fantastical imaginings of most fanciful dreams that are bursting with the hope that dares to be contained or restrained naught
Anything is possible in this realm with heart strings tugging at the helm.
The coldest fire darkens the lightest beasts of mind resurrected in the past, still dead.
To let go absolutely is the only way to succeed abundantly in embracing that dread.
Yet it is not to limit the joyous state of complete abandonment to the cloudy winds of twisted turbulence that consume the human soul.
It is the very act of faith of the only way known in which a person's shattered state can be gathered to become spiritually whole.
Thinking fantastical imaginings of most fanciful dreams that are bursting with the hope that dares to be contained or restrained naught
Anything is possible in this realm with heart strings tugging at the helm.
The coldest fire darkens the lightest beasts of mind resurrected in the past, still dead.
To let go absolutely is the only way to succeed abundantly in embracing that dread.
Yet it is not to limit the joyous state of complete abandonment to the cloudy winds of twisted turbulence that consume the human soul.
It is the very act of faith of the only way known in which a person's shattered state can be gathered to become spiritually whole.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Ponderings...
Why is it that even though I know there will be bumps in the proverbial road, I'm still surprised when I happen across one?
Why is it so easy to admit that I am not perfect and yet so difficult to look at exactly how I am imperfect?
Exactly why is it that there are not atheists in foxholes?
Instead of insisting on having what I want why can't I want what I have?
Life is a journey, then I'll take the scenic route any day!
Why do we hire weather forecasters to be wrong all the time? Is that really a good investment?
If I believe in God and there is no God, what I have I lost?
Do atheists ever take the non-existence of god as a matter of faith?
If Nietzche is right and God is, in fact, dead, then would he be classified as an atheist or a religionist? Can non-existent beings die?
How did freedom of religion become absence of religion?
How could we dream big enough to send a man to the moon yet we can't imagine a woman in the oval office?
How is it that in our free enterprise system there are companies too large to fail?
The American dream was hijacked by Ambien, et. al.
"When you haven't got time for the pain..." If the answer is in a pill, what the hell was the question?
Maybe the reason we're losing the war on drugs is because the pharmaceutical companies keep pumping untold resources into public relations campaigns that insist drugs are the answer to EVERYTHING!
If prostitution is against the law, then shouldn't all those bank execs who screwed the American public and then asked for bailout money be arrested? We did just pay to get screwed, didn't we?
Why is it said by those who consider themselves patriots, "America, love it or leave it" instead of, "America, love it or change it?"
Why is it unAmerican to work toward changes in the United States and so patriotic to blindly follow without ever questioning?
I must be able to conceive it and believe it if I am going to receive it.
Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. Don't get wrapped up in more than that.
It doesn't really matter "who's on first' if your team isn't playing, now does it?
If I focus on the positive, then I don't have time to get mired in the negative.
God doesn't call the qualified. God qualifies the called. Don't try to qualify that...you're not God!
The difference between me and God is that God never thought s/he was me!
It's said that if you can remember the 60's you weren't really there. Well, a lot of good things got said and done in the sixties but if we don't remember them, does that mean they didn't happen and they weren't said?
If a tree falls in the forest, isn't the forest still there?
Whether I accept life on life's terms or not does not change reality. Acceptance, however, does change me.
When one door closes, pay attention to what happens in the hall while you wait for the next door to open. The NOW exists where you are at, not where you want to be.
I am right where I am supposed to be, but I am not where I am supposed to stay.
It doesn't matter whether I learn from my successes or my failures for growth is always a positive outcome.
How I got here is less important than where I am going from here.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. What are you waiting for?
Why is it so easy to admit that I am not perfect and yet so difficult to look at exactly how I am imperfect?
Exactly why is it that there are not atheists in foxholes?
Instead of insisting on having what I want why can't I want what I have?
Life is a journey, then I'll take the scenic route any day!
Why do we hire weather forecasters to be wrong all the time? Is that really a good investment?
If I believe in God and there is no God, what I have I lost?
Do atheists ever take the non-existence of god as a matter of faith?
If Nietzche is right and God is, in fact, dead, then would he be classified as an atheist or a religionist? Can non-existent beings die?
How did freedom of religion become absence of religion?
How could we dream big enough to send a man to the moon yet we can't imagine a woman in the oval office?
How is it that in our free enterprise system there are companies too large to fail?
The American dream was hijacked by Ambien, et. al.
"When you haven't got time for the pain..." If the answer is in a pill, what the hell was the question?
Maybe the reason we're losing the war on drugs is because the pharmaceutical companies keep pumping untold resources into public relations campaigns that insist drugs are the answer to EVERYTHING!
If prostitution is against the law, then shouldn't all those bank execs who screwed the American public and then asked for bailout money be arrested? We did just pay to get screwed, didn't we?
Why is it said by those who consider themselves patriots, "America, love it or leave it" instead of, "America, love it or change it?"
Why is it unAmerican to work toward changes in the United States and so patriotic to blindly follow without ever questioning?
I must be able to conceive it and believe it if I am going to receive it.
Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. Don't get wrapped up in more than that.
It doesn't really matter "who's on first' if your team isn't playing, now does it?
If I focus on the positive, then I don't have time to get mired in the negative.
God doesn't call the qualified. God qualifies the called. Don't try to qualify that...you're not God!
The difference between me and God is that God never thought s/he was me!
It's said that if you can remember the 60's you weren't really there. Well, a lot of good things got said and done in the sixties but if we don't remember them, does that mean they didn't happen and they weren't said?
If a tree falls in the forest, isn't the forest still there?
Whether I accept life on life's terms or not does not change reality. Acceptance, however, does change me.
When one door closes, pay attention to what happens in the hall while you wait for the next door to open. The NOW exists where you are at, not where you want to be.
I am right where I am supposed to be, but I am not where I am supposed to stay.
It doesn't matter whether I learn from my successes or my failures for growth is always a positive outcome.
How I got here is less important than where I am going from here.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. What are you waiting for?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
an attitude of gratitude
the picturesque fall exploding with colors galore
the solitude and subtle colors of winter's grandeur
which give rise to springs rebirth in vibrant display
to birth summer into full bloom with nature's array
in the delicate features of the most fragrant of flowers
or the sacred stillness of life in the morn's wee hours
till the pace of time of takes off with glorious sunlight
offer opportunity for faux and fancy to take real flight
life pulses on one resounding beat at a time
offering wealth of experience subtle and sublime
madness and mayhem muffled by the mundane
serenity the champion conquers the most inane
the insatiable human heart echoes of love's longing
lamenting hollowness like the waylaid song bird
as miracle expands within to find a full faith
wisp of the human spirit drifting as a wraith
smile upon countenance I know from the inside out
this is fodder that produces the gratitude I'm talking about
so much I can say yet there is that for which words fail
deep inside I reach to touch gentle soul's billowing sail
not simply a single moment of being in this grateful place
it's perpetual maneuvering on gratitude's buoyant grace
the solitude and subtle colors of winter's grandeur
which give rise to springs rebirth in vibrant display
to birth summer into full bloom with nature's array
in the delicate features of the most fragrant of flowers
or the sacred stillness of life in the morn's wee hours
till the pace of time of takes off with glorious sunlight
offer opportunity for faux and fancy to take real flight
life pulses on one resounding beat at a time
offering wealth of experience subtle and sublime
madness and mayhem muffled by the mundane
serenity the champion conquers the most inane
the insatiable human heart echoes of love's longing
lamenting hollowness like the waylaid song bird
as miracle expands within to find a full faith
wisp of the human spirit drifting as a wraith
smile upon countenance I know from the inside out
this is fodder that produces the gratitude I'm talking about
so much I can say yet there is that for which words fail
deep inside I reach to touch gentle soul's billowing sail
not simply a single moment of being in this grateful place
it's perpetual maneuvering on gratitude's buoyant grace
Monday, October 26, 2009
Gratefully yours...
I was talking with Mel today. It's been a little while since I've put together a gratitude list. Hmm..what's that about? Well, there is only one way to correct that so here goes...
I am grateful for
...the sun and the moon and stars in the sky
...the clouds that bring rain and the ones that just drift by
...the fish and the turtles and the sea creatures of all kinds
...the beasts of the land and the birds that fly on the wind
...family and friends who stand beside me through thick and thin
...all the people who challenge me to be the best I've ever been
...all the good times that bring a smile to my face
...even the most disconcerting times I can embrace
...the picture of the fall exploding with colors galore
...the solitude and subtle colors of winter's grandeur
...which give rise to springs rebirth in vibrant display
...to bring summer to full bloom with nature's array
...in the delicate features of the most fragrant of flowers
...or the sacred stillness of life in the morn's wee hours
...till the pace of time of takes off with glorious sunlight
...offering opportunity for fancy to take real flight
...life pulses on one beat at a time
...offering experience subtle and sublime
...madness and mayhem muffled by the mundane
...serenity's victory conquers the most inane
...with the human heart echoing love and faith
...wisp of the human spirit drifting as a wraith
...smile upon countenance I know from the inside out
...what in the world would would I be ungrateful about?
Just some stray thoughts...and I think I have a poem in the midst of all that. Let's see how that plays out. NO FILM AT 11! LOL
I am grateful for
...the sun and the moon and stars in the sky
...the clouds that bring rain and the ones that just drift by
...the fish and the turtles and the sea creatures of all kinds
...the beasts of the land and the birds that fly on the wind
...family and friends who stand beside me through thick and thin
...all the people who challenge me to be the best I've ever been
...all the good times that bring a smile to my face
...even the most disconcerting times I can embrace
...the picture of the fall exploding with colors galore
...the solitude and subtle colors of winter's grandeur
...which give rise to springs rebirth in vibrant display
...to bring summer to full bloom with nature's array
...in the delicate features of the most fragrant of flowers
...or the sacred stillness of life in the morn's wee hours
...till the pace of time of takes off with glorious sunlight
...offering opportunity for fancy to take real flight
...life pulses on one beat at a time
...offering experience subtle and sublime
...madness and mayhem muffled by the mundane
...serenity's victory conquers the most inane
...with the human heart echoing love and faith
...wisp of the human spirit drifting as a wraith
...smile upon countenance I know from the inside out
...what in the world would would I be ungrateful about?
Just some stray thoughts...and I think I have a poem in the midst of all that. Let's see how that plays out. NO FILM AT 11! LOL
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tired...
Well, my doctor's office called today. I have an appointment on November 2nd to discuss what to do about my anemia. That feels like such a looong way off. I am sick and tired of being so tired. A couple hours after I get up, I am ready for a looooong nap. I tend to fight that urge. I don't do the 20 minute power nap thing...never did. When I sleep I dedicate myself to the task at hand...for quite a while.
I could live without the ever-present headache and frequent dizziness and the fog I operate out of most of the time. And the sad part is, that's the stuff that isn't so very bad at all.
Early Tuesday morning (a litte after 4 AM) I woke up in pain. I tried to go back to sleep but only managed to toss and turn. At 10 AM I put o n the lidoderm patch...in the groin and on my lower back. I'm not sure what exactly they are supposed to do cause it really did nothing for me. So I kept in on the full 12 hours while taking ibuprofen to try to deal with the pain. I went about my usual activities. I've really come to resent that this pain comes and steals my days like it does. It's exhausting and frustrating and annoying and leaves me feeling like I am at wits end. The old saying, "when you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on" comes to mind. I am hanging onto that knot.
Late Tuesday/early Wednesday (3 AMish) I finally called the doctor on call. I had tried everything I could think of and nothing was working. The pain was unbearable...downright vicious. I am grateful that it is not a constant thing but even this recurring thing is getting to me. I called Generations answering service who had a nice doctor call me back, rather promptly at that. She was n ice enough and I was rather pleasant. I really didn't have the energy to be anything but pleasant. I had been in pain for almost 24 hours at that point. The doctor on-call suggested I go to the DKH ER. Those of you who know me, know I do not hold them in high regard. The last time I had been there they released me even though I was telling them I was in so much pain that I could not stand upright. They brought a wheel chair in so I could crawl into it and wheel myself out. Instead, I waited the additional 20-30 minutes for the pain to subside and hobbled out of their ER.
Sooo, when the on-call gal suggested I go there, I told her something to the effect that I didn't think you could get much service there unless you had a gun. Now I explained to her my last experience with them and how my wording was an expression of frustration with their system. She seemed to get that. She acknowledged that it must be very frustrating for me to be going through this for going on 6 months. She didn't seem unduly concerned with my off-the-cuff comment. She didn't have the police come to my door or anything.
Well, I tried to sleep but the pain just wasn't having it. I was desperate so I asked Mel to bring me to the ER. They put me in triage, asked my name and birth date and then the Putnam police arrived. They asked me why I had threatened to come to the ER with a weapon. I told them I had not done that and related what I had actually said. In the course of talking to them they determined that Troop D had jurisdiction cause I had talked to the doctor from my apartment. So then, Troop D comes in and asks me why I threatened to come to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So I explained to them what had transpired.
Troop D gave me a summons/ticket/whateverthehellyoucallthedamnthing with a court date. Then they left me there to be treated.
I get in the room and the nurse asks me about my physical complaint...a conversation that lasted all of a couple of minutes...and then proceeds to drill me about why I had called and said I was coming to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So, I calmly explained to her what I had actually said. She kept asking questions about specifics for 15 or 20 minutes. I wasn't sure what the point of that was. She wasn't qualified to do a psych eval...I mean the nurses just don't do that sort of thing.
Anyway, I got to hang out in the room for a while and then saw the doctor who poked and prodded and looked at blood test results and stuff like doctor's do. No answers there but I wasn't expecting any. I've kinda given up expecting that someone is gonna tell me what the hell is going on and why I am in extreme pain sometimes.
The doctor came back into the room and asked me if I really meant it when I said I was going to come to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So I explained yet again.
Does anyone out there want to ask me why I threatened to come to the ER with a gun? LMAO...it's a damn good thing I enjoy repeating myself.
I know I used a poor choice of words, for sure, no doubt. I have to go to court and tell that to the powers that be. In this day and age, saying 'son of gun' could get a body in trouble. I'd like to tell you what I was thinking when I said, but I surely was not thinking. I was too tired and in too much pain for too long and my brain was not functioning properly.
It did make me realize that I need help to negotiate this medical system. I can't fight this battle without wiser folks than me on my side. I don't know how this will all work out...it will be what it is gonna be. But I would like to know what is happening and why the pain keeps coming back. After six months of this, I don't think that is too much to ask. Is it?
I could live without the ever-present headache and frequent dizziness and the fog I operate out of most of the time. And the sad part is, that's the stuff that isn't so very bad at all.
Early Tuesday morning (a litte after 4 AM) I woke up in pain. I tried to go back to sleep but only managed to toss and turn. At 10 AM I put o n the lidoderm patch...in the groin and on my lower back. I'm not sure what exactly they are supposed to do cause it really did nothing for me. So I kept in on the full 12 hours while taking ibuprofen to try to deal with the pain. I went about my usual activities. I've really come to resent that this pain comes and steals my days like it does. It's exhausting and frustrating and annoying and leaves me feeling like I am at wits end. The old saying, "when you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on" comes to mind. I am hanging onto that knot.
Late Tuesday/early Wednesday (3 AMish) I finally called the doctor on call. I had tried everything I could think of and nothing was working. The pain was unbearable...downright vicious. I am grateful that it is not a constant thing but even this recurring thing is getting to me. I called Generations answering service who had a nice doctor call me back, rather promptly at that. She was n ice enough and I was rather pleasant. I really didn't have the energy to be anything but pleasant. I had been in pain for almost 24 hours at that point. The doctor on-call suggested I go to the DKH ER. Those of you who know me, know I do not hold them in high regard. The last time I had been there they released me even though I was telling them I was in so much pain that I could not stand upright. They brought a wheel chair in so I could crawl into it and wheel myself out. Instead, I waited the additional 20-30 minutes for the pain to subside and hobbled out of their ER.
Sooo, when the on-call gal suggested I go there, I told her something to the effect that I didn't think you could get much service there unless you had a gun. Now I explained to her my last experience with them and how my wording was an expression of frustration with their system. She seemed to get that. She acknowledged that it must be very frustrating for me to be going through this for going on 6 months. She didn't seem unduly concerned with my off-the-cuff comment. She didn't have the police come to my door or anything.
Well, I tried to sleep but the pain just wasn't having it. I was desperate so I asked Mel to bring me to the ER. They put me in triage, asked my name and birth date and then the Putnam police arrived. They asked me why I had threatened to come to the ER with a weapon. I told them I had not done that and related what I had actually said. In the course of talking to them they determined that Troop D had jurisdiction cause I had talked to the doctor from my apartment. So then, Troop D comes in and asks me why I threatened to come to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So I explained to them what had transpired.
Troop D gave me a summons/ticket/whateverthehellyoucallthedamnthing with a court date. Then they left me there to be treated.
I get in the room and the nurse asks me about my physical complaint...a conversation that lasted all of a couple of minutes...and then proceeds to drill me about why I had called and said I was coming to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So, I calmly explained to her what I had actually said. She kept asking questions about specifics for 15 or 20 minutes. I wasn't sure what the point of that was. She wasn't qualified to do a psych eval...I mean the nurses just don't do that sort of thing.
Anyway, I got to hang out in the room for a while and then saw the doctor who poked and prodded and looked at blood test results and stuff like doctor's do. No answers there but I wasn't expecting any. I've kinda given up expecting that someone is gonna tell me what the hell is going on and why I am in extreme pain sometimes.
The doctor came back into the room and asked me if I really meant it when I said I was going to come to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So I explained yet again.
Does anyone out there want to ask me why I threatened to come to the ER with a gun? LMAO...it's a damn good thing I enjoy repeating myself.
I know I used a poor choice of words, for sure, no doubt. I have to go to court and tell that to the powers that be. In this day and age, saying 'son of gun' could get a body in trouble. I'd like to tell you what I was thinking when I said, but I surely was not thinking. I was too tired and in too much pain for too long and my brain was not functioning properly.
It did make me realize that I need help to negotiate this medical system. I can't fight this battle without wiser folks than me on my side. I don't know how this will all work out...it will be what it is gonna be. But I would like to know what is happening and why the pain keeps coming back. After six months of this, I don't think that is too much to ask. Is it?
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