My last meeting of the day has been very enlightening indeed. Something is churning around inside me. I have some anger issues...LMAO!!!!
I was sharing about my higher power...the god thang...religion and the religionists. I heard myself speaking. Sometimes it is like that at meetings. I get that surreal "outside of myself" perspective. I got that tonight while I was talking. Odd how that happened.
There are thing(s) just below the surface that come up from time to time. I can feel it bubbling up much the same way water reaches a rolling boil. I feel this anger...no, rage...building momentum deep inside of me. I had some experiences back when I was in Kansas...when everybody was like that idiotic moron Fred Phelps' dude...when that was the norm back there..but it feels even deeper than that. It's primal, gut-wrenching, all-consuming when I least expect it.
I want to put my back against the wall and face off with the world. I feel so very defensive. I feel unsafe, unsure, unsettled. I'm not mad at god this time but I am mad at all those folks who "work for him....who speak for him...who act for him."
I want to retreat to a secure place emotionally. I want to run and hide...from me? Hmm. From something or someone, I am not sure who or what? I want to scream. I want to hide. I want to attack. I feel vulnerable in a "my world is crashing" kinda of way yet, I know it isn't. Maybe it is a memory of a feeling...a blast from the past? I just don't know. What I do know is that I have to acknowledge it. There's been a lot of stress in my life lately. Maybe it's just about that. Maybe a good night's sleep is the answer. I wish I knew what the question was! I wish I knew what the big picture looked like. It's a swiss cheese kinda thing. I'm not sure I can explain it better than that.
I'll look at it again in the morning, with fresh, well-rested eyes. Maybe then I will see what I am missing tonight. Maybe a nice night's sleep will reduce the heat and eliminate that rolling boil that I am feeling. I'm feeling it again...AGAIN! That again part of it is the oddest of all. Life can be funny like that. This is my "deja sue" world, welcome to it!!!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
It's been a loooooong day...and it aint over yet!
I've been up since 4:30 AM.I had plans to go to the 7 AM meeting in Willi on the way to drop Carrie off at Stonington Institute. Yes! It was the scenic route. I felt a morning meeting would put me in a good frame of mind for my day's journey. I am pleased to report that I was 100% correct.
I am so tired. It didn't help that I woke up every 45 minutes to an hour last night. I knew I had to be up by 5 AM to be on schedule. I always psych myself out when I have to get up early to be somewhere.
I managed to make it back into town for the noontime meeting at the college. I brought a friend there for the first time. She liked the meeting. She's looking for a local sponsor. The only way to find one of them is to do meetings, meetings and more meetings. Oy vay!
I had to wait for the plumber who showed up at 2 PM...just like he said he would. Of course, being concerned about the running water and waiting for him caused me to totally space out my appointment with my psychiatrist and my therapist today. I got to see my therapist...hurried down there after I got a phone call from United Services. Some days I feel so blonde. Sleep deprivation is not my friend. REALLY!!!!
Rachel has been on my mind lately. We buried her at this time of year. Perhaps that's why she is on my mind. I remember her funeral. I remember watching her 16 month old son playing in the funeral home while mom was the "guest of honor." I don't think I've ever seen anything so obscene as that juxtaposition of "the absolute promise of the hope of childhood" and the utter hopelessness of this disease called addiction. I think of Carrie's daughters' and I cringe.
And tonight I will be going to yet another meeting. It's been that kind of day for me. The Carrie thing is weighing heavy on my mind. I can only do what I can do. I know that. But, this disease is so cunning, baffling and powerful. It's very scary. I've been to too many funerals, seen too many die too young. Whatever will be, will be. It's just that some days the writing on the wall seems more legible than on other days. Prayers, good wishes and positive thoughts would all be appreciated.
I am so tired. It didn't help that I woke up every 45 minutes to an hour last night. I knew I had to be up by 5 AM to be on schedule. I always psych myself out when I have to get up early to be somewhere.
I managed to make it back into town for the noontime meeting at the college. I brought a friend there for the first time. She liked the meeting. She's looking for a local sponsor. The only way to find one of them is to do meetings, meetings and more meetings. Oy vay!
I had to wait for the plumber who showed up at 2 PM...just like he said he would. Of course, being concerned about the running water and waiting for him caused me to totally space out my appointment with my psychiatrist and my therapist today. I got to see my therapist...hurried down there after I got a phone call from United Services. Some days I feel so blonde. Sleep deprivation is not my friend. REALLY!!!!
Rachel has been on my mind lately. We buried her at this time of year. Perhaps that's why she is on my mind. I remember her funeral. I remember watching her 16 month old son playing in the funeral home while mom was the "guest of honor." I don't think I've ever seen anything so obscene as that juxtaposition of "the absolute promise of the hope of childhood" and the utter hopelessness of this disease called addiction. I think of Carrie's daughters' and I cringe.
And tonight I will be going to yet another meeting. It's been that kind of day for me. The Carrie thing is weighing heavy on my mind. I can only do what I can do. I know that. But, this disease is so cunning, baffling and powerful. It's very scary. I've been to too many funerals, seen too many die too young. Whatever will be, will be. It's just that some days the writing on the wall seems more legible than on other days. Prayers, good wishes and positive thoughts would all be appreciated.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Boundaries....ugh!
I really have had a productive day. I got to church, to a meeting and to the laundromat.
I let Carrie use my phone to make some phone calls...to rehabs. She'll follow up tomorrow. I told her she could come back to use the phone. As much as I would like to give her a place to stay until she can find an inpatient situation for herself, I know that is not the right thing for either of us.
I was in Jewett City with Carrie when Miss Sunshine called for Carrie...on my pay as you go cell phone. It was all to get a number for a drug dealer...for Vicodin's. I just fired off a flipping email. I am sure that I will be in the dog house for my honesty...and utter lack of diplomacy. I am not going to play the "I don't know what's going on" game. I do know the score and I don't want to enable anyone's addiction. It's not my job to cosign anyone else's bullshit. Friends call friends on shit and that's what I did. It was much nicer via email than it would have been live and in person. I certainly can't make anyone else make good choices, but I also don't have to assist them in making poor choices.
Carrie tried to cover when I confronted her. I was sure it wasn't about the crack dealer but I was also sure it was about pills. I looked her in the eye and said "Bullshit, I am not stupid. I know it's about the narcotics" and she stammered and then shut up. I had hit the nail on the head. I am an addict for pete's sake. I know the drill. I know the suspicious behavior, the low tone of voice on the phone thing, the glancing up at me that says I hope she doesn't catch on to what this is about.
This disease is indeed cunning, baffling and powerful. I aint playing it. I aint playing it for me and I aint playing it for anyone else either. The disease of addiction will take me out any way it can. I don't intend to go out like that. YUP! I'm mad. I am mad at this disease. I'm pissed that it can reach in and grabbed people I care about by the throat and they will go willingly, as if hell is a pleasant destination.
I am grateful that I see the insanity, that I recognize it, that I can set boundaries to defend against it. I am grateful to be clean and sober today, to enjoy the life that I am living today. God bless the addicts that don't have that. God bless them!!!
I let Carrie use my phone to make some phone calls...to rehabs. She'll follow up tomorrow. I told her she could come back to use the phone. As much as I would like to give her a place to stay until she can find an inpatient situation for herself, I know that is not the right thing for either of us.
I was in Jewett City with Carrie when Miss Sunshine called for Carrie...on my pay as you go cell phone. It was all to get a number for a drug dealer...for Vicodin's. I just fired off a flipping email. I am sure that I will be in the dog house for my honesty...and utter lack of diplomacy. I am not going to play the "I don't know what's going on" game. I do know the score and I don't want to enable anyone's addiction. It's not my job to cosign anyone else's bullshit. Friends call friends on shit and that's what I did. It was much nicer via email than it would have been live and in person. I certainly can't make anyone else make good choices, but I also don't have to assist them in making poor choices.
Carrie tried to cover when I confronted her. I was sure it wasn't about the crack dealer but I was also sure it was about pills. I looked her in the eye and said "Bullshit, I am not stupid. I know it's about the narcotics" and she stammered and then shut up. I had hit the nail on the head. I am an addict for pete's sake. I know the drill. I know the suspicious behavior, the low tone of voice on the phone thing, the glancing up at me that says I hope she doesn't catch on to what this is about.
This disease is indeed cunning, baffling and powerful. I aint playing it. I aint playing it for me and I aint playing it for anyone else either. The disease of addiction will take me out any way it can. I don't intend to go out like that. YUP! I'm mad. I am mad at this disease. I'm pissed that it can reach in and grabbed people I care about by the throat and they will go willingly, as if hell is a pleasant destination.
I am grateful that I see the insanity, that I recognize it, that I can set boundaries to defend against it. I am grateful to be clean and sober today, to enjoy the life that I am living today. God bless the addicts that don't have that. God bless them!!!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Home Sweet Home
Today was a good day! I put up curtains in the bedroom and the kitchen. The curtain over the sink is too short. Details! Details! Details1 Well, I guess I will have to work on that sooner or later.
My bigger project is getting curtains up in the living room. My desk is in front of the window by the porch and between the lack of privacy and the afternoon sun, something must be done! I am so not a domestic goddess! I will adapt, but it may take me some time. I will do my domestic thang on the remedial program. LOL
Tomorrow I will hit Price Chopper in Putnam and do some shopping. It's my favorite grocery store. Interestingly enough, grocery shopping will be rather quick. My food requirements have gone waaaaay down since the surgery.
I managed to pick up some Kashi Go Lean (seriously high protein) cereal at Target today...and at a very good price. Served as a quick cereal the stuff simply sucks. I add a heaping teaspoon of milled flax seed, a small handful of trail mix (raisin & nuts), Splenda (or Stevia) and hot milk...and serve as a hot cereal. YUMMY! I highly recommend it! If you've tried it without the doctoring and didn't like it, try something a bit creative and you may find it more palatable. This is my idea of 'COOKING' breakfast.
Tomorrow is gonna be a busy day for me. I have lots of running around to do and I may fit in a meeting or two as well. For right now, I am just plain old fashioned tired so I think I shall hit the hay so I can start again tomorrow.
My bigger project is getting curtains up in the living room. My desk is in front of the window by the porch and between the lack of privacy and the afternoon sun, something must be done! I am so not a domestic goddess! I will adapt, but it may take me some time. I will do my domestic thang on the remedial program. LOL
Tomorrow I will hit Price Chopper in Putnam and do some shopping. It's my favorite grocery store. Interestingly enough, grocery shopping will be rather quick. My food requirements have gone waaaaay down since the surgery.
I managed to pick up some Kashi Go Lean (seriously high protein) cereal at Target today...and at a very good price. Served as a quick cereal the stuff simply sucks. I add a heaping teaspoon of milled flax seed, a small handful of trail mix (raisin & nuts), Splenda (or Stevia) and hot milk...and serve as a hot cereal. YUMMY! I highly recommend it! If you've tried it without the doctoring and didn't like it, try something a bit creative and you may find it more palatable. This is my idea of 'COOKING' breakfast.
Tomorrow is gonna be a busy day for me. I have lots of running around to do and I may fit in a meeting or two as well. For right now, I am just plain old fashioned tired so I think I shall hit the hay so I can start again tomorrow.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Mission Accomplished!!!
Yuppers! I did it! I am all moved in and settled in too. How 'bout dat? I think it's pretty damn kewl.
David, Ed, Peter, Mark, Beth and I got most of the furniture here on Friday. Yesterday Rich and I moved the bureau and other items from Charlie's house after the morning meeting.
MY APARTMENT LOOKS GOOD!!!!!! FEELS GOOD TOO!
Last night, oddly enough, I fell asleep in front of the TV around 9:30ish. When I woke up around 11 I took my sorry butt straight to bed. I guess getting up at 5 AM and going to bed late on Friday along with all the work I did moving, cleaning and putting things away on Friday and Saturday had me a bit wiped out. It's a good feeling to be tired from doing all that kind of work.
My ride to church just called. I am going to toss on my coat and head out. This is her first time coming to get me (obviously, I'm at the new place). So I want to be out front so she can find me easily. Today is the annual church meeting.
I may go to the club later for Super Sunday. Of course, that depends on how I feel later. I have, after all, had a very full weekend so far. LMAO
David, Ed, Peter, Mark, Beth and I got most of the furniture here on Friday. Yesterday Rich and I moved the bureau and other items from Charlie's house after the morning meeting.
MY APARTMENT LOOKS GOOD!!!!!! FEELS GOOD TOO!
Last night, oddly enough, I fell asleep in front of the TV around 9:30ish. When I woke up around 11 I took my sorry butt straight to bed. I guess getting up at 5 AM and going to bed late on Friday along with all the work I did moving, cleaning and putting things away on Friday and Saturday had me a bit wiped out. It's a good feeling to be tired from doing all that kind of work.
My ride to church just called. I am going to toss on my coat and head out. This is her first time coming to get me (obviously, I'm at the new place). So I want to be out front so she can find me easily. Today is the annual church meeting.
I may go to the club later for Super Sunday. Of course, that depends on how I feel later. I have, after all, had a very full weekend so far. LMAO
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
IN A HOLDING PATTERN....(no more)
Bureaucracies and behemoth systems drive me nuts! It's a short commute for me, but still, the insanity comes. I feel like I am banging my head against the flipping wall.
The nice lady at TVCCA wants me in my apartment by February 1st. In theory, that's a great idea. Of course, if she would get back to me with some freaking paperwork to effect that end, it would be so much easier. Hell, I aint even fussy bout da paperwork at this point. I've called so many times THIS WEEK (and is it only Wednesday) that I a can't use one hand to count anymore. Knowing my portion of the rent would be like so ENLIGHTENING. If the landlord and I get no paperwork form them he is going to want the whole amount from me for 1st month. I don't have the extra couple, two, three hundred to play around with.
I am getting very frustrated. Today is not a good day for a ride to Norwich but I may be down there tomorrow. I really don't think my odds of getting an answer today are really very good.
SOOOOOO...PROMPTED BY THE MEANDERINGS OF MY OWN MIND ON MY OWN BLOG,I MADE SOME PHONE CALLS. Houston, I have a dollar figure!!! Whoa! Doing the footwork pays off. I don't have to go to Norwich...YEAH! (nothing 'gainst Norwich, mind you, just a long way to go for nothing but bureaucratic bull-oney!)
Well, my day just got immeasurably better and I feel so much less stressed at the moment. Now I have to coordinate all the help I have for the weekend. I want to get in on Friday and Saturday. Sunday is our annual parish meeting and SUPER BOWL SUNDAY...both facts that limit my number of helpers for Sunday.
I am feeling much more optimistic. Yeehaw! Of course, it still feels like I am moving in on a hope and a prayer...but that's what faith is all about for me. It will work out. After all, life is a journey, not a destination. What a wild ride sometimes!!!
I am going to hop in the shower and see if my day can get even better. I woke up with a slightly swollen face and a headache and with my joints stiff and aching. Oye Vay! A nice warm, steamy shower, some soothing Dove body wash with menthol, add a good bit of almond oil over my ever-dry skin (...no towel drying allowed) and I should be golden...and able to move without undue stiffness. Welcome to my morning ritual! LOL I actually enjoy taking the extra time to take care of me. I figure I deserve the special attention.
And who knows, this being one them snow days and all, I may just pop in and add another entry a bit later on. I have been remiss in posting to my blog with all the hustle and bustle of getting my ducks in a row for the apartment. I like to think that things have settled down now. You don't think I am being too optimistic, do you? LMAO
The nice lady at TVCCA wants me in my apartment by February 1st. In theory, that's a great idea. Of course, if she would get back to me with some freaking paperwork to effect that end, it would be so much easier. Hell, I aint even fussy bout da paperwork at this point. I've called so many times THIS WEEK (and is it only Wednesday) that I a can't use one hand to count anymore. Knowing my portion of the rent would be like so ENLIGHTENING. If the landlord and I get no paperwork form them he is going to want the whole amount from me for 1st month. I don't have the extra couple, two, three hundred to play around with.
I am getting very frustrated. Today is not a good day for a ride to Norwich but I may be down there tomorrow. I really don't think my odds of getting an answer today are really very good.
SOOOOOO...PROMPTED BY THE MEANDERINGS OF MY OWN MIND ON MY OWN BLOG,I MADE SOME PHONE CALLS. Houston, I have a dollar figure!!! Whoa! Doing the footwork pays off. I don't have to go to Norwich...YEAH! (nothing 'gainst Norwich, mind you, just a long way to go for nothing but bureaucratic bull-oney!)
Well, my day just got immeasurably better and I feel so much less stressed at the moment. Now I have to coordinate all the help I have for the weekend. I want to get in on Friday and Saturday. Sunday is our annual parish meeting and SUPER BOWL SUNDAY...both facts that limit my number of helpers for Sunday.
I am feeling much more optimistic. Yeehaw! Of course, it still feels like I am moving in on a hope and a prayer...but that's what faith is all about for me. It will work out. After all, life is a journey, not a destination. What a wild ride sometimes!!!
I am going to hop in the shower and see if my day can get even better. I woke up with a slightly swollen face and a headache and with my joints stiff and aching. Oye Vay! A nice warm, steamy shower, some soothing Dove body wash with menthol, add a good bit of almond oil over my ever-dry skin (...no towel drying allowed) and I should be golden...and able to move without undue stiffness. Welcome to my morning ritual! LOL I actually enjoy taking the extra time to take care of me. I figure I deserve the special attention.
And who knows, this being one them snow days and all, I may just pop in and add another entry a bit later on. I have been remiss in posting to my blog with all the hustle and bustle of getting my ducks in a row for the apartment. I like to think that things have settled down now. You don't think I am being too optimistic, do you? LMAO
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
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