puppet'n'stuff

OH HO HO!

2011-12-19T16:51:00.004-05:00

Decembeeeer ninteeenth...Christmas countdown is on! Okay, well, it's been on for a while. LOL

Today I have already made it to two meetings, visited with Mel's folks, ate Chinese for lunch and came home to make English toffee for gift giving.I like the idea of edible gift giving for friends. It gives me an excuse to be in the kitchen without my having to consume all the stuff I am making. That's a good equation. Plus, I get to make something special for folks which feels like the spirit of Christmas to me.

My week is pretty mellow save for Tuesday. My tomorrow has three...count'em...three doctor's appointments in it. Nothing to worry about but it does make the day crowded. I am still hoping that I can make it to my noontime meeting at QVCC. I enjoy my meetings.

Wednesday night we will have dinner with Ellen Joy and Woody. Thursday night is dinner with Dad and Sandy.

Friday noontime Ashley will arrive for the holiday weekend. I am so psyched. She hasn't really gotten to have a holiday home-style since she was 9 years old. So, Friday night we'll have stove top shepherd's pie...yummy. I use cream style corn for that instead of the old dried up, baked up version which, as you may suspect, I am not especially fond of on my plate.

I'm looking forward to Christmas Eve at Joan's. It amazes me to see the kids all grown up. Seems like just yesterday they were the little one scampering around. Now it is THEIR kids that are doing the scampering. All Joan and George's grandson's will be there I hope. It's neat to see how each one acts differently, according to their age and personality. Next year will be the first year for Joan's grand daughter. I'm guessing after 5 grandson's that the little princess will end up being spoiled a wee bit.

Well, I have now made supper, two batches of English toffee and just about finished wrapping every xmas present except for one. WooHoo! Taht feels good. Now, to relax a bit before bedtime.

Peace out!

Rip Van Winkle...and a bunch of other thangs.

2010-09-09T22:29:00.004-04:00

I don't think I have ever been so tired as I get at times as of late. What is that about? I mean it hits with a swiftness i can't comprehend and lays me flat as if Stonehenge has landed on me. I fight it. I'm not a nap taker. I do not know how to take a nap. I can sleep for hour upon hour, but those short little naps...well, I just don't get that.

My Lyme test came back negative but I have a delightful little bulls-eye on my belly and my hip wakes me up at night giving new meaning to the term in-FLAMED! I could live without knowing that ugly, ugly feeling.

My surgeon will be fixing my hernia on the 27th of the month. YIPPEE! I consider that very good news cause when that puppy hurts, that puppy really hurts. That there is an end in sight is thing of beauty. Scared? Hell no! I am absolutely excited about the prospect of taking care of business.

That, of course, is the good news. The bad news is that it is still a very bad neighborhood in my head. In meetings, folks talk about that as being behind enemy lines. Well, duh! I am my own worst enemy and worry is like some covert agent that sneaks in and gains control of the grey matter between my two ears. Now mind you, it gains control because I hand over control.

MORE MEETINGS! That's just what the doctor ordered. Well, actually, no one ordered it. Experience has taught me that when my mind is against me and doubt, fear and worry start playing their games more meetings succeed in getting me to a better place...emotionally, spiritually and mentally...no matter what else fails, more meetings work. I don't know why they work. I don't have to know why they work. I know that it works and that is good enough for me. Don't analyze, utilize!

I realized today that in the midst of life on life's terms, I am basically quite content with me and my life. The bumps in the road remind me that I am on a journey. Call it recovery or simply call it life. It can be a wild ride sometimes but it is most definitely worth it. I'm not trying to go around life today. There is only one way and that is through. Sometimes I go in kicking, screaming and leaving claw marks on things but all of it...the good, the bad and the ugly...has been worth it once I sit on the opposite shore and look back at where I have been and where I am at in the now. I am grateful that life is not always easy. That would get boring real fast.

I can certainly be my own worst enemy. Fear, doubt and insecurity plague me at times. And it is a truism that my troubles are of my own making. Fortunately today I know how to ask for help, how to get perspective and how to listen to voices other than the crazy ones in my own head. Hell, sometimes my instincts are right on these days and I can figure out what the next right thing is. Panic is not my regular default position. Hope is a phone call away or at the place where my fingertips touch the keyboard. Sometimes a deep, relaxing breath is all it takes. Sometimes a simple prayer or a quiet meditation bring me back to the present. I've learned to live Rule #62...don't take yourself so seriously.

When I don't get all caught up in my own head, I do pretty well. That is like way wicked kewl. Once upon a time, I couldn't imagine that was even a possibility. Life is very good today. MY LIFE IS VERY GOOD TODAY!

It's been a while!

2010-09-01T03:05:00.002-04:00

I woke up 'edgy' with 3:00 AM staring me in the face. UGH! Nuked some water for a Sleepy Time tea and made a PB&J sandwich. So, I figure a bit of writing and I will be ready to get back to the task of getting me some shut-eye. Let's see how that works out. LOL

Edgy. Well, at least I'm not downright anxious. It sucks to wake up in the middle of the night in the midst of an anxiety attack. Been there, done that. EWWWW! Let's just say, not my idea of a good time.

Then I am reminded of my dance with the psychotropic medication Seroquel. OMFG!!! So, I tell the shrink at the time I had had two...count them...two anxiety attacks in a 2-3 month period. I didn't want to be medicated, just wanted to keep him in the loop. Silly me thinking that was the right thing to do. He wants to prescribe Klonopin or Ativan or some such. I can't remember exactly what it was cause he said "X" and I heard BENZO. I explain to him, "Been there, done that, ABUSED IT!!!" He says with two years clean and sober I'm fine to take it. I DON'T THINK SO! Well then, try this Seroquel stuff...just what I need he tells me.

That little dance went something like this. FOUR DAYS! Four whole days I take the stuff...sleeping 20 hours a day with vivid, bloody, gory, grotesque nightmares and that was the good part of it. The four hours I was awake I kept wishing the Fuller Brush salesman would come knocking at my door. (Do they even do that anymore?) Well, here's the thing. I wanted one of them to knock on my door so I could drag them inside, dismember them AND THEN kill them. I would have settled for the Jehovah Witnesses I suppose. I just really wanted to hurt people.

When I am thinking crazy and I know it...it's pretty damn serious and pretty damn dramatic. Usually my crazy slips past me and I have to depend on others to explain the situation to me. Sooo, I call this quack up and he tells me that its not the medication, keep taking it I'm just having a psychotic break...and that's the end of it. HUH? Who the hell tells someone they are having a psychotic break, keep taking your meds and have a nice day? WTF...and am I the only one who should be medicated here?

I stopped taking the Seroquel against medical advice. I was scaring me with the breadth and depth of my state of mind, a state of absolute madness unparalleled with any other time in my life. By that point I was staying away from people, not that four whole hours of life was really a lot of time for human interaction anyway. A few days later, I felt a world of difference in my unscrambled brain. Voila! Problem solved. I no longer was having those violently bloody dreams. I was no longer agitated and just waiting for the opportunity to act out on that agitation. I was my reasonably socially acceptable self again, fit for human company and all.

Now this guy reassured me that it absolutely, positively was not a reaction to the medication but it was just a psychotic break. Have you ever had anyone casually mention that you just had a psychotic break? It was absolutely surreal. HELLO! Never had one of those before, so let's maybe explore this? Let's maybe not talk like I just had a freaking hangnail? Apparently there was no empirical evidence to suggest that this medication would cause this sort of reaction in any of the research even though my experiential evidence told me otherwise. I was totally and thoroughly dismissed.

This is the only time in sobriety that I went off a medication against medical advice. I'm glad I did. Even though I know many who have and are taking this drug with no ill effect...I'm not one of them. The experience paid off though. This guy's eagerness to push benzos on me alerted me to the fact that he had no business ministering to this addict.

Shortly thereafter I found another med provider, one whom I had a rapport with which served me well. We talked about my experience with Seroquel. She told me that though there was no empirical evidence available in the research there was anecdotal evidence to support my experience with the drug. It wasn't a psychotic break, she said, it was an adverse reaction to a medication. Then she advised me to put Seroquel on my allergy list. And believe you me, it's right there on the top of that list!

Funny thing (sic) is that I don't believe that side effect is listed on the adverse reactions for that medication still. It's been 5 years since my "Days of Seroquel Hell."

Odd that a little 'edginess' can trigger all that thinking, huh? Not really. When I woke up, Mel was lightly snoring next to me. It wasn't all that long ago that I realized she had changed back to the Mel I knew and loved. I think it was one of the medications she had been on that triggered all the wild thoughts that were triggering her crazy. Why do I think that? Well, since she's been off that one particular drug, she hasn't been as hostile, belligerent and confrontational. What a difference a med makes! Why the hell don't doctors know that?

Well, today I am grateful. My med provider listens to me and that makes a world of difference. I don't have to put up with those nincompoops who dismiss my experiences with a drug simply because they are convinced I'm just a crazy and couldn't possibly have anything valuable to contribute to my treatment process. Life is good and I am about finished with my cup of chamomile which is just about right cause I am getting wery, wery sleepy....

I keep getting these emails...

2010-05-26T08:51:00.002-04:00

I've gotten some really raucous emails lately concerning immigration. It's somewhat understandable with the new law in Arizona and the climate of paranoia prevalent in the United States of America today. Still, it is disconcerting. It leaves me wondering about the nature of the American Dream and how we market it to the world. We push our standards and values on others as if they were the best and only values worth anything on the whole damn planet then we wonder why they would go to any length to live here. We fill ourselves with outrage at their unwavering desire to be a part of us after we have implanted that very yearning in their hearts. That is very odd indeed.

Generally speaking, I don't believe that Mexican citizens want to come to America to take advantage of our welfare system. They don't want good enough. They want to live the American dream. They want the American dream for their children. When I lived in Kansas, in my college years, I met a couple of fellows who came here to work. They lived sparsely so they could send money home. They worked in the local meat packing plant. I worked in that plant on the sanitation crew for a short while, mainly because the job offended my American sensibilities. They worked many 12 hour days and took odd jobs on weekends. The two shared an apartment hoping to save enough to go back home and live with their families for a while before having to come back to America to work yet again. See, there were no jobs to be had back home. What else was a father and a husband to do?

I think about them when the topic of undocumented workers come up. Then I think about my family history and I look at current immigration standards. What would you do as a young father and husband in their place, in the place of the many who cross the border illegally every day? What lengths would you go to so that you could insure a decent future for your family?

I am not saying that open borders would be a good solution. But I can't say that I believe we have a decent, humane system in place right now. I don't know what a positive resolution to this situation would be. However, there are some things that I do know.

When my great grandparents came into this country at the turn of the 20th century, they had no special job skills. My great grandmother was fleeing the potato famine that had hit the poor in Ireland hard. Two of my great grandfathers came here from Canada to work. They were common folk. They found jobs in local factories, the factories that were full out producing American made goods at that time. We all know those factory jobs are gone though the demand for unskilled labor remains in other areas...domestic, agriculture, horticulture, etc. The difference is that when my great grandparents came it was not a long and expensive process to gain admittance to the United States of America. It wasn't a process that all but excluded unskilled laborers. America was really the land of opportunity where an illiterate immigrant could dream the American dream for the next generation of his/her kin. The opportunity and the dream no longer exist. We welcome immigrants...doctors, lawyers, scientists and all sorts of other professionals. The unskilled laborer dreaming of a better life for the next generation has been squeezed out of the process. I believe it is the unskilled immigrant laborer that made America great. It was their hunger for and their enthusiasm in pursuing the American dream that spurred on a nation. Perhaps it is not unlike the enthusiasm American youth display in dreaming of being the president some day. It exhibits hope, ambition and a drive to succeed that replenish national spirit and propel us forward to a better and brighter future.

My question is not, "Why do they insist on coming?" My question is, "Why don't we recognize the potential national treasure we are disregarding?" I can't help but wonder what we would have lost if immigration was as selective when my great-grandparents came to this great country of ours as it is now. What is so wrong with being common folk in a nation founded on the principle that "all men are created equal?" We have lost something very American in this process of selectively seeking the "right kind" of immigrant. Most of all, we have lost the ability to see what positive contributions can be made by those who will go to the most extreme measures to ensure a better future for their children. I suspect we have lost the hunger for the American dream, so secure in living it, that our distaste for those who still possess that gnawing hunger sickens us.

~s

MANIA 101...well, hypomania 101

2010-03-12T14:50:00.002-05:00

I bought one of those expandable book thingamobobbers for the top of the fridge to put my cookbooks in. It was practical. The bookends keep moving sending a cascade of books downward. This has scared the tar out of the cats on more than one occasion now.

So, I start putting the book thing in place and the insulated carafe plummets to the floor dislodgine a magnet along the way. Well, I was working on the top of the fridge so I figure it can wait, right?

Finally, I get all the cookbooks set up in their new home. Voila! (Yes, I took French in high school.)

I get down to try to retrieve the carafe that has fallen behind the bakers rack when I remember we need a couple of nuts for the bakers rack sooooooo, I grabbed my gadget box. You probably have one too. It's that place where you put all your gadgets, gizmos, screws, nuts, bolts and whatnots until there is a need for them. Yuppers! I got me one of those too!

Well, I only had one nut...not the three that I needed to fix the rack up right. But wait, while I was in the magical gizmo box low and behold, I notice that I have the child safe locks for the cabinets. We don't have kids mind you. What we have are two Siamese cats that insist on getting in the cupboards and waltzing around on my pots and pans. GRRRRR! Sooooo, I set about installing the child safe locks under the kitchen sink. The first one goes on easy...and I don't have to add the second piece cause someone left that from the before time (before we lived here). The other side had the catch piece so I figure all I have to do is screw in the lever piece and I am good to go, right? Wrong! The holes were not lined up for the thing to work! DOUBLE GRRRRR!

Finally, I have success. Those feisty cats will not be getting into the cupboard under the sink any longer and with any luck they won't figure out that they can get into the same space via the other cabinets. Of course, they are smart. I suspect it will come to that sooner or later. For now my pots, pans and bakeware are safe from the cat paws (and god only knows what they stepped in, on or about) invasion.

Now, I've noticed that the gadget box is in disarray. parts are loose on the bottom and my system for sorting and separating leaves much to be desired. I got right to work on that with great efficiency. Woo Hoo!!! Task completed.

The only problem areas of the whole production are that the gadget box is on the counter still, the carafe is still trapped behind the bakers rack, I have a stray magnet and some tools on my stove and my mind is already racing onto several other projects. I want to race to the hardware and get those bolts for the rack AND some hinges for an entirely different project.

I do concede that this level of mania does make me very productive. However, there is a down side as well. There are really only 24 hours in my day too!

I WILL BE ORGANIZED.

I WILL BE ORGANIZED.

I WILL BE ORGANIZED.

I MUST PUT THINGS AWAY! I MUST TEND TO THE DISORDER IN THE KITCHEN!

RECAP...CLARIFY...PLAN OF ACTION

2010-02-22T04:43:00.003-05:00

For most of the world 4:44 AM is the middle of the night. For me, it is the middle of my pain...yet again. I took an Ultram a little after 3 AM and it has kicked it down a notch but the uncomfortableness and the sleeplessness abound. I was lying in bed thinking and since my thinking (especially when I am like this) is an oxymoron, I thought I would get up and put it in 'writing' to help me clarify some things.

This pain is getting really old. It seems to be related to my monthly cycle. I suppose I should be grateful that for most of my life I haven't been troubled by pain during my period. I can actually count on one hand the number of times I've ever had cramps...well, up to the point that this all started and I don't know that I would classify this as cramps.

I feel tired and washed out, yet restless with just an annoying amount of insomnia. Nice touch, eh? With the Ultram in my system, the feeling in my groin area is nothing short of weird...and my right shoulder and arm hurt too. Those two things seem to coincide a lot though I don't think they are related but I aint no doctor.

Last Wednesday and Thursday were rough days...physically, emotionally and socially. I had started on Tuesday and was flowing like the mighty Mississippi (an overnight pad every hour or two). I guess it is little wonder that I felt, and still feel wiped out physically. I mean, on top of being anemic to begin with, losing blood like that is bound to do a body bad.

I was edgy, irritable and emotional Wednesday, Thursday and Friday...and I knew it, was aware of it for the most part. So I went about my business like nothing was wrong with me adding more stress to the mix. That wasn't so bright to say the least! I was impatient and frustrated before I picked up the phone to make all those lovely calls where one is traditionally put on hold and otherwise challenged. Whatever was I thinking? Oh yeah, I wasn't doing that whole thinking thing so well.

Thursday at my doctor's office I felt myself escalating emotionally. Oh hell, escalating emotionally doesn't really describe it. I was on an emotional rocket bound for the outer edges of the galaxy when I realized where I was at emotionally. I did not make it out of their in an exactly graceful manner but I did make it out of there.

I spent Thursday afternoon and Friday doing a little thing I like to call hibernating. It's something that I have to do at times. Some have suggested it is akin to isolating, but I don't see it that way.

I was in overload mode. But it is more than that. There are times when dealing with the world is just too much. It becomes almost physically painful to be in social situations. I can't really describe it to others except to liken it to the physical reaction of my eyes to too much sunlight. If you are photosensitive then you know what I mean. The sensation is not really dissimilar.

Thursday afternoon I spent in my bowl chair with a blanket over my head and a cat and dog on my lap. Why the blanket over my head you ask? Well, I was in the middle of what I call my dry migraine. Now you are wondering what the hell that is, aren't you? It is my way of describing a state where I have my migraine symptoms minus the headache...hypersensitivity to light, sound, smells, touch while physically feeling like a rung out dish rag while my brain is incapable of holding two thoughts together. My first 'dry migraine' happened some time in my twenties, maybe before. I might not have known what to call them before that cause I wasn't diagnosed with migraines till then. With a dry migraine, unlike a traditional migraine, sleep is hard to find.

I have been getting a lot of headaches lately but since I am anemic and headaches can be a symptom of anemia, I discounted them as something I would have to put up with until my iron level came up a tad. I did get some relief when I switched from my new glasses back to my last pair of prescription glasses. For a while that helped though some days I notice that these glasses aren't quite up to par. Then again, on most days they seem to be exactly the strength I need.

My opthamologist had told me to wait at least six months after my surgery to get my eyes checked as eyesight was known to change after the surgery. I waited over 8 months. I suspect the thing to do is call and make an appointment to find out what the hell is going on with my peepers. UGH! After Thursday's debacle, I really don't want to see another medical professional...EVER!

And, I probably need to find another primary...not because I was an ass during my visit with my primary (but I was). The system at Generations is that a patient can only discuss ONE thing at a time with their doctor. More things = more visits. Lacking a medical degree, I have no basis upon which to figure out what symptoms/issues are related and therefore should be discussed at any given appointment. There are things that I keep putting off cause of the 'one thing only' rule.

The short list goes like this:

1) That mole that used be clear but is now brown...

2) My right shoulder, elbow, arm pain that has reduced my range of motion...

3) The stiffness on waking or after I sit too long that makes it difficult to get going...

4) My face and lips are frequently puffy and swollen in the morning...

5) Where my shins are sensitive to touch (shaving is painful) but don't hurt otherwise...

6) Thursday we discussed the sores on my tongue (two types) not the refill for the Ultram that I needed for the groin pain. I took my last Ultram at 3:11 AM this morning instead of taking 800 mg of ibuprofen on an empty stomach.

And in addition to the medical stuff, I have other business type matters to take care of. I asked my case manager at United Services for help. I knew that I was too stressed to tackle it all on my own. I am my own worst enemy AND my big mouth is not my friend, not your friend...hell, mostly it just aint friendly when I am stressed. Her advice to me was to keep doing what I am doing, keep making those phone calls and give her a call if I need to talk. WELL, THANKS FOR NOTHING! And I have therapist if I need to talk and lots of sober and sane people to vent to. I'm not sure how helpful having a case manager is. What exactly do they do again?

So I am working on a multifaceted strategy that goes something like this:

A) I will limit my business/professional type calls and appointments to one a day to help me manage my stress levels. Too much time on hold or dealing with bureaucrats does not bring out the best in me.

B) I will enlist the aid of friends to sit with me when I make those calls or have to attend those appointments so I am not left solely to my own devices.

C) I will NOT go to medical appointments alone.

D) I will make lists for my doctor's appointments.

E) I will make a list of 'things to do' and prioritize that list so I do not put my self in more than one stress inducing situation on any given day.

F) I will try to take care of 'business' in the morning when I am at my best mentally, emotionally and physically.

G) Before proceeding with any 'business' I will do a spot check inventory of my emotional state and try to realistically appraise whether I should even consider proceeding.

H) I will start a journal of my emotional/physical states so that I can document where I am at, changes, etc. and try to use it to identify patterns and triggers.

I) I will come up with an exit strategy to be used in those times when I feel myself escalate emotionally (that I can practice) so I use it to get myself out of difficult5 situations as the need arises.

I feel inadequate for having to do all this. I feel like I have failed in some large measure. I expect that I should just be able to handle life like the 'rest of the world' but I am not the rest of the world. I have bipolar disorder. I am frequently outmatched at life. My moods and emotions overwhelm me at times. I have to have a solid, workable plan cause left to my own devices I will get swept up in a tidal wave of emotions and carried out to sea. I have to think things out in advance because when I escalate emotionally rational thought is lost to me. I hate losing control like that. I don't like the consequences to those around me...or to me for that matter. Pretending it doesn't happen is NOT a viable option. I know it happens. The most logical and reasonable course of action is accept it and work with the assets that I do have to offset the liabilities that I possess. I don't have to like...I just have to do it!

Well, that's my story and I am sticking to it! I may amend the process set down here as time goes on, but I think it is a good starting point, a decent strategy. I will tweak it as necessary and do welcome any suggestions to that end.

2010-01-15T11:43:00.002-05:00

I'm still tired and the headaches persist but I do manage to get done most of what I want to get done. That is indeed a blessing!

I have to run a few errands this afternoon...unless I hear from Miss Linda about visiting Sue in Hartford. They did a biopsy when they put the stent in her pancreas and found cancer. If they are letting her out today we probably won't visit but there is no word as of yet. DOCTORS! See, it's not just mine that are like that. Please keep Sue in your prayers.

I am going to check at TJ Maxx fro some flavored decaf coffees. They have a lovely selection when they get them in. Shhh! Don't tell too many people or my supply may get seriously depleted rather quickly. Hell,I'd even go to the regular retailer for those coffees IF I only knew who the regular retailers are. I suppose I could track them down but shopping at TJ's for them makes it more of a sport to get there when there is a new supply come in. So today, the game is afoot! LOL

I have to get some boxes. Friends have lots of suggestions for me. I hear tell a couple of the box companies in Putnam will give up boxes...irregulars/ and printing errors I am guessing. Now to get up there! There are some tasks for which the transit bus is really not especially conducive. Schlepping loads of cardboard being one of those things.

Mel has a test tomorrow and another on Sunday at DKH. Her MRI showed lesions and some other irregularities. They are trying to determine the nature of those lesions, etc. They could be old...from previous TBI or they could be new. The tests will hopefully tell us more. Please keep her in your prayers.

I read an article about Haiti today...the looters and the gangs. Sad. But, human nature sometimes looks like inhuman nature...(The Holocaust). It seems to me that the worst of times brings out not only the worst in people, but also the best in people...(Miep Gies). The best just doesn't make front page headlines in the paper. Why do we focus so much on the negative? Could that be human nature?

To see so many human beings left to their own devices, resorting to survival mode is sad. It does remind me that human beings are not that class above the animal kingdom...we are just another part of it. That reminds me of the book "Ishmael" which was a very good read for those of you who might be interested in such. If you have delicate religious sensibilities all wrapped up around organized religion, it will probably offend. Dare to be offended! You may have an eye opening experience. It definitely took me to new horizons.

God Bless Haiti!

Just took my multi-vite, my iron and my sublingual B-12. I am hoping today is a good day. Every two or three days I have to toss my cookies. I highly suspect it is the iron supplement. I've switched it from night time to mid day after my lunch. It says to take with food if stomach upset occurs but I gotta tell ya, offering ammo to some lunatic with an automatic weapon would be akin to doing that some days! I eat. I take my supplements. My stomach cramps up. I kneel before the porcelain princess...sometimes sooner, sometimes later! UGH!!! There are definitely better hobbies!!!

I am thinking of switching back to a chewable multivite and pulverizing my iron pill. I've discovered that chunky things don't necessarily settle well. Anyway, that's my next move if things don't settle down before I buy my next bottle of vitamins. Besides, the chewable multivite tastes pretty darn good!!!

Today I am experimenting with my old glasses. Sometimes the view from the new ones has been 'odd' to say the least. I am thinking they might be too strong and that could cause the headaches. My opthamologist had suggested I wait at least six months after surgery to get new glasses and I did. I am thinking that perhaps the 8 months I waited was not long enough for my eyes to adjust to where they are at now. I'm not sure what weight loss has to do with eyesight but I suspect whatever it is, I got blindsided (pun intended) by it. I'll try to remember to post about how this works out.

Ah well, things to do, places to go, people to annoy. You know me. I gotta be up to something all the time. Have a good one!

I wish cast iron was palatable!!!

2010-01-03T21:03:00.002-05:00

I have been so tired for so long. I'd love to have energy again. I'd love to wake up anything but still tired. I'd love to NOT have a pounding, throbbing, annoying, 'please make it go away' headache every day, all day long. I'd love to rip off someone's head and shit down their neck...just for fun but I don't have the energy. Now that's misery!

What's the best way to serve cast iron? Does anyone have an iron flavored crow bar I can suck on?

Even though I am irritable as all get up I wouldn't consider spitting nails cause if I had iron in my mouth I'd be wanting to hold onto it.

I am zapped. I am wiped out. I am so very tired of being so very tired. I have 0 energy...zilch, nada, none!!!

There are things I want to do. I just can't get'em done. I just can't get there from here. It's maddening! It's frustrating! It's pissing me off...ROYALLY!!!

Reading is taxing my physical limitations. It is hard to watch TV with my eyes open. I get hungry but it's so much effort to cook. Hell, getting my cereal fixed in the morning is too much to do sometimes. Caffeine makes me more irritable but does nothing for my energy level or my alertness.

Writing is so hard. Typing aint the worst of it. It's that trying to figure out what I want to say and how to say it to make sense.

I watch my favorite TV shows hoping that they will be over soon so I can just close my eyes. I go to meetings and they seem to drag as if time is standing still.

I want to do so much but I feel like I am molasses trying to climb uphill at twenty below. It's fighting me. I feel like I am losing the battle without any real fight from within me.

It's bedtime for this Bonzo. I'm gonna wrap myself up in between warm blankets and surrender to sleep. I'm too exhausted to fight it anymore. Tomorrow is another day, another battle, just more of the same till the iron level kicks it up a notch.

Can I have barbecue sauce with that cast iron skillet?

OMG WHAT HAPPENED to 2009???

2009-12-31T09:39:00.002-05:00

It's New Year's Eve already! Who'da thunk it?

Well, busy day today. I need to touch base with the new landlord and drop off part of the deposit. Oh my! I haven't made the official announcement here yet. I'm moving...I mean, we're moving! Mel and I are moving to a lovely apartment on Lewis Boulevard in Danielson. It's a second floor apartment with beautiful hardwood floors and lots of charm! This place is really quite the find!!! (BTW, thank you Annie for the tip.)

Dennis, the new landlord is very attentive to his property. That's a big plus in my book. I've always been blessed with good landlords but I hear horror stories from friends who have not been so blessed and I shudder.

Midday I will hit a meeting...because I can. While somewhere in all this I shall try to get to Price Chopper to pick up some soda for the Alkathon. Need a sober place to spend the holiday? Come on down...from 6 PM tonight until 6 PM tomorrow there will be AA meetings, food, folks and fellowship! NOW THAT'S A PROPER PARTY!

The crew will be getting to St. Mary's Church in Putnam for 3 PM today to set up. Wanna join us? We'd love to see ya there. It's always a great time!!! Come for a little bit or come and stay the whole time. It's all good AND it's all sober!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Then tomorrow night, New Year's Day night that is...there is a sober AA Dance at St. Mary's in Putnam from 8 PM to midnight. There will be a DJ (the guy from the Sober Cruise) and more food, folks and fun! It's so much better to celebrate with high spirits instead of high on spirits! REALLY!!!

I don't know how late I will be staying at the Alkathon. I woke up tired this morning. My low-iron thang is really starting to get to me. Of course, a nap is out of the question. I don't do those 20 minute power naps folks...I sleep for hours! Then my sleep cycle is disrupted and I miss half my day. (AND NO ONE WANTS TO SEE SUE WHEN HER SLEEP CYCLE IS WAY OFF...CAN YOU SAY MANIC?) Besides, I have lots to do before 3 PM. Sleep is NOT part of my equation. Still, it is nice to be busy, to have purpose and direction, to fall asleep because I am actually tired.

RE: The Eight Year Old Boy in Taunton, MA

2009-12-16T09:43:00.000-05:00

http://www.norwichbulletin.com/bizarre/x1903566705/Second-grader-suspended-over-drawing-of-Jesus

It is an indictment of the times in which we live that a simple drawing by an eight year old can cause such consternation.

Perhaps the standards in our post-Columbine world are such that anything perceived as questionable/violent requires careful review. I wonder why the Taunton school system doesn't have a psychologist on staff AND available for such incidents. Wouldn't it have been less drama to simple ask the child if he could explain his drawing to the "nice person (professional) who would like to know more about it?" Why make such a big deal? And, if the school felt the child had an issue (i.e., special need) isn't the SYSTEM responsible for any expenses related to that (i.e., the psych eval)?

Catholics and Episcopalians display crucifixes, which the majority of Protestant denominations do not find to their spiritual liking. Both sides are, of course, correct. It is what has meaning to you that counts. Christians are taught that Christ died for them...in their place. Is this a simple matter of cultural ignorance gone awry? Is this the result of the skewed interpretation of an eight year old?

I saw a follow up that this was NOT the actual picture and that the assignment was not to draw a Christmas picture. Well, I can see how that went down, can't you? School officials are unduly alarmed given our current social climate and send the kid home till an evaluation can be done on him. The parents ask the kid, "what the hell happened" and he says "I had to draw a Christmas picture" and he goes and draws a picture similar to what he drew in school. Perhaps the teacher asked for a picture of the season which to a Christian is NOT a request for a snow-filled scene of some sort. Adults play with semantics all the time...an eight year old isn't qualified to play those games.The kid in his understanding of "Jesus was born to die for your sins" puts himself on the cross so that the God he has been taught to love does not have to die for him. Had this been another time (say the 1950's) or another place (a faith-based school) the child would have received accolades for his generosity of spirit to offer himself so Jesus wouldn't have to die for him.

Bottom line...there will always be CHRIST in our public educational system as long as CHRISTIANS send their kids to public schools. And as long as Muslims, Jews, atheists, etc. continue to send their children to public school the diversity will be maddening at times as we try to grapple with what this means to us as a society.

The Christmas Spirit

2009-12-10T12:20:00.003-05:00

I've had folks say, "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays" to me. I don't mind either rendition of sincere wishes from a friend or a stranger's heart. It's not the words. When the spirit of the season shines through in what is spoken, then there is no wrong way to say it. When "Merry Christmas" is spoken grudgingly or by rote, then there is little spirit and little meaning that shines through. Why bother?

I keep hearing about service to others. Well, it is the twelfth month and therefore, the twelfth step is a common discussion topic at meetings. I like that about December. I like talking about the gifts that don't get put under the tree, those gifts that don't get wrapped and commercialized. The spirit of giving that prevails for this one solitary month in our culture is astounding. I wish it stayed on for the rest of the year. Yet, I do see evidence of it all around, all the time.

I see evidence on Freecycle.org of people offering to others, freely, with no strings attached. There is a wonderful generosity of spirit that lives in cyberspace yet exhibits itself locally. What a concept!

I see the spirit of giving in the 'Toys for Tots' program and the local food pantries and the Council of Churches help with heating fund. I see the willingness to be part of a larger whole in the scouts and the 4-H and the Rotary and the Lions who all do their part to build community. Volunteers offer service at schools and libraries and hospitals. There are foster parents and foster grandparents and mentors and people reaching out to others in so many ways, one generation helping and guiding the next. Churches, synagogues and mosques build bridges of hope and faith and unity to create a brighter tomorrow.

This week I received several prayers in my email...and then I shared them with others as well. I prayed for some friends and family and even complete strangers. I spent a few moments marvelling a the softly fallen snow as it blanketed a stormy December morning and experienced the awe of nature's ways.

I see kids rushing to line up to visit with Santa, full of the wonder and innocence of youth. I see the older folks slowly shuffling along, enjoying the scenery as they have come to appreciated the wisdom of taking life easy that comes with experience. Then there are those somewhere between the impetuousness of youth and the serenity of old age who seem to scurry along in a frenzy in one moment only to slow down and enjoy a leisurely pace in the next...caught between those worlds.

Christmas tunes abound on the radio sending a message of comfort and joy. The world soaks up the spirit of the season. It is a kinder, gentler time of year. The cold has not settled into our hearts but rather we are warmed by faith and love and family.

Madison Avenue steps in to insist we have to give 'more' and get 'more.' The advertising industry tries to sell us a bill of inferior, commercially produced goods. We resist, weakly and ineffectually. We often times give in while feeling the void, empty feeling that comes with their agenda. Then, we buck up and let the season take us where it may. We pick up the phone and connect with loved ones. We laugh and cry and share our memories of Christmas past. We remember loved ones who are gone and cherish those who are still here.

I hear folks speak of tough economic times, of getting back to basics, of a lean gift-giving season. Then I hear about family traditions and holiday get-togethers, about love, laughter and joys. I listen to the lessons of bonding and binding ourselves the people we hold dear and to the principles that are important to us. There's nothing missing here.

Perhaps the economy won't be stimulated in the way big business would like to see. But, hearts are being stimulated, rejuvenated and healed. People may or may not be coming to the malls, but, we are coming together. We're discovering that it is not what is under the tree that is set up in our house but rather it is the spirit in the home that makes it Christmas. When that spirit travels with us into the world, as we work and play and live our lives, then and only then, does the spirit of Christmas truly live. Only then can I truly experience that spirit of loving-kindness, of giving, of hope and of fellowship with other people.

I wish for all my family and friends the spirit of Christmas, not for this single month, but for always. I wish for this season to touch hearts and minds and to heal the souls of all who have lost their way in a busy world gone awry. I cannot wrap this gift and place it under anyone's tree. What I can do is live this Spirit of Christmas that I may keep it alive to give it away. I cannot hold onto it. I must offer it to others. Then indeed, it becomes the gift that keeps on giving.

Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! May the joy of this season reside in you, guide you and console you and provide you a path for your journey in the coming year.

The Battle of Again

2009-11-30T22:16:00.003-05:00

The past is etched in the fire and brimstone of hell
Forming a story that I do not regret, though I know it well.
It wreaks havoc within the here and now sublime.
There is no holy nor unholy way to uncarve time,
To change what has been written in history's noble posts.
In my youth, they said the past had a haunting potential to create future ghosts.
I had no idea the truth of that platitude inscribed upon a tender heart,
No intention of finishing what I did not start.
Yesterday a mighty fortress imprisons, holding sweet emotion hostage again.
I am subdued, defeated, a pawn in the game of what has already been.
There is no fight to fight, no battle a fair struggle could ever win.
All the king's horses and all the king's men won't let me live those days again.
A war of vicious, malevolent words silently screams to be wildly spoken
At the untethered tearing of frail human bonds we have broken
While not a vile breath is whispered past lips that are pursed
With the empty abyss between us, there's no need to make worse.
The votes are in and the tally duly counted up right.
My spirit protests with every shattered bit of its might
Though the scorecard says I have completely lost the fight.
Surrendered to slumber to wait the dawning of the morning light.
In the 'Battle of Again' there's no champion ever to come forth
Save for the candle that lures in the unsuspecting flitting moth.

The Wonder of You

2009-11-20T13:29:00.000-05:00

You are the dawning of the day and the setting of the sun.
Your manifest in so many ways, though you are the One.
It is Your gentle hand that lovingly guides me on my way.
Your spirit resides within me whenever I come to pray,
But more than this, You walk beside me each and every day.

You bestow such blessings upon me, both great and small,
With such loving abundance, I cannot even count them all.
I rejoice and I am grateful for You who bring me through,
For all things made known to me and the unseen that You do.
You are my God, my Savior, and my forever faithful friend,
My staunchest ally who is with me to the very end.

Your love for me is unfaltering, yet sometimes I doubt,
While You patiently wait for me to figure these things out.
You are the questions that I ask and the answers that I seek.
You are the font of strength I draw upon, for I am weak.

Thank You Lord, for Your saving grace on which I depend,
For all that You offer me, the abundant lessons that You send.

Thank You for the vision to see Your presence all around
And thank You especially for Your peace that I have found
Among a cornucopia of blessings with which my life abounds.

How 'bout spiritual correctness?

2009-11-19T17:37:00.002-05:00

It's that time of year again when my INBOX collects diatribes on the "Merry Christmas" debate.

When I see those emails I am reminded of a time in this country when one said, "Season's Greetings," or perhaps, "Happy Holidays," not because it was politically correct but rather, just because. There was no hidden agenda. People just spoke from the heart of good tidings to their neighbors and even to strangers on the street. Funny how it is now so controversial, something that was said for so long with no intent to discount Christmas. Rather it was a general greeting inclusive of all the winter holidays...Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years...not meant to be exclusive of Christmas...not meant to be inclusive in a culturally diverse way...just a pleasant way of wishing folks well.

It leaves me with a certain sadness. It's not a sadness because we can't mention Christmas even. It is a sadness that even in wishing others well it has become so necessary to choose one's words so carefully. Then I think how often I've heard someone sneeze in the recent past and folks have said either, "Bless you," or "God bless you," without thinking twice.

What's wrong with just accepting good wishes from our fellows and just leaving it at that? It'd be nice if we could just say what was in our heart when addressing folks. It'd be nice if folks accepted well-wishes in the spirit of being given something of intrinsic value.

I think I shall continue to say whatever comes to mind first when I greet people this holiday season. Some times it will be "Season's Greetings," or "Happy Holidays," and other times it will be "Merry Christmas." I think it is most important that what I say be genuine. It's not the exact words that matter cause if the words, whatever they be, are not in the spirit of the season, then I've really given nothing.

Then again, maybe I just think too much!

this'n'that

2009-11-16T20:22:00.002-05:00

Last night I saw the most beautiful sunset. I looked up from my computer and noticed the light show on the horizon. It was absolutely phenomenal! I couldn't believe it. The color was so deeply rich and amazingly full, exploding on the skyline. Mother nature sure can make quite the statement when she sets her mind to it!!!

Then this morning I woke up in unbelievable pain. OMG! I took two Ultram and just stayed put...didn't get out of bed until almost 11 AM. Even with the pain meds, I couldn't move well. I took my second dose of meds around supper time. Yet, I am still not able to stand upright. I can walk hunched over in kind of a hobbling sort of way.

I've been through so many tests...the CT scan (abdominal and pelvic), ultrasound (including transvaginal..UGH!), GI series, pap smear, x-rays, blood work not to mention being poked, prodded and examined by a gaggle of medical professionals on numerous occasions. I am really sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm not sure what else to do.

I think it is worse right now cause I am late with my period. I should have started at the beginning of the month. So, today I am gifted with groin pain...on both sides mind you...not to mention burning, crampy pain going across my lower abdomen accompanied by back cramps. I hate my ovaries. REALLY!!! Whatever else is going on with this groin thing, my cycle is so not making things any better.

I am emotionally and physically exhausted. The anemia doesn't help. The only medication I can get causes serious constipation...which I cannot handle with the groin thing. The constipation makes my pain go through the roof. So I am not taking any iron right now. I was on Pruvate for the anemia and that was working without the constipation issue but now the pharmacy says they can only get SeVate, which is another generic that is equivalent. I beg to differ on the whole equivalency thing. Not being able to function cause the medicine causes constipation that causes pain that requires medication that also causes constipation is INSANITY, ABSOLUTE INSANITY! When I get to that point it is too painful to even TRY to have a bowel movement.

So, I have dozed on and off all day on the couch, with a heating pad on my lower back and another one across my lower abdomen while taking Ultram and existinging somewhere between hoping that I don't have to have another bowel movement today and praying that I do have another one that's gonna be the one that makes the pain dissipate.

I am not happy that I missed out on a beautiful day. I would have liked to go about my ordinary business of living. Convalescing sucks! And, I am sick and tired of doing it!!! Alas, the choice is not mine. And, the cramps are back and the groin pain is getting too intense...time to go hang with my heating pads. Being tethered to the wall is not a lot of fun but I am not as uncomfortable that way. I am going back to my couch...which is where I have been all day long...very, very long day.

Yuppers! It's time to plop down, plug-in and pass out...AGAIN!!!

WITH YOU

2009-11-11T23:24:00.001-05:00

With you, the tic-toc of the clock takes on a whole new meaning.
Hours pass like seconds while time stands relentlessly still.
The love of a life happens in a single, sure beat of my heart
As forever whispers softly with every earthly breath I take.
Tomorrow and yesterday fade from shades of gray to black
While the eternal now consumes one moment of our lives together
Being with you, in our love, has shown me a glimpse of heaven.
As God's hourglass etches passing grains of sand upon my soul
In your presence, there is a timelessness that makes me whole.
This kindred spirit rejoices outside the bounds of time and space
Unending passion began within a magnificent God's bountiful grace.

Undrifted

2009-11-11T05:06:00.003-05:00

Melancholy is the mysterious mayhem of midnight's madness
As slumber hides in recesses of unrelenting wakefulness.
Toss to turn tired tempted thoughts into this abysmal abyss.
Seek the sweet surrender to sleep's most serene bliss.
To drift,
Oh to waft...
Yes to float away on a river of dreaming world amiss
And to wander upon a state of illusion that simply is.
Wakefulness leads an over-weary head to wish for this.

To Dance A Wild Dream

2009-11-11T03:59:00.004-05:00

Lay peaceful upon pillow's welcome rest
Between comfort of warm blankets
Upon slumbers chaotic breast.

Drift off to the disharmonious whirl of Id
Where subconcious ideation is openly hid
Nothing I've done is anything I did.

Beat pounds with grace in mind uncontrolled
With memory mixed with madness extolled
Insanity sashays delicate, yet bold.

Rhythm of unreality, elusive, so sweet
Has me whirling and twirling complete,
Victory be mine in this utter defeat.

There is no rhyme nor reason to extoll
My unfurled mind incomplete while whole
Dark, dancing images have gained control.

Will fancy take me to some place of delight,
Or to the hallowed recesses of untold fright,
What wild dreams will I dance with tonight?

THREE A.M.

2009-11-11T03:45:00.002-05:00

Three A.M. and my butts out of bed,
What the hell is wrong with my head?

Well, it's not my head but my belly instead
Got that sensation that I've come to dread.

My gut's a rumbling and carrying on,
I wish this feeling would just be gone.

Wrapped in a blanket, pillow cuddled up to
Is something I'd really like to do.

Ah, to close my weary eyes for just a few.
What the hell am I gonna do?

Wish I could drift away to some dream state
But pain's priority, sleep will wait.

Want to bang my head against the wall
Let my brain into unconsciousness fall.

Alas, my neighbors are sound asleep
So I type and type without making a peep.

It's three A.M., no one to dial up at all
I sit at my keyboard awaiting slumber's call.

Yet I know when it's time to hit the hay again
It will still be about the pain that I'm in.

Frustration tangos in my disharmonious thoughts
With disconternations I seem to be fraught.
Slumber elusive, no matter that it's sought.

Warm Hearts, Warm Homes

2009-11-07T22:44:00.002-05:00

So I decide to NOT go to the concert at the Westfield Congregational Church tonight. I gather up my jammies and start to drawn a bath. Well, 1 1/2 inches of water and it starts coming out freaking cold! UGH!

So what do I do? Hey! I can take a hint, a.k.a., a nudge from above. I get out of the frigid waters and toss on some clothes...AND AWAY I GO! I hiked down to the church...got there early even. It was nice. I got to talk with Bethany for a while before the event and Kelly afterwards. I was surprised to find Bethany in charge of the reception and my buddies Kelly and Joe in the show.

Anyway, I just got back from the "Warm Hearts, Warm Homes" concert. I am so glad that I went!!! I heard some beautiful music that touched me deeply and had some laughs thanks to a couple of 'runaway nuns' and Killingly-Brooklyn's own sit down comic. What a nice down home evening.

I would have loved to see more folks there. It was for a good cause. The interfaith group was raising money to help needy folks with their heat this winter. It was lovely to see the young and the old together in community, in the interest of helping. My heart is indeed much warmer for the experience!

puzzle

2009-11-06T21:50:00.002-05:00

Scattered pieces marching to mayhems tune
as a shattered bland landscape
that confounds the ordered faculties.

Bypassed bits and perplexing pieces
threatening to go their diverse ways
carelessly travelling without a map.

Unable to come together in due time
apart and separate one from another
cohesive theory does not exist.

Yet designed to be united in a whole,
a vision of concrete human imaginings
complete upon a cardboard canvas.

sandbox

2009-11-06T20:57:00.002-05:00

Gritty world of limited time and space
The simple purview, that youthful place.
Not merely dirt but landscape too.
A small place apart for you.
Special arena where fantasy will do.
Like childhood through the hourglass
Silicone memories continue to pass.
Sculpted impermanent in a fluid medium
Change is the inevitable outcome.
Then one lonely day, the prince and princess
Come not hither for their grimy process.
They are grown, all gone and away,
So the sandbox idles till another day,
When another royal clan digs in deep
On the day they come to play for keeps.

What is this thing?

2009-11-06T20:35:00.002-05:00

A wildly passionate chariot ride drawn by a reckless heart blazing across mystical skies beyond the speed of conscious thought.

Thinking fantastical imaginings of most fanciful dreams that are bursting with the hope that dares to be contained or restrained naught

Anything is possible in this realm with heart strings tugging at the helm.

The coldest fire darkens the lightest beasts of mind resurrected in the past, still dead.

To let go absolutely is the only way to succeed abundantly in embracing that dread.

Yet it is not to limit the joyous state of complete abandonment to the cloudy winds of twisted turbulence that consume the human soul.

It is the very act of faith of the only way known in which a person's shattered state can be gathered to become spiritually whole.

Ponderings...

2009-11-05T23:47:00.002-05:00

Why is it that even though I know there will be bumps in the proverbial road, I'm still surprised when I happen across one?

Why is it so easy to admit that I am not perfect and yet so difficult to look at exactly how I am imperfect?

Exactly why is it that there are not atheists in foxholes?

Instead of insisting on having what I want why can't I want what I have?

Life is a journey, then I'll take the scenic route any day!

Why do we hire weather forecasters to be wrong all the time? Is that really a good investment?

If I believe in God and there is no God, what I have I lost?

Do atheists ever take the non-existence of god as a matter of faith?

If Nietzche is right and God is, in fact, dead, then would he be classified as an atheist or a religionist? Can non-existent beings die?

How did freedom of religion become absence of religion?

How could we dream big enough to send a man to the moon yet we can't imagine a woman in the oval office?

How is it that in our free enterprise system there are companies too large to fail?

The American dream was hijacked by Ambien, et. al.

"When you haven't got time for the pain..." If the answer is in a pill, what the hell was the question?

Maybe the reason we're losing the war on drugs is because the pharmaceutical companies keep pumping untold resources into public relations campaigns that insist drugs are the answer to EVERYTHING!

If prostitution is against the law, then shouldn't all those bank execs who screwed the American public and then asked for bailout money be arrested? We did just pay to get screwed, didn't we?

Why is it said by those who consider themselves patriots, "America, love it or leave it" instead of, "America, love it or change it?"

Why is it unAmerican to work toward changes in the United States and so patriotic to blindly follow without ever questioning?

I must be able to conceive it and believe it if I am going to receive it.

Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. Don't get wrapped up in more than that.

It doesn't really matter "who's on first' if your team isn't playing, now does it?

If I focus on the positive, then I don't have time to get mired in the negative.

God doesn't call the qualified. God qualifies the called. Don't try to qualify that...you're not God!

The difference between me and God is that God never thought s/he was me!

It's said that if you can remember the 60's you weren't really there. Well, a lot of good things got said and done in the sixties but if we don't remember them, does that mean they didn't happen and they weren't said?

If a tree falls in the forest, isn't the forest still there?

Whether I accept life on life's terms or not does not change reality. Acceptance, however, does change me.

When one door closes, pay attention to what happens in the hall while you wait for the next door to open. The NOW exists where you are at, not where you want to be.

I am right where I am supposed to be, but I am not where I am supposed to stay.

It doesn't matter whether I learn from my successes or my failures for growth is always a positive outcome.

How I got here is less important than where I am going from here.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. What are you waiting for?

an attitude of gratitude

2009-10-27T10:50:00.001-04:00

the picturesque fall exploding with colors galore

the solitude and subtle colors of winter's grandeur

which give rise to springs rebirth in vibrant display

to birth summer into full bloom with nature's array

in the delicate features of the most fragrant of flowers

or the sacred stillness of life in the morn's wee hours

till the pace of time of takes off with glorious sunlight

offer opportunity for faux and fancy to take real flight

life pulses on one resounding beat at a time

offering wealth of experience subtle and sublime

madness and mayhem muffled by the mundane

serenity the champion conquers the most inane

the insatiable human heart echoes of love's longing

lamenting hollowness like the waylaid song bird

as miracle expands within to find a full faith

wisp of the human spirit drifting as a wraith

smile upon countenance I know from the inside out

this is fodder that produces the gratitude I'm talking about

so much I can say yet there is that for which words fail

deep inside I reach to touch gentle soul's billowing sail

not simply a single moment of being in this grateful place

it's perpetual maneuvering on gratitude's buoyant grace

Gratefully yours...

2009-10-26T17:08:00.002-04:00

I was talking with Mel today. It's been a little while since I've put together a gratitude list. Hmm..what's that about? Well, there is only one way to correct that so here goes...

I am grateful for
...the sun and the moon and stars in the sky
...the clouds that bring rain and the ones that just drift by
...the fish and the turtles and the sea creatures of all kinds
...the beasts of the land and the birds that fly on the wind
...family and friends who stand beside me through thick and thin
...all the people who challenge me to be the best I've ever been
...all the good times that bring a smile to my face
...even the most disconcerting times I can embrace
...the picture of the fall exploding with colors galore
...the solitude and subtle colors of winter's grandeur
...which give rise to springs rebirth in vibrant display
...to bring summer to full bloom with nature's array
...in the delicate features of the most fragrant of flowers
...or the sacred stillness of life in the morn's wee hours
...till the pace of time of takes off with glorious sunlight
...offering opportunity for fancy to take real flight
...life pulses on one beat at a time
...offering experience subtle and sublime
...madness and mayhem muffled by the mundane
...serenity's victory conquers the most inane
...with the human heart echoing love and faith
...wisp of the human spirit drifting as a wraith
...smile upon countenance I know from the inside out
...what in the world would would I be ungrateful about?

Just some stray thoughts...and I think I have a poem in the midst of all that. Let's see how that plays out. NO FILM AT 11! LOL

Tired...

2009-10-22T15:22:00.003-04:00

Well, my doctor's office called today. I have an appointment on November 2nd to discuss what to do about my anemia. That feels like such a looong way off. I am sick and tired of being so tired. A couple hours after I get up, I am ready for a looooong nap. I tend to fight that urge. I don't do the 20 minute power nap thing...never did. When I sleep I dedicate myself to the task at hand...for quite a while.

I could live without the ever-present headache and frequent dizziness and the fog I operate out of most of the time. And the sad part is, that's the stuff that isn't so very bad at all.

Early Tuesday morning (a litte after 4 AM) I woke up in pain. I tried to go back to sleep but only managed to toss and turn. At 10 AM I put o n the lidoderm patch...in the groin and on my lower back. I'm not sure what exactly they are supposed to do cause it really did nothing for me. So I kept in on the full 12 hours while taking ibuprofen to try to deal with the pain. I went about my usual activities. I've really come to resent that this pain comes and steals my days like it does. It's exhausting and frustrating and annoying and leaves me feeling like I am at wits end. The old saying, "when you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on" comes to mind. I am hanging onto that knot.

Late Tuesday/early Wednesday (3 AMish) I finally called the doctor on call. I had tried everything I could think of and nothing was working. The pain was unbearable...downright vicious. I am grateful that it is not a constant thing but even this recurring thing is getting to me. I called Generations answering service who had a nice doctor call me back, rather promptly at that. She was n ice enough and I was rather pleasant. I really didn't have the energy to be anything but pleasant. I had been in pain for almost 24 hours at that point. The doctor on-call suggested I go to the DKH ER. Those of you who know me, know I do not hold them in high regard. The last time I had been there they released me even though I was telling them I was in so much pain that I could not stand upright. They brought a wheel chair in so I could crawl into it and wheel myself out. Instead, I waited the additional 20-30 minutes for the pain to subside and hobbled out of their ER.

Sooo, when the on-call gal suggested I go there, I told her something to the effect that I didn't think you could get much service there unless you had a gun. Now I explained to her my last experience with them and how my wording was an expression of frustration with their system. She seemed to get that. She acknowledged that it must be very frustrating for me to be going through this for going on 6 months. She didn't seem unduly concerned with my off-the-cuff comment. She didn't have the police come to my door or anything.

Well, I tried to sleep but the pain just wasn't having it. I was desperate so I asked Mel to bring me to the ER. They put me in triage, asked my name and birth date and then the Putnam police arrived. They asked me why I had threatened to come to the ER with a weapon. I told them I had not done that and related what I had actually said. In the course of talking to them they determined that Troop D had jurisdiction cause I had talked to the doctor from my apartment. So then, Troop D comes in and asks me why I threatened to come to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So I explained to them what had transpired.

Troop D gave me a summons/ticket/whateverthehellyoucallthedamnthing with a court date. Then they left me there to be treated.

I get in the room and the nurse asks me about my physical complaint...a conversation that lasted all of a couple of minutes...and then proceeds to drill me about why I had called and said I was coming to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So, I calmly explained to her what I had actually said. She kept asking questions about specifics for 15 or 20 minutes. I wasn't sure what the point of that was. She wasn't qualified to do a psych eval...I mean the nurses just don't do that sort of thing.

Anyway, I got to hang out in the room for a while and then saw the doctor who poked and prodded and looked at blood test results and stuff like doctor's do. No answers there but I wasn't expecting any. I've kinda given up expecting that someone is gonna tell me what the hell is going on and why I am in extreme pain sometimes.

The doctor came back into the room and asked me if I really meant it when I said I was going to come to the ER with a weapon. UGH! So I explained yet again.

Does anyone out there want to ask me why I threatened to come to the ER with a gun? LMAO...it's a damn good thing I enjoy repeating myself.

I know I used a poor choice of words, for sure, no doubt. I have to go to court and tell that to the powers that be. In this day and age, saying 'son of gun' could get a body in trouble. I'd like to tell you what I was thinking when I said, but I surely was not thinking. I was too tired and in too much pain for too long and my brain was not functioning properly.

It did make me realize that I need help to negotiate this medical system. I can't fight this battle without wiser folks than me on my side. I don't know how this will all work out...it will be what it is gonna be. But I would like to know what is happening and why the pain keeps coming back. After six months of this, I don't think that is too much to ask. Is it?

The Straight and Narrow...

2009-09-25T22:18:00.004-04:00

I don't usually spend much time thinking about the 'straight and narrow' folks of the world. Tonight is not one of those times that I can disregard them entirely. I got some questions on my mind.

Do you think they were born that way or did some traumatic life-event stunt their intellectual, spiritual and emotional growth? I do believe that children learn what they live. I mean, if education isn't possible then public education really has no point. But I concede, not all education is of the intellectual variety. Look at athletes and dancers and actors of an exceptional level. There seems to be a physical agility, an intelligence of motion that most of us do not possess. Look at the great minds of philosophy and psychiatry like Jung and Freud and Nietzsche, they seem to possess an intuitive intelligence to a degree most of the rest of us lack.

So, how do we come think as we do? Is it innate (genetic, LOL) or is it learned? How do the institutions like government, family, school and church effect our minds? Are conservatives born or made? Yes indeed, where do conservatives of the political and religious types come from? And, more importantly, can we send them back there?

Why do some people think they can speak for God? Do they think they are that important? Must be pretty kewl to think you are that right all the time, huh? Why do some people think that I should conform to their vision of perfect reality? What the hell makes anyone think that they have a grip on what a perfect reality is? Hmmm...interesting question, eh?

Ever want to shove a pine tree down a conservatives' throat? I've heard that some parts are edible! (not a Euell Gibbons quote, but I couldn't' resist...LOL)

I look at all the outrageous things I've been told by the 'straight and narrow' types. UGH!

It's just a phase..........FOR THIRTY-SIX FREAKING YEARS????

If I pray for release this will be lifted from me...SO GOD MADE ME GAY SO I CAN PRAY TO NOT BE GAY SO HE CAN FIX ME???? GOD MUST BE VERRRRY BORED WITH THE UNIVERSE!!!

It's not normal...AND IT IS NORMAL TO WORRY ABOUT EVERYBODY ELSE LIFE BUT YOUR OWN???? AND JUST BECAUSE IT'S NOT YOUR NORMAL DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT MY NORMAL, BY THE WAY!!!

It's not healthy...REFER TO "It's not normal" response.

God's plan is....YOU CAN FILL IN THE BLANK WITH 'WHATEVER' HERE AS THE RELIGIONISTS GENERALLY DO!!!!

It's in the Bible....WELL THERE ARE ONLY 10 COMMANDMENTS, I'D THINK IF IT WAS THAT IMPORTANT THERE'D BE A COMMANDMENT JUST FOR THAT!!! WAS THAT AN OVERSIGHT?

It's in the Bible...WHY DIDN'T JESUS ADDRESS THIS? WAS THAT AN OVERSIGHT? DOES GOD COMMIT OVERSIGHTS?

Leviticus says, "Man shall not lie with man as with woman" ...WELL OF COURSE NOT, BASIC BIOLOGY, IT'S GOT TO BE DONE DIFFERENT, NOW DOESN'T IT? IS THAT PROHIBITION OR A HEADS-UP ON THE FACTS OF GAY LIFE? DUH!!!

Marriage is between a man and a woman...MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE AND THE DULY ELECTED GOVERNMENT THEY LIVE UNDER!!!

Gays will destroy the institution of marriage....HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THE DIVORCE RATES LATELY? HETEROSEXUALS ARE DOING A GOOD JOB ALL ON THEIR OWN.

Gays will destroy 'family' ...WHERE DO YOU THINK GAYS COME FROM? WHAT DO YOU THINK IT DOES TO A FAMILY TO BELIEVE CASTING OUT A LOVED ONE IS A GOOD IDEA?

Homosexuals are pedophiles...GET A DICTIONARY SO YOU CAN GET CLUE!!!

Gays want 'special' rights...LET'S SEE, THE RIGHT TO LOVE, TO MARRY LAWFULLY, TO CARE FOR OUR LOVED ONES, TO BE RESPECTED AND SAFE IN OUR BEING...HELLO! ARE THERE ANY HUMAN BEINGS WHO DO NOT WANT THOSE RIGHTS???

Dear God, please protect me from your zealots!

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray oh lord, the zealots at bay to keep,
Should they rise up in rancor before I wake, I pray the lord their tongues to take.

Why, oh why, do those conservatives insist that I believe in the God of their understanding? And why the hell do they believe they completely, fully and utterly understand a being of infinite dimensions? Do they really think they can take the infinite and grasp it in the infinitesimal space between their two ears?

OH GIVE ME A HOME, WHERE THE ATHEISTS ROAM,
WHERE THE QUEER AND DISENFRANCHISED PLAY.
WHERE SELDOM IS HEARD A DISPARAGING WORD
AND RELIGIONISTS ARE QUIET ALL DAY!
HOME! HOME OF THE BASICALLY SANE!

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe,
Catch a religionist by the toe!
If he hollars, "don't you believe?'
Just say, "Hell no!"

See, I have a higher power, a god, if you like, of my understanding. I don't have to believe in yours. I have my own. And, incidentally, you can't have my higher power cause it won't work for you. Your straight and narrow mind couldn't begin to conceive of what I call the source of life and light and understanding. My god is Jesus and Allah and Vishnu and the Great Spirit and the four winds and the elements of water, earth, sky and fire; the hint of universal in a limited existence; things seen and unseen, things felt by my heart and soul which no one else will ever experience the way I do. That intimate relationship with the creative essence that I know personally assures me that I am on the right path, pursuing my journey as only I can.

SO GET YOUR PRESUMPTIVE HANDS OFF MY LIFE!!! GET INVOLVED IN YOUR OWN LIFE AND LEAVE THE REST OF US ALONE! ENOUGH OF YOUR HOLIER THAN THOU, EGOCENTRIC, CONTROL DRIVEN RUBBISH!!! I'M MAD AS HELL AND ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TELL YOU SO RIGHT TO YOUR 'GET IN MY FACE' BULLSHIT!!!

AND NEITHER ONE OF US IS GONNA BE HAPPY THAT DAY!

Descent

2009-09-24T10:52:00.003-04:00

She reaches sweetly into my heart the way
Early October touches the autumn leaves
And offers a blazing passion of vibrant color
Amidst the love stroked hope of my soul
That turns with outstretched arms wide open
To the pallet of possibilities that she brings.

Fall's Descent

2009-09-23T10:00:00.004-04:00

Flaming red maples, leaves tipped to the sky
As warm autumn days turn to brisk fall nights.
Crisp cool air carried by wayward wind wisps by
The flow of the season brings eager foliage nigh.

Change so naturally comes against time's shuttered eye.
It beats and pulses and breathes and chops and slices
Within nature's blind harmony comes resounding chorus.
The ebb and flow of color delights the stalwart forests.

Tis a season for all creatures to slow their cycle down,
To steady harried pace, to plant feet firm upon the ground.
Time to breathe from deepest stirrings, look casually around.
Listen to the silence as the harbinger of change sounds.soon to
Enjoy the mosaic majesty of multi-colored splendor all around.

Autumn leaves are turning, preparing for the fall
Metamorphosis abounding in the god's kingdom hall.
A spectacle of shaded hues highlighted for one and all.
Earth displays her festive finery, very proud and tall.
She speaks to your abysmal soul, heed ye, Gaia's call!

HOPE...

2009-08-26T20:37:00.002-04:00

Hope is...

...a newcomer getting up for a 24-hour coin or tag.
...a dear friend and power of example getting a 13 year medallion.
...a sober breath.
...pink hair.
...putting in the effort and hanging around to see what the outcome will be.
...watching someone asking how to let go of a resentment and then listening to suggestions.
...listening to someone share about how they deal with anger and resentment.
...trying something different to see if I get a better result.
...service work.
...honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.
...asking for help.
...not being mired in the muck of the problem(s) du jour.
...looking to the power of example of those who came before.
...being the example I want others to see in me.
...basking in the glory of daylight.
...seeking out the brightest star on the darkest night.
...setting my sail toward my destination believing I can catch the right wind.
...doing the next right thing.
...reaching my hand out.
...reaching out to the hand extended toward me.
...doing the do's.
...moving forever forward.
...knowing standing still is really about losing ground.
...a parent with a child in a meeting.
...going to a meeting instead of going to a party.
...asking how?
...listening to new ways of doing things that I could never imagine before.
...pink hair times two!
...the "we" part of the program.
...seeking what I need instead of what I want.
...one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time!
...the only commodity that really counts.
...the currency of the heart.
...almonds and cheese and refreshing swims and walking home on a warm night.
...the best, dearest friend a soul can embrace.

I have the disease of more. Therefore, there is never enough. There never will be enough. The only way to hold my own is to stop playing the game...just for today! What "I" can do, has never been enough. Left to my own devices, I cannot find hope. I need others, just like me...no matter how different we may seem...to help me along.

My disease offers hopelessness, darkness, helplessness, despair and desperation. It manifests itself in many different ways but none of them are good...none of them are positive...none of them are healthy. As an addict I can either live in my disease or live free from my disease. I can be mired in the muck or I can seek the hope that recovery offers. There is no middle ground, no half way point where I can exist in both worlds at once. It is an either/or proposition. when I try to hold my ground I live an illusion. If I am not moving away from my addictions then they are creeping up on me. That is an immutable fact of my existence.

It is hope that says I can make progress. Some of it is quick and some of it is halting. Some I resist until push comes to shove and I have no alternative but to change. Sometimes I embrace the needed change.

If I do today what I did yesterday, I have the hope that all will be well in the here and now. If I do tomorrow what I did today, then I can have hope for the future. Hope is not a default setting in my thinking. It is an acquired skill which I practice with more or less proficiency on any given day..but, I must practice it each and every day.

If I live in the positive...if I do the positive things I need to do...if I concentrate on doing the next right thing...then, and only then, have I accomplished the monumental feat of keeping myself going in a positive direction. That is how I live in hope. I can only do that to the best of my ability. Some days are surely better than others. Then again, any day I stay away from a drink or drug is a good day. I can rest at night knowing I have done that much right.

There's nothing today that a drink or a drug won't make a damn sight worse. If I don't do anything to make things worse, there's always hope that it will get better. Usually the "it" is me. LOL

Hmmm...

2009-08-19T20:41:00.002-04:00

So much going through my head right now. It's hard to think with this stuffy head happening. Gotta love a summer cold! I forget why again. LOL

Part of me feels stuck in the past. Same old, same old. Don't know how to sort all that crap out. I'll figure it out sooner or later. Of course, I would prefer sooner. Oh impatient me!!!

I don't especially care for those times when my head is spinning. This is one of those times. It's been a long time since I've been around a bunch of people feeling so paranoid about what I should and shouldn't do. That happened today. My old shit! Gotta love that too, I guess. Why the hell not?

UGH! I think I need a vacation. I need to find a way to get away and clear my mind. Mind you, a vacation is so NOT in the budget. Still, I know the things that work, that help to get me back to square one. I need to engage those methods so I can clear up this mess between my ears.

I could elaborate on all that, but among other things, I don't have the time or energy to put a book onto my blog. Better to walk the walk than to just talk the talk. Updates may or may not follow. Some things just don't need to be elucidated. As for what's going on in my head...who the hell knows?

It's been a while...

2009-08-05T11:01:00.002-04:00

Wow! I didn't realize that my last post was before my b-day, back in mid July! I gotta get on the ball with this. I really do enjoy the journaling aspect to this blog. It helps to keep me centered. And, it's not like I've been so flipping busy.

I have seen alot of doctors recently. UGH! My primary is referring me to a chiropractor and to my surgeon. I've had good expereinces with chiropractors in the past, so I am optimistic about seeing one again.

As for the surgeon's office, well that MA, Jeff, is something else. I feel like he keeps giving me the dodge. All I ever get from him is vague references to "well maybe when the doctor gets back (conference and vacation) you might want to make an appointment."

My doc called the radiologist at Day Kill'em yesterday. The clip in my right side has indeed 'migrated' between the September '08 CT scan and the one in June '09. Now, that says to me, that the surgeon should look into this. Enough is enough already! It's in the abdominal/pelvic area now and my cycle seems to effect it. Makes sense...fluid, bloating and all the accompanying changes that happen would certainly crowd out a foreign object or offer it opportunity to 'poke' me more. But hey, I'm no doctor. I'm just the owner of the body that is trying to get some flipping answers...and I have decided to go after those answers with a vengeance. Let's see how they like me now!!! LOL

Today, my groin is 100% pain free....has been for days. Got some achiness in my right shoulder but that's a whole other issue which, I am working on resolving. I will see the doctor next week about dat little darling.

Anyway, after seeing my doctor yesterday, Mel and I went to Cumberland's for coffee. I love their hazelnut decaf. Wouldn't ya know it, someone back into the car in the lot. I saw it coming but Mel was placing her coffee in the cup holder. It wasn't anything spectacular. We were parked and he didn't see us as we were in his blind spot. He was so apologetic and pleasant, feeling really bad about what happened. Soooo, we ended up in Putnam picking up a rental from Enterprise. It's a nice little Mazda...drives nice. Of course, now there is the whole dealing with the insurance company process...but since no one was hurt, there really wasn't a big bad down side to things.

It may take a while for his company to get on the ball. They told him they would send an adjuster out toward the end of the week. Guess this means we will be travelling to the open house in that pretty little white Mazda. Tsk! Tsk! LMAO

I am house/pet sitting this weekend. Me and Max will be hanging out some. I really love that dog. He is such a big galumph with personality. One of my favorite things is sitting down to watch TV with his head on my lap...so much the more convenient for petting him (and we both agree on that!).

No sooner will I get done with Max than I will be watching Sammy for Jenn and Kent. They are going to Maine for a week. Guess I will be very busy...in a wonderful kinda way. It's so nice to be able to pet sit since I couldn't afford to keep one of my own. Kinda like getting paid for renting'em. Now that's better than those rebates that manufacturers offer!!!

This Saturday is the open house at Ann's and then next Saturday is the Sober Cruise. In between we might hit the Sun game on Sunday...an afternoon game works best for us. And to think, I used to be a night owl.

It's also time to plan another jaunt to Riverview to visit Miss Ashley. We went up for her birthday and I am pleased to report a good time was had by all. All my fears about her not liking Mel cause she was so close to Kay were set to rest. The three of us shopped and then went out to eat thoroughly enjoying the day.

Oh well! I could ramble on and on. No one has ever accused me of being concise. LMFAO

I shall sign off now, resolving to write more frequently. Let's see if I do what I say!

TRY IT, YOU'LL LIKE IT!!!

2009-07-15T12:44:00.004-04:00

HIGH PROTEIN PANCAKES

I started with the Harvest Hill Light and Fluffy pancake mix...and improvised. But the recipe came out so well, I just wanted to share it with folks!

MAKES 7 PANCAKES (store extras in a sealed container in fridge...they reheat well in microwave!)

2/3 c. pancake mix 400 calories, 8 g. protein
1 large egg 150 calories, 12 g. protein
2 scoops of protein powder 200 calories, 36 g. protein (will vary by brand)
1/2 cup of 1% milk 51 calories, 4 g. protein (more or less to taste)
1/4 c. ground flax seed 240 calories, 12 g. protein

135 CALORIES PER PANCAKE 10 GRAMS OF PROTEIN EACH

I added a tablespoon of peanut butter on my pancake for another 100 calories and an additional 5 grams of protein.

I've also made peanut butter and jelly pancakes using the above recipe with a tablespoon of peanut butter and tablespoon of my favorite sugar free jelly which added 35 more calories.

And yes, I use a sugar free pancake syrup that adds 35 calories or less (I use way less than the 1/4 cup it counts as a serving on my single pancake).

I am going to try some fresh fruit to rev up this recipe. I suspect a small amount will go a long way flavor wise and fruit eaten with protein is the best way to have it do its fat fighting thing. Well, that's what those nutrition people keep saying anyway.

I'm liking this experimenting with cooking that I am doing. It's lots of fun, very productive and tastes good too!!! Woohoo!

AGAIN!!!

2009-07-14T22:21:00.002-04:00

I got this email entitled "Eisenhower warned us" which was very anti-Muslim. It really bothers me to continually get these types of emails. Muslims, as whole, do NOT deny the Holocaust. Yet, this and any other tidbit that aims to villainize Islam and its people circulates freely with no one questioning the veracity of the statements because WE, as Americans, believe Muslims in general were behind 9/11.

The September 11th attacks were in fact, perpetuated by terrorists, religious extremists, zealots. Those individuals no more represent Islam than those who have bombed abortion clinics represent Christianity. Whenever we seek out a social scapegoat we set the stage for yet another holocaust. To hate a people based on their religious beliefs has been done...done to death as a matter of fact.

Islam is not the scourge of the earth. Muslims are not the spawn of Satan. Each faith, each people, each country holds within itself the potential for great evil. In tearing down the walls that separate us...faith, culture, political boundaries...we create the potential for great good. When we stop highlighting the differences between us and start seeing the connections we all share, then and only then, will the world begin to heal from the hatred and destructiveness.

There is much anti-Muslim propaganda. Schools in Britain are not about to stop teaching about the Holocaust and the Muslim population is not necessarily in favor of that happening. Check out this link...

http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/holocaust.asp

For at least one Muslim view of the holocaust...check out this link...

http://www.dhuha.net/en/content/islam/counseling/muslim-view-about-holocaust

and this is an interesting piece as well...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmEw5M-xK64

There is a lot of anti-Muslim sentiment out there from which emerges much untruth in the same way that anti gay sentiment paints all gays as child molesting, family wrecking, heathens with no regard for God and country. A stereotype is not just the image that others have of me and mine, it also includes all the preconceived notions that I have about others. I need to find what those preconceived notions are so I can seek the truth to live in the light.

Think about it...

Life goes on...

2009-07-09T21:48:00.002-04:00

Brought Annie up to Worcester for her dental work today. Damn! No wonder she is gets so uptight. She got there for 9:30 AM and wasn't done until 1 PM. That's a lot of time in the chair!

So I kicked around Worcester. Hit the Goodwill Store on Park Avenue....$4.99 for a t-shirt there...I did NOT buy one. Jeepers! I can get them for less brand new at the end of the season...and it's not like t-shirts really have a season. LOL I did find a pair of blue jean shorts and an Eddie Bauer shirt...very nice.

Yesterday was another hell day for me. I woke up in screaming pain...dealt with it. Well, it's not like I have any other option. I have noted that I've gone through 96 out of 100 acetaminophen this past month. Holy Moley, Mrs. Foley!!!

I came home early from my Wednesday night meeting (after I tossed my cookies...ICK!), took a bath and was in bed by 8 PM...for the night...down for the count. It was a restless night, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable...less downright painful position.

I would have tried to seek some medical help but pain...pain that has been casually dismissed on numerous occasions...does not make Sue a pleasant personality. I've put that on hold...till tomorrow morning. I am going back to my last doctor. I don't like the clinic atmosphere she works in, but I've always found her to be a good listener. Someone's got to start listening...real soon.

Tuesday we drove up to Riverview to visit with Ashley's clinician and with Ashley. I continue to be impressed with the quality of care and genuine concern expressed by those in 'the system.' The kid's got her issues...TBI, lower intellectual functioning, bipolar disorder and the kind of angry outbursts that have already gotten her a laundry list of charges in the juvenile system...but she can be the sweetest, most genuinely delightful person when she is stable. I don't know what the future holds for her, sometimes it gets scary to contemplate all the variables. Today she is in a safe place with competent care and quality professionals who are concerned with her best interests. Who could ask for anything more than that?

Mel was a bit apprehensive about meeting her. Ashley is still very attached to Kay though she hasn't seen or heard from Kay in well over six years. When she lived with her aunt, before she became too much for a traditional family setting to handle, she spent many weekends with us. Kay and I were respite care of sorts. The meeting went well. Ashley was very mellow...and quite tired. She had spent the night before chatting into the wee hours with another client who was leaving in the morning. Thus proving, kids are still kids no matter where you find them. LOL

She had had a rough week the week before. She has to earn privileges back if she wants to visit off-campus for her birthday. Either way, we will be going up on the 21st. If it is an on-grounds visit, we'll bring the cake and party with us. I'm hoping she earns the off-campus privilege though. I think it will do wonders for her morale. She always loves an outing. Well, what's not to like?

Time for me to be thinking of lights out. My doctor's appointment is at 8 AM in the morning. I will hit the streets around 7:30. It's only about a 12-15 minute walk from here but I want to be prompt.

Good night...wish me luck!! I am gonna need it.

...this just in...

2009-06-24T23:24:00.002-04:00

Mel and I were talking. She says I have been "out of sorts" since the DKH ER visit.

Interesting. Odd.

I keep 'remembering' something. I'm not sure what it is I am remembering. It's a flash really. Nothing more. I remember the curtains..white or light colored...on those tracts like in the ER...there's a gurny or bed and maybe a table on the side like the old medical stands.

It's just a flash...a tidbit of a memory. I've had this memory before. I don't know where it comes from or what it is about. It seems like a hospital setting...all the beds...the curtains. I'm wearing something white...a johnny gown I think.

It comes with the rage. Does the rage bring it or does it bring the rage?

There's no doctor or nurse in the memory. Just me remembering that I was there for a split second and then poof, it's gone again!

I feel vulnerable in the memory. Scared. Maybe confused or maybe I am confused because I don't have any more of the memory than that and then the fool thing skedaddles. I'm there for an instant then I'm back.

It will go away. It always does. This memory will flash like a neon sign upon my consciousness then be gone as if it was never there.

The feelings will subside. I won't feel like I want to keep my back against the wall. I won't feel the vulnerability. I won't feel the fear. I won't feel the rage...the absolute deep, dark vile rage that surges to consciousness' shore when whatever it is that pries that memory to the surface dissipates allowing it to recede into the shadows once again.

Weird. Weird that this comes and takes me someplace...a place I have been before emotionally...with all the gut wrenching sense of immediacy as if I am there, living it, feeling it, dealing with it.

I wish I knew what hospital, what doctor's office...whatever. I want to know where I am going back to with this memory from hell. I want to find the demons that own this part of me so I can exorcise them.

I want to be on an island

2009-06-24T20:50:00.002-04:00

away from every living breathing person on the planet

it hurts

people at meetings like to do the hugging thing

it hurts

people offered me rides home but I walked

I don't want to be near people

it hurts

I want to hit and punch and maime...not sure who or what matters

I just want to feel strong and powerful and safe by my own devices

the little girl wants to run and hide until she is strong enough to hurt everyone/anyone first

the soul cries by cringing, pulling back, hiding away

pain is the touchstone of progress...f*ck progress

WTF

2009-06-24T20:47:00.002-04:00

If a man is screwing a woman and she says, "take it out" and he continues to do what he is doing...that is sexual asault.

If a trained medical professional is doing a pelvic exam on a woman and she says, "take it out" and the professional continues to do what they are doing that is standard medical practice.

Sorry f*cking world we live in!

Is it me?

2009-06-24T16:15:00.002-04:00

Got an appointment with my therapist tomorrow first thing. I am so bummed today.

One of the medical assistants in New Haven said I should come to St. Raphael's ER yesterday, so I did. The rationale was that they had my records and I could see an intern from the surgical office. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

I saw some doctor and APRN in training who did not listen to me telling them to call the surgeon's office. They did not want to see the CT scan I had on me (from DKH) or compare it to past scans. They told me they were going to do a pelvic exam...silly me, I thought they were going to do a pelvic exam. What I got (two days before I see my own APRN for my annual gyn exam) was the opportunity for some student to test out her expertise under the direction of a doctor in a an ER with a nurse looking on. The exam was to see if my cervix was fryable (sp) that's all. I would not have agreed to that for a matter of two days. He told her to swab because there was a discharge but apparently that was only the flipping frying thing cause they don't 'do pelvic exams' in the ER. Well, that's what the idiot said after the fact.

Of course, when they put the speculum in and it hurt I told them to take it out but they proceeded. I remember why I hate doctors again. I really don't want to go for my exam tomorrow. I actually don't want to do go to another doctor's office until 911 takes my unconcious ass there against my conscience will.

I told one of them...either the doc or the trainee, that I thought morphine was overkill that Ultram was effective for the pain. Some time after 5 PM...I had been in pain since I woke up around 6-7 AM...the nurse arrived with a shot of morphine.

I had asked about the intern from my doctor's office in the ER when I got there. They waited till ALL the tests had come back to call the office...after 5 PM when MY records were not available and they talked to the doctor on call...who knew nothing about my case.

Repeat after me...WASTE OF F*CKING TIME! If I knew how to blow things up...they would be on my hit list. I so get why people 'lose' it. And, just for the record, I know it takes less for me to lose it than the average bear.

I don't know where to turn. Maybe, like my soon to be ex-PCP says, I will never feel that intense, burning pain in my groin ever again. It may never come back so what the hell am I so worried about? I won't be calling these idiots any more. If I can't take the pain I can always pick up so me ibuprofen and take care of the pain. Cause, it is that kind of pain and I'd rather risk blowing out my stomach than going to some medical asshole that I will have to bitch slap and leave in cuffs.

I think anyone who wants to be a doctor ought to have to be mistreated and discounted and pissed off by another medical professional before they can get their license. Actually, now that I think of it...ALL DOCTOR'S PROBABLY SPEND AN ETERNITY IN HELL GETTING JUST THAT TREATMENT. That'd be fitting justice if you ask me. And I know, you didn't ask me.

But hey, maybe it's just me. I know the difference between yesterday and today is that I AM hostile and belligerent. Doctor's make no sense for me at this point cause the first thing I want to do is tell the asshole to f*ck off and die...not discuss my symptoms.

New Haven

2009-06-22T17:02:00.002-04:00

I talked to one of the medical assistants to my surgeon. There is nothing in the report about the doctor having removed my appendix during surgery. Hmm.

So, did they take it and not make note of it? Or did the DKH radiologist f*ck up? I'm betting it was the local yocal. It's to the point, no screw up out of DKH is really a surprise to me. I could do without living in limbo though.

I'm waiting to hear from my surgeon...or any surgeon from the office. My doctor is at a conference this week. Yeehaw!

I have pain still...intermittently. Sometimes the yuck in my stomach is a sensation of nausea. Delightful, huh?

So, where is my appendix? Hidden I would suspect. Why is there a clip in my appendix area? I'd guess cause it slipped off my gall bladder site (taht has been removed) and dropped down there. It happens..according to my google search anyway.

So, I wait...and wait...and wait...oh, and hurt lot here and there too.

To hedge my bet, I've scheduled a gyn exam for Thursday with someone I trust...and who listens. My primary has ears, but I don't think she has a flipping clue as to what to do with them.

Acetaminophen sucks!!! I wish I could scarf down a few ibuprofen just for the fun of it. Can't. Tempting, but I cannot. I don't know how to control the pain. Going to the ER every day for pain management doesn't sound tempting...or reasonable either. Just suffer I guess.

But, I gotta tell you, when the pain hits like it is right now, I want to b*tch slap my PCP. She went on and on Friday about how I might never be in any discomfort again and it makes no sense to be prepared. I'm really not liking the b*tch right now. Didn't like her much this weekend when I went to UMASS for relief from the pain. They gave me Ultram..wanted to give me morphine but I was like, "Whoa! Slow that bus down!!!"

I'm gonna try to sleep. I feel wiped putting up with the pain and at least while I am asleep (it's interrupted sleep for sure, but still sleep) I don't have any conscience sensation of pain. Sad way to deal with pain management but it's all I have.

No resources left. No energy to expend. F8ck it! I give up. I don't know what else to do.

Doctor's are idiots!

2009-06-19T18:21:00.002-04:00

First, let me say that I do NOT NOT NOT like being dismissed, condescended to and not listened to. This is not just my opinion of the dear doctor. Melanie came in with me and confirmed that my doctor was not interested in listening to me, was not trying to listen to me, was not very interested in listening to me.

I may be a bit irate at this point.

How do you define not listening? Well, if I say the pain is intermittent and not constant why would you assume that it is an ongoing event? I wasn't in PAIN today, though I do feel something it is not a painful sensation. It has come and gone (that does define intermittent, does it not?) The intensity varies with the event. Are these difficult concepts?

I asked about Ultram as it is touted as a non-narcotic pain reliever. I got a lecture about how I do not need a narcotic pain reliever. MISCOMMUNICATION...s'all I'm saying.

I was told that my body is adjusting to the weight loss and I may never have any pain again.

That makes it all better for having spent something like 5 hours in agony with ice packs and acetaminophen offering no relief just yesterday morning.

Of course, the fact that the CT scan shows a clamp in my lower pelvic/abdomen area...which prompted my doctor to ask about when I had my appendix removed (I still have it!!!)...well, that should be no indication of where the flipping pain might be coming from!!!

The clamp probably fell from the site where my gall bladder used to be...that's been removed. This is apparently not an uncommon occurrence. I really don't give a rat's patooey bout the clamp save for the fact that is has COINCIDENTALLY landed where the recurring pain seems to happen. Does anyone besides me read anything into this fact?

I will be getting a copy of the CT scan tomorrow when I go to the morning meeting and on Monday I shall call New Haven. They referred me to my primary cause the kidney (the left one, oddly enough) has a cyst on it. Kidney cysts are not uncommon and since this one is on the left side and not the right where my pain comes from it is quite unremarkable. I'm kewl with dat!

Years ago, in early recovery, I was told there is no such thing as coincidence. Now, the meaning in that was entirely different...it was a spiritual axiom at that time. Today, when I do the math, it adds up to something else.

Excruciating, intermittent, recurring pain in groin...frequently relieved by bowel movement...clamp makes doctor think I've had my appendix removed yet I still have the little bugger...

She says I have pulled a muscle. I need to exercise more, walk more, etc. Oddly enough, New Haven is delighted with the amount of exercise I have been getting. Oddly enough, I have pulled muscles before and this burning, stabbing pain that goes away in half a day is not how pulled muscles have played out in my past. Oddly enough, I have never had a bowel movement that relieved any of my pulled muscle pain.

Damn! Not only has my mouth been rerouted to my ass but other parts of me have been connected in some very odd ways as well.

When I left her office I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to give her a good piece of my mind.

I will call New Haven on Monday. It was too late to get through today. Their office was closed by the time I called.

Still, I am hoping she is right and I will never again feel this pain. Pain does not do much for my disposition and I suspect if I do not go to an ER while I am in the pain it will just be a case of being dismissed again. I already feel the attitude welling up inside me though. Doctor's hate attitudes but I am in my "I hate doctors" mode right now. When I hurt so bad that I cannot stand upright, I have no doubt there is some problem...maybe not a serious life threatening problem...but that level of pain is a problem.

But hey, my blood work is fine. That's all that matters. Of course, my bloodwork was so fine that I had no gall bladder problem...till someone did an ultrasound and discovered a problem. OOPS! I think I hate my blood work too.

Am I miserable? YUP! Am I pissed? Oh yeah!!! Does anyone with a medical degree want to see me if the worst case pain scenario plays out again? HELL NO!!!

TIME TO PRAY AND MEDITATE FOR SOME SANITY ON THIS MATTER CAUSE I AINT GOT NONE OF MY OWN!!!

This just in...

2009-06-13T15:04:00.002-04:00

CLOTS!!! S'all I'm saying.....

UGH!!

Okay, that's really it. I'm not saying no more....

OHMIGAWD!!!! Huge. Absolutely huge.

Why would I share that? Well, if I have to live through it all...you get details. Understand? Well, you don't have to understand. That's just the way it is.

Monday. I just have to wait till Monday for the damn CT scan. Hmmm...I think I hate waiting too!

Well, did you expect me to be joyous bout dis? Nah. Not even close. This is a bother, a real bother. And yes, I will get through it all. But, it's my party and I can bitch if I want to, bitch if I want to....

LMAO

HOLY SH*T!!!!

2009-06-13T09:21:00.002-04:00

I absolutely cannot believe what a BM will do for me...

I feel so much better. OHMIGAWD!!! Who'da thunk it?

So glad my CT scan is on Monday. I relly want to know what this is all about. REALLY!!!!

Called Kent for a ride to the meeting. I may even be up to donig some house work for them afterwards. They have company coming...Jenn's mom...and Jenn just had carpel tunnel surgeries. Right now I would be good to go. I shall see after the meeting...film at eleven. LOL

OHMIGAWD!!!!!

2009-06-13T08:00:00.002-04:00

Had a lovely day yesterday. I made the morning meeting at the college. Then Mel and I went up to Worcester dallying about a while...hit a couple of thrift stores, TJ Maxx at the Greendale Mall and then off to Dunkin Donuts for a very big decaf Hazelnut coffee. We started to watch an old video that I had but I pooped out. I was tired and sooo crampy that I went to bed 'bout half way through the thing. 'Twas a well- rounded day all in all.

Now the night was another story. I was up and running to the bathroom every two hours....as of this morning I am now on hourly patrol. (I'd LOL but this aint so funny from where I sit). I have cramps...front and back. Both my hips hurt with that burning, stabbing pain and there is the weirdest sensation shooting down both legs...oh yeah, and standing totally upright just aint happening. Then there is the fact that I am flowing like flood waters rushing in New Orleans! Thank God I am on iron! Thank God!!!

I hate my ovaries this morning. I hate ALL men because you do not have ovaries. I hate women who have had hysterectomies. I hate those women who say things like, "embrace your feminine self." I hate all those women who love their menstrual cycle. I hate everyone and everything. Hmmm...it occurs to me I just might be in a miserable mood this morning.

I want the pain to stop and acetaminophen aint cutting it. Unfortunately, that's the strongest stuff that I can take. I want to put heat AND ice on the same spots at the same time. I only own three heating pads...that aint enough. It's so hard to apply either heat or ice to some areas when one is in the fetal position. What the hell is that about...some eternal joke? On the bright side...I can get into a full fetal position. I didn't used to be able to pull that one off. See, it's not all bad.

Of course, the weight of the heating pad or the ice...or maybe it is the sensation of feeling something on the ever-sensitive skin...is so intensely unpleasant. I hate my ovaries. Have I mentioned that before? Well, let me reiterate, I really, really, really hate my ovaries this morning.

I know. I know. Some women go through this every month. What the hell is that about? If some men went through this every month...hell if one man went through this every month...there would already be a "CURE." LMAO (with tears in my eyes)

I have a plan that involves an accomplice, a weapon and surgical removal of the offending parts. The accomplice would be necessary as I could not assure the job would be done while I was under anaesthesia and I do so want the job done. S'all I'm saying is TAKE MY OVARIES....PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!

I am feeling so miserable that there will be no DKH meeting today. Which means I will have to get up to Putnam later to get the stuff for the CT scan later...or I will send someone. yes, that's a good plan. I can't take this pain. I am not going to be worth much of anything until this all goes away. Please let it be gone soon. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!

Oh, have I mentioned that I really, really, really, with all the sincerity at my disposal, hate my freaking ovaries? Well, you can bet good money on that fact friend!

What a day! What a week! What a life!

2009-06-10T16:54:00.002-04:00

I really am having a rather good day. Got up early so we could head out to New Haven. I LOVE Dr. Nadzam. What a great guy! I spoke with him about my symptoms, my ER visit on Sunday...the whole nine yards.

Instead of only poking in the exact location of the pain, like the DKH ER doc, he poked around a bit. There is definitely some tenderness in the lower right quadrant. He ordered a CT Scan of my pelvis and abdomen. He is thinking maybe chronic (subacute) appendicitis or an ovarian cyst might be going on. It would be nice to find out the cause. (And, I am trying to discount the gas I've had lately...because that has coincided with the iron supplement I have been taking.) Still, it would be nice to not be in screaming pain like that EVER again. Oye vay! Did that hurt or what on Sunday!!!

He also did not rule out the musclo-skeletal possibilities. Hey, my spine got twisted in a car accident back in 1983 and I have lost a lot of weight (87% of my excess body weight to be exact!) in the past 8+ months. That could shock the ole skeletal system a wee bit. At least I have a starting point. Gotta start somewhere. This seems like a good beginning.

The pain is nowhere near as bad as it was Sunday morning. Mostly I don't even notice it....more of an uncomfortable feeling than anything else. I am soooo grateful for that. It's all subject to change which is okay by me. Maybe it will get even better! I am premenstrual and that tends to mess with my lower back and abdomen anyway. THAT is definitely one of those things to which I can calmly say, "This too shall pass...and then come again." LMAO

I am up and about and doing all the usual things. TA DAH! Well, hey, if it don't hurt, I aint gonna baby it. Hell, if it don't hurt a whole lot, I aint gonna baby it.

I am going to prepare supper so it is ready to hit the stove when I get back from the Wednesday night meeting...which I fully intend to walk to, BTW. See, I am feeling pretty darn good. If my allergies would just back off a notch so I wasn't so tired I'd be ecstatic. That grainy, heavy feeling in my eyes is getting pretty old. Which reminds me, I have to put my drops in...they help with that quite a bit. Behold the power of modern pharmaceuticals! LOL

Well, I am gonna go fishing in my refigerator to see what I can see. I contemplated fish tonight but we had salmon last night. I have to remember that perhaps not all the rest of the world is as enamored with fish as I have become lately. LOL Maybe a variation of stove top shepherd's pie? Yes, indeed! That sounds very good. I think I can pull that one off with a little effort on my part. Mel is not doing too well with beef yet, but the ground turkey I have might just do the trick. Film at eleven! LMAO

We shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

2009-05-29T20:07:00.003-04:00

Tout Finis!!!

2009-05-22T22:34:00.002-04:00

This just in...

When the East Side Social Club, LLC closes its doors at the end of the month, there will be no follow up location for our group of drunks. Some of us had tried to work it out so we would have a place to meet until we could form another entity. That is not to be.

In my mind that is just as well. I have complete acceptance of that fact for a whole host of reasons. It will prevent some truly regrettable events from transpiring and that is a very good thing.

I am still in queue to meet with the small business people at QVCC. That will take time, but that is fine and dandy. It is evident to me that now is not the time to proceed. Where we will go from here...if we will go from here...is all up in the air. I suspect that is as it should be. Time will give us a better perspective. I'm not sure where our current perspective would get us anyway so this may turn out to be a true blessing. That's what I see in this.

I feel a certain sadness but that too shall pass. Time is the great healer. The dream is not dead, just on hold for now...for a better time and a better place and a better frame of mind all geared for success. I don't know what the road ahead will hold for us, but I shall continue my journey. That is, after all, the way of life. Nothing stands still that doesn't lose ground so forward I go!!!

I'm Baaaaaack! LOL

2009-05-11T16:53:00.002-04:00

Time flies when life is happening! I didn't realize I hadn't posted an entry in so long. Wow!!!

I've been busy with life on life's terms. Lots of things have been going on
...I'm seeing Mel
...the East Side Sober Club is closing at the end of the month : - (
...I'm seeing Mel
...the morning meetings just started up at the club so now they need to be moved or disbanded
...Mel had her surgery
...I'm seeing Mel
...I got bit manic and got over it (well, till next time...LOL)
...I'm seeing Mel
...I've been busy taking pictures and writing
...I'm seeing Mel
...I started taking the iron supplement (just in time too...Gawd, was I getting awful tired)
...I'm seeing Mel
...I'm captain of a Relay Team in Woodstock
...I'm seeing Mel
...Spring has gone and sprung up everywhere...what vibrant colors this year!!!

Did I mention that I am seeing Melanie? LOL I guess that did come up a time or two, eh? Is it serious you ask? Well, I keep hearing Anne Murray singing, "Could I have this dance?" in my head. I never thought of myself as a musical kinda person before. I've never had a song bouncing between my two ears like this one seems to be. Then I keep hearing myself saying all these sweet things (all the stuff I used to raise a cynical brow to before)...and I mean every word of it. When I see her smile, I smile too. I feel a comfortable peace when I am with her. Yup. It's serious!!! It's serious...and that's a positive thing.

Here ya go...

2009-04-26T00:08:00.002-04:00

I forgot how much I enjoy liver...till my iron got low and then I figured what the heck! I got some at the store yesterday and cooked it up. Very good stuff! Not every store carries it on a regular basis, maybe that's why I don't buy it generally. Nothing like a bit of motivation to get one cooking the good stuff! LOL

Apparently, my almost passing out was not iron related but probably Abilify related. That's got some interesting side effects. I've stopped taking it...the doctor's orders...but it will take about a week for it to get out of my system. Today I could really feel the heat and I am hoping that has to do with the meds still effecting me. If not, it's gonna be one long, uncomfortable summer! UGH! Feeling heat beat before one IS heat beat is not my idea of a good time...not at all! And I am thinking that the sun is sooooo NOT my friend. I think that every year around this time as the sun seems to get harder and harder to accustom myself to when the weather turns to summer conditions. For now, it is as if I can feel it just sap my strength. Well, this too shall pass.

Today was a good day...and a busy one to boot. Jahala's opening day softball game was cancelled. Well, you can't win them all. And I did make it to the Ice Breaker for a while. It's always nice to catch up with folks.

It was a beautiful day for doing whatever outside. WOW! The sun was shining. The temperature was conducive to folks hanging out...and they did. After the cook out Mel and I walked down by the river at Mashamoquet for a while and had a pleasant stroll. It was a perfect day. I feel very mellow and relaxed perhaps because we sat down and vegged in front of the TV for quite a while today...an indulgence I don't frequently allow myself.

Now it is off to dreamland....

UGHH!

2009-04-21T09:21:00.002-04:00

I was enjoying a nice hot shower this morning when I had to cut it short to sit on the side of the tub. That didn't work so I knelt n the floor. I figured it would be less distance to fall when I passed out. Fortunately, I did not pass out but I did get dressed kneeling on the floor. Jeepers!

I've called my PCP this AM and left a message. I tried calling New Haven...I think they have the fax hooked up to their main line. I get that gawdawful tone thing.

Beginning of March my iron was low. They said don't take an over the counter, we'll prescribe something. I called last week...well, they were waiting on the results of the D test...came back fine. I still have no iron to add to my mix. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

To make matters worse, I am flowing like the freaking Nile and feeling crampy and bloated as hell. I am cold and I am dizzy. Just shoot me!

I am going to call New Haven and ask them "WTF?" I think six weeks is too long to be a-waiting for an iron prescription. If my PCP calls back I will have to go for blood work. The thought of doing my stairs is extremely scary. I don't suppose anyone is gonna send a phlebotomist to me! LMAO

I am gonna lay down and cover up. I can't fall down that way. Odd that I am still dizzy in a horizontal position. Just for the record this is not fun. This is one of those times when living alone is a definite disadvantage.

Maybe I will feel better a bit later. I'd like to make the noon time meeting at the college...and if I have to go out for blood work anyway, why not?

Sanguine

2009-04-19T17:20:00.000-04:00

Smiling fully at me,
warming all that beats within
and for a single solitary moment,
I imbibe of eternity's endlessness.
With a joyous sound that beats,
a lovely rhythm of my spirit;
flowing through me,
becoming a part of me,
surrendering to a new lifeblood.
It is rich, red passion ethereal as the winds of never-ending time.
Swift as the current of forever racing about, without haste.
In flights of fanciful delights my mind and soul race away.
While the book of days finds our names side by side,
together on a page,
transfused life-force,
joining in a bond thicker than that essence of life.
She flows through me.

Buttercup

2009-04-15T23:11:00.000-04:00

Buttercup grows wild and free wherever they wish to be.

Laid down as a carpet of yellow for all to see.

In a green field of blades of growing lawn pressed upon the earth.

And just to prove their mettle, just to indicate their worth,

No florist will gather them up in a bouquet to sell upon the street;

No hurried batch of scurrying passers-by will leave them in defeat.

Untamed, bending freely with the low rustling winds of days

They stand testament to life's humble, simple ways.

The greatest triumph is not the dollar placed upon their head,

Rather it is the yellow tarpaulin on quiet fields they've spread.

Their little bit of existence brings color to this drab and dreary world

With merely the buttercup's little hint of heaven elegantly unfurled.

Bowing not to kings and queens nor to beggars do they cater.

All are welcome to view their majesty now and then, or later.

It cost so much for our meager weary, mortal souls

Overlooking such beauty will surely take its toll.

I did not know humility till I saw them so lowly to the ground

With dirt and weed and insect so graciously they're found.

And I will scoop a bunch up to tickle the bottom of my chin,

Turning myself into a bit of a buttercup for that simple min.

For but a single moment in all of time we are one through and through.

I become the buttercup and it becomes me too.

WHY? OH WHY DO I DO WHAT I DO?

2009-04-08T21:18:00.002-04:00

If you’re like me, then you’ve known someone…many “someone’s” …who’ve done battle with the malady known as cancer. I have no conscience recollection of not knowing about the existence of cancer.
My great aunt had breast cancer in the early sixties. I was born in 1961. I remember the whispered conversations about how much weight she had lost, how gaunt she looked at family gatherings. I remember the conjecture that she surely wouldn’t live till the next holiday. Aunt Teddy came from rugged stock proving them wrong…for a long time. I remember the scarves when she went through cobalt treatments. I remember visiting her bedside toward the end of her life. I remember her leaving us, little by little. Each time I saw her, she seemed to have slipped away from us just a bit more.
That was my first introduction to that deadly killer. It was not our last meeting. In 1989, my mother succumbed to cervical cancer after a courageous 5 year battle. I watched her cancer do its deadly work, one day at a time. I saw her go through testing and hospitalization and treatments and surgery that scared her so. There were strangers she came to depend upon when hospice came into her home. I saw my grandmother’s pain as she lost her only child. I watched my father lose the wife he had loved for a quarter of a century. My brother and I experienced that void in losing our mother.
There have been so many others…Sharon, Peggy, Kathy, Rheinhold, and Carol, to name a few who were gone too soon. And there are the survivors who battle this vicious unconscionable killer with constant vigilance…Ann, Jim, Danielle, Kent, Amanda and Sue. That’s over a dozen folks! Thirteen people I can think of quickly who I’ve known have been affected by this modern plague.
It adds up to more people than that when I do the math. For every person who has been afflicted, there is the fear that grips their loved ones. There is the ripple effect that spreads out as more and more individuals feel the impact of these random acts of cancer.
I see some friend or other and their families dealing with this killer on a daily basis. I get angry. The rage builds. I don’t want to let this awful disease have its day of rule over my loved ones. But, what can one person do? Well, last year was the first year that I Relayed. This year I chose to be a team captain. Kent and Sue have kids who want to Relay…kids of survivors, who deserve a chance to fight this disease in their own way. It is this fight that makes me feel less powerless. Relay gives me a say and what I say is this, “I will fight this disease with any weapon at my disposal, with every fiber of my being and I will dedicate myself to doing what I can to eradicate it by any means necessary."

"TODAY, I SAY RELAY!”

OHMIGAWD!!!!

2009-04-08T00:23:00.002-04:00

WAY TO GO UCONN WOMEN!!!!!!!

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS...

I hate curtains. Really! I hate curtains. So what did I do this tonight? I hung curtains. Why? Other people's opinions.

So I have curtains up in my living room...UGH! I don't like them. What I own are white curtains and they really don't look good with the off-white walls. I think it sucks! I know it sucks!

But, on the bright side, folks ought to stop offering me curtains to spiff the place up. Maybe I could dye (die) these. Hmm...interesting idea.

What I'd really like are shades. I saw some in a lovely shade of teal blue but there is no way I can afford them in a month of Sundays. Who the hell sets the pricing on those things anyway? Jeepers!!!

I was in my closet getting curtain rods and I disturbed something....U G L Y ! ! ! ! I started coughing not realizing right away that I should be making all due haste to get to my inhaler. By the time I figured out I was having a reaction to something I was afraid that I wasn't gonna make it to my bag in the kitchen where the fool thing was. It's not a long distance, but I thought I was gonna drop half way there...and not get back up. I've never had anything 'take' my breath like that ... E V E R ... ever before. I've had some strong reactions to assorted perfumes, but never anything that intense and that FAST!!! Holy Moly, Mrs. Foley!!!!

I'm sure that the whole area has to be cleaned out but I don't think I should be doing it...unless, of course, I can find a respirator to do the work with. I don't want to have the bejeebers scared out of me like that ever again. Good grief!!!! All for flipping curtains I could most certainly live without. If that's God's way of telling me to stick to my guns on the curtain issue, well, all I've got to say is, "Thanks for the heads up, Big Guy!!!!"

It's time for bed. I'm gonna hit the hay, inhaler in tow 'cause my lungs still aint too happy though they have consented to supply oxygen for my poor, tired body. (HEAR THE BIG YAWN AT THE END OF THAT SENTENCE!)

Good night, one and all! Good night!!!

How do I know when I am hypomanic/manic?

2009-04-07T09:58:00.005-04:00

That question was posed in a newsletter type deal that I receive. It's a good question. Constant vigilance is a necessary component of life for me. It works for recovery. It works for bipolar. It just plain works.

Paying attention never hurts...though it can be uncomfortable at times. I don't always like what I see. And, I don't always see what I need to see. I listen to the perspectives of others today. Boy was that a long time a-coming! LOL

Anyway, here's my answer 'cause maybe it can help you...'cause maybe you can use it to help someone you know. Knowledge is powerful...

"I’m a shopaholic, so my shopping habits really offer no insight for me.

I notice certain things about how I talk with my hands and arms. I always do this, but when I start to get manic it will often feel like my arms are flailing as I speak. Frequently, I will hit a table or wall as I wave my arms when I am manic. I seem to be moving faster than my mind can interpret the physical world.

When I drive with mania upon me compliance to the speed limit is damn near impossible. Sixty-five miles an hour feels like I am going a mere thirty. For safety’s sake, I use the cruise control on the highway and whenever else I can.

I can’t NOT talk when I have a thought. It comes out…the good, the bad and the ugly. I am speech impulsive and my use of puns and jokes goes through the roof…and I have a good sense of humor all the time anyway.

I get seriously playful. Jumping in mud puddles, goofing off at serious times, lots of laughing and giggling, etc.

One of my signs is when I am on the computer a lot a lot I retype words…not typos, per se. I will repeat the same the same words in a sentence. I don’t do this when I am not in hypomania. (I made those mistakes intentionally to make my make my point...LOL)

I communicate more. Ann called me on this recently. I was writing more and more emails which were getting longer and longer. My first response was that I was under stress but I had noticed the flailing arm thing and I tendered the notion that I was a bit manic perhaps. She said that suspected as much.

I can talk myself out of seeing what I see quite easily. Mania feels sooo damn good. I want to believe I am doing fine. I need feedback from folks around me. I'd like to say that you shouldn't be afraid to mention this sort of thing to me, but sooner or later, it may not be so well received. I suggest 'a safe distance' when mentioning my little manic quirks. LMAO

I am getting better at noticing these things myself. Inflated self esteem doesn’t seem to catch me like other things do. It feels good to feel good and I get caught up in it without hesitation or reservation. I don’t notice that I feel too good until I am pretty far along.

People ask me the “coffee” questions. How much coffee have you had today? Have you considered decaf? I didn’t realize coffee made you so hyper?

Whether I get the outside input or whether I notice on my own (which I tend to discount) my first line of defense (right after I work on acceptance) is my med provider and my therapist. I talk to them about what I or others notice and follow instructions.

For me, dealing effectively with mania is about getting on board the saner train and letting someone else drive. I have to ask for help. Left to my own devices, I WILL crash and burn. I've done it time and time again. The DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) groups are helpful. More 12 step meetings work too. They give me a focus...a place to be...they ground me.

And, absolutely, when I am aware of my manic mode being in full swing, I check and double check on any big plans or ideas. I got no business going off on my own when I am in this mode.

It's not just the signs and symptoms of mania that I need to be aware of at any given time. I have to have a strategy for dealing with them in place and ready to go. A preemptive plan is how I cope best.

Time Flies!

2009-04-02T22:13:00.002-04:00

Wow! I can't believe its been a week since my last entry. Who'da thunk it? Well, I have been very busy.

I house sat in Willi for a bit. It was nice to hang out with the Beagles and Ruthie. They like to sit on my lap when I watch TV. That makes things VERY cozy...but pleasant.

I even managed to make a couple of 7 AM meetings while I was out there. It amazes me how easy it is to forget how much I enjoy an early morning meeting. Getting up at 5 AM to get ready to go and then starting my day in the right way is always a delight. It's rather invigorating.

The kid is at Riverview AGAIN! She'll be there till her birthday anyway. She doesn't want to go back to CCP and she has put in for a new social worker. I'm not so sure that Abby did anything to provoke that...Miss Thing has been in rare form lately.

I made it up to Middletown to visit and 15 minutes into the visit she asks if I would be willing to cut the visit short so she can go watch some movie about gangs. I said no. I don't get a vehicle all that often, thus I can't visit all the time and...she is in a negative space, a gang movie isn't what I would prescribe for her attitude.

She sent some kid at the CCP to the hospital cause she was mad and she is sooo convinced that she has the right to do that very sort of thing when 'someone makes her angry.' I'd tell her that her temper is gonna get her into trouble someday, but she is already on probation as a result of her anger issues. It really is a little late to be predicting what has already come to pass.

I call her on that crap and she does not like that one iota. She says she wants to go on independent living after her birthday. I asked her if she thought the powers that be would allow that with her uncontrollable temper. She conceded that might be a stumbling block and then proceeded to ask me to leave cause she was tired. KIDS! KIDS WITH ATTITUDES!!! She is so good at being perfectly 16 1/2.

Well, it was 7:15 and I needed to get to the airport to pick up Mary Lou, so I said my good byes and headed off to Bradley. It was a rainy night, sometimes raining quite hard with heavy traffic I made it to the airport and parked in Terminal B parking instead of Terminal A parking. Had a lovely walk through the airport and was delightfully surprised to find an art exhibit by the hotel. It was a pleasant jaunt with some thought provoking art along the way.

It was good to get home, check my emails, sleep in my own bed and wake up in my own place. Dorothy was right. There really is no place like home! LMAO I made it to the 'never on timer' in Woodstock. Good meeting. I started my day on a very positive note.

I cleaned out my closet last night and passed along some things that were too big for me. Today I proceeded to do a bit of shopping. I made out really well at the ARC Emporium and at St. Joe's Thrift Shop. 'Twas a successful venture indeed!!!

To celebrate being home I rearranged the living room AND the bedroom...both in the same day! Can you imagine? Well, all the folks who know me well, know it's just what I do. I still want to move the TV but it is such an involved thing that I think I shall wait until another humdrum day to undertake those maneuvers. But folks, I got ideas...I'm just saying! If I had a wireless router...I could do even more furniture moving. Well, it's on my list...some one of these days...LOL

Now I am going to finish up my 'putering' and hit the hay. Jess and the baby will be over at some point tomorrow. I need to be well rested. The little one has sooooo much energy! What a hot ticket! The closest I can come to that is "hot flash." LMSAO

Sunshine falling down...

2009-03-26T16:22:00.001-04:00

Sunshine falling down, it’s a grace I feel all around.
Clouds drift by across spring’s serene blue sky,
Gentle breezes nudge me on the journey I’ve begun to be.
The squirrels and I shall scamper so as to let nothing hamper
The path that has been set aside as my guide
To a life well lived one day at a time.

WIRED...FREAKIN WIRED FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!!

2009-03-26T00:10:00.003-04:00

I thought a nice warm bath, some chamomile tea and a bit of classical music would be enough to lull me to that place where I wish for sleep to come. NOT EVEN CLOSE!!!!!

I can feel myself buzzing sometimes it gets so intense. I just want to feel tired. It's after midnight. Is that too much to ask? I have to get up early to make the Woodstock meeting via bus & my pickup at Price Chopper. I've got a hunch that I am not going to wake up tired, regardless of how late I stay up. That is so NOT good!

For a while I could see my hands shaking I was zipping along so nicely. I could feel myself kick it up a notch tonight at the Danielson meeting. I did not kick it up a notch with Emeril either.

Now there's this voice in the back of my head telling me that I shouldn't have talked about being a bit manic, more than just slightly revved up. That thought makes no sense since intelligent people can figure it out for themselves. The coffee questions are probably inevitable at this point. Ten days on meds and I am having those moments where I feel like I am blasting off into orbit! I feel exposed and vulnerable...and that is uncomfortable but I have to deal with it. Honest, open minded and willing keep me sane and sober.

Anxiety, restlessness, shaking, unusual heart beat and sleeplessness are side effects...which is so good for mania why again? LOL Maybe I am feeling the side effects? I guess the thing to do is make constructive use of my time this evening/morning and call my "people" in the morning. Some times I feel like I am the guest of honor at a three ring circus but don't worry...I'm not giving my seat away.

I'm going to work on Father Jim's third question. That'll keep me very busy for a while. Hopefully my dreams will come calling sooner rather than later carrying me away to that land of white clouds and rest just over the horizon where I cannot see clearly.

GRATITUDE BAG

2009-03-25T16:06:00.003-04:00

So I am sitting at this meeting (there's something unusual for me, huh? LMAO) and this person is talking about a Gratitude Bag. A Gratitude Bag? Huh? What's that I think to myself?

Well, in early sobriety my friend's sponsor suggested this thing called a gratitude bag. It is easy to construct.
1. Write out a gratitude list.
2. Get some scraps of paper.
3. Write a different item you are grateful for on each slip of paper.
4. Fill the bag.
5. When filled with self pity or negativity, pull slips of paper out of
the bag until you feel grateful.
6. Put paper back in bag for future use.
7. Always feel free to add to the bag when something new to be grateful
for comes to your mind.

Pretty neat, huh? Well, I certainly think so. I think I may make mine a GRATITUDE BOX...and I will decorate it...and celebrate that I do indeed feel so much gratitude so much of the time. Life is as good as I believe it to be. ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE. ATTITUDE!!!!!!

It was a really good meeting and it reminded me that when there is half a glass of something it is my attitude that determines whether I see that glass as half full or half empty. If I focus on the positive, then I don't have time for the negatives and I certainly feel much better if I am in that positive space that only I can take me to.

Today is the day that I have been given. I shall be glad and rejoice in it.

Plotting & Planning

2009-03-23T06:14:00.003-04:00

I woke up at 5 AM with a kidney call...haven't been able to get back t o sleep. I spent 40 minutes lying & trying to no avail. UGH! It's may be a long day! Well, it had to start sometime, right? On the bright, I am not tired per se but my eyes are heavy. For one experiencing a bit of mania, that's actually a very good sign.

My 'to-do' list is quite extensive. Of course, I ascribe to the theory that a 'to-do' list should get done....EVENTUALLY! Well, over the course of the next few days I will get all this STUFF done while adding to it whatever else comes up...which will get done sooner or later. I never got the point of sweating over doing everything immediately. Jeepers! I'm only one person. However, writing down what I need to do gives me attainable goals that I can see and visible results for my efforts. It's Organization 101 for me. I laugh when folks tell me how I am so naturally organized. I AM SO NOT NATURALLY ORGANIZED!!! LMAO I have to work at it and remember every little trick that I have ever learned, but remember and utilize I do...regularly. Life would be too unmanageable if I didn't. Putting things in writing (my datebook & calendar are my lifelines) and sticking to a routine helps with organization as well. I recommend organization to anyone who has never tried it.

Geez, it's 7:30ish and I've already crossed off 2 1/2 things on my 'to-do' list. Blogging was on my 'to-do' list. LMAO

I have a bunch ESSC stuff to do. I am trying to gather a committee together to look into the possibility of a big fall event....music, craft/flea market, field day kinda thang. I've already recruited a bunch of people to my cause. I'm very excited. I know with my mind in high gear I can come up with ideas and all, but I do suspect the mania will wear off sooner or later. Assistance is required to bring a good, solid concept to fruition. So far so good. The duckies seem to be cooperating and getting in line.

Venue may be the biggest challenge. We could solicit the town for use of public property but that didn't turn out so well with the old armory. One official offered it to us only to have another rescind the offer due to 'issues' with the property. Of course, politicking aint our strong suit at the club. And it doesn't help that we incorporated as an LLC because the cost of being a 501c(3) was prohibitive at the time. STEPPING STONES! These things are simply stepping stones.

***AN ASIDE: At a meeting one time I heard someone say that the difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is who we use them. Makes sense to me. In actuality what's the difference between the cow sh*t that gives the country air it's distinctive essence and fertilzer?

Just got an email. I have to track down the kid. She's having a difficult time and has been placed. Gonna make some phone calls to see if I can make contact. Her attitude gets her in more trouble!

Manic Monday...Manic Tuesday...Manic Wednesday...

2009-03-18T20:39:00.002-04:00

I walked to the morning meeting at the club today. What a glorious day for walking! Afterward, I went over to the gym at the community center and worked out for a bit then walked home. I landed long enough to check my emails and do a couple of chores here before heading out to the college.

I managed to find the 9-volt battery to stop the damn smoke detector from chirping in that annoying manner that only a smoke detector can succeed in chirping in. Small victories count when the alternative is defeat at the hands of an inexpensive electronic nuisance. I have a smoke detector in my kitchen and in my bedroom (less than 6 feet apart) and I have one at the bottom of the stairwell by the door. I should think one in the attic would have been in order as well. That seems like a more likely place for a fire to start undetected. Duh! Well, 3 of those things in a 3 room apartment is surely enough for my standards.

On the way to the college Lisa from church stopped (actually she turned around and then stopped) to ask if I needed a ride. I was a few feet from the entrance to QV at that point. I am continually amazed that people find it damn near impossible to believe that I walk because I enjoy walking. I find an empowerment in it that I truly enjoy. It comes with a sense of independence and accomplishment. I find it reinforces all the positive things that I am doing. Keep in mind, this is just not my mania speaking. I feel this all the time when I set upon whatever journey putting one foot in front of the other. It's what I do. It's become a part of who I am.

Joey wants me to keep his car here for him while he is in the island doing his thing. The guy at the garage says it does not start which is just fine by me. I think about how easy it would be to get into those old ("bad") habits of just hopping in a car and going. It's nice for shopping and big errands to have access to a vehicle which is something I can usually negotiate if need be. This different pace of life is so much a joy to me. I also enjoy the fact that I am not spending almost all my disposable income on gas and insurance and taxes and registration and repairs. I get to make other choices on how I spend my money. That's pretty kewl.

Back from the tangent...

I got to the college and couldn't find Ann...the reason I had gone over there in the first place. I had a lovely conversation with SuHa. We chatted for a bit and then I headed to the auditorium where I caught up with Ann. We had a nice visit. I got to sign her quilt. Funny, I knew I was gonna sign it 'Puppet' cause I put some thought into that but I did not take the time to think out what message I was gonna write. Details! Details! Details! I figured it out. The thoughts always come and the words follow. It wasn't profound but it was real and that's the important part to me.

I hiked home and managed to do a few more chores. There's always something to do, isn't there? Well, that's good for me right now. I have lots of energy and I NEED to work it off. I called and arranged my ride from Price Chopper to the "Never on Time" meeting in the morning. I will take the transit bus up to Putnam. I like the convenience of the bus. It does get me to where I need to go in a reasonably timely sort of fashion.

I made a slamming supper. I had started to marinate the pork chop yesterday so it had time to be delightfully flavorful. YUM! Then I fried up some spinach in olive oil with onion, garlic, salt, pepper and Romano cheese and topped the meal off with half of one of those mini corn muffins. They are so cute! I have a full dinner for tomorrow night with the leftovers. If you think cooking for one or two is difficult, it's just cause you aint cooked for my diet!!! It's challenging to say the least. I want to make big batches of everything. Well, I am getting better...progress not perfection.

I hoofed it to the meeting tonight. It was well worth it. The speaker was incredible. I found a missing piece of my puzzle, as it were. Folks talk about how they had good times partying, how they used to drink socially and I have never 'gotten' that. For me it was about dissolving that barrier so I felt like a part of the crowd. I used it to create the illusion that I didn't feel like an outsider but without a substance I always did. Getting sober has changed that in ways I can't quite comprehend so explaining them is not gonna happen at this point. More clarity will come with time. It always has.

I was sitting in the meeting at toward the end all hyped up. I was having trouble sitting still. I could feel the energy of the mania coursing through me. It gets pretty intense at times. I had tried cutting back on my caffeine, telling myself that was the cause. I knew better but I didn't want to acknowledge that. Now, granted, caffeine is not my friend about now. I really don't need any substance giving me any more energy.

I left a message for my doctor and my therapist a couple of days ago but haven't heard from them. Time flies with this mania. I've lost track of the fact that was Monday when I called them. The agency has communication issues and they don't always deliver messages as they should. Been there done that on this one before. So, I put a note on my desk calendar to call tomorrow. This flying without a net crap is just that...CRAP! It is up to me to be proactive. I have to pay attention to not letting time fly by me. This IS my life after all. Who better to live it than me? Who better to take charge of the parts of it that need to be taken charge of?

I could keep writing for hours. REALLY! My racing thoughts do not require documentation however. I need to do what I have to do online and then get my computer shut down so I can get to bed at a decent hour. I have an early wake up call. Besides, giving in to the urge to stay up late and get up early just compounds the problem. Proper sleep is essential, especially now.

So, I'm zipping outta here!

THE NATIVES ARE RESTLESS....UGH!

2009-03-15T21:12:00.002-04:00

Most of the time I don't even know I have neighbors. This is NOT one of those times. I don't what the hell is wrong with those folks but sometimes it just seems that they blow a head gasket. I am so freakin grateful to be single! TRUST ME!

He was screaming something (peppered with much profanity) about her having a 5 year old daughter and what kind of mother would be downstairs (visiting a neighbor?) when their kid is upstairs. Then the doors start slamming and someone is revving the motor on the car...the car that she broke the driver's side window out of last week...in front of her kid. The little girl was yelling to someone...mommy or daddy...I suppose whichever one left through the slamming door.

I've got this ball in my stomach, kinda like I swallowed a whole brick without chewing first. Tossing my cookies would be a relief right now. Really.

The other neighbor was arguing with his fiance (don't marry him lady) earlier today or yesterday. I forget. It's kind of a gray recollection. He was hollering cause the tape he put on the back door (sick puppy) wasn't broke but he was sure she had snuck out the front door while he was away.

Yuppers! It is entirely possible that I have lunatics on BOTH sides of me. This isn't normal, right? I mean, I've lived other places and not had all this madness and mayhem going on around me. Was it just a fluke that I never heard anything like this before? I mean, I've lived it before...but I haven't been on the sidelines of it. I don't believe that I care for this perspective one bit, thank you very much. For 13 1/2 years I lived this until I got sober and sane and realized I could walk away.

God help me to throw up or stop shaking...or anything else that might help about now. The car has pulled out of the driveway and it is quiet now. Still, I wait for the other shoe to drop. It just feels like that will happen. I believe that is the feeling known as foreboding. Sucks to live that again.

I'd like to go into my room, shut the door, turn the radio on and crawl under the covers. Well, that's a hell of a thing. I have other things to get done right now. So, I took some ginger in the hopes it would make my tummy happy and I will grab my to-do list and go about my business. Tomorrow I will reread what I've written here. I'll need to do that with a little perspective garnered from the passage of time. Perhaps that will make it make more sense to me. This is too guttural to be dealt with rationally in the here and now.

As for the rest of my day...well that went rather well. I got my ride to church in the morning...good sermon. Deep. I got some things done here and then it occurred to me that it was too beautiful day to stay inside so I got out and walked the "block." Well, it was actually a 3.5 mile jaunt that took me down North Street to Maple and then down Rock Avenue and back down 12 to get home. What a wonderful day to be out and about, taking it all in!!!

I took some photos while I was out. I have to get a good look at them on my computer. I have an idea...just an inkling of what I want to do with them. They aren't the beautiful scenery type pictures. I was just inspired with a thought while I was walking. I had grabbed my camera cause it seems when I don't, there is always something I do want to take a picture of with the fool thang. Details to follow but don't expect film at eleven. It's a digital camera for crying out loud. Besides, I have to sit on it and see where inspiration takes me.

I baked a piece of fish for supper and it came out mahvelous dahling, absolutely mahvelous. I still got it!!! Oh yea, I can cook. I had some broccoli on the side...loaded it up with salt. That will have to do until I can get that salt lick set up in my kitchen. Hopefully that will convince my blood pressure that it doesn't have to bottom out just cause it can. We'll see about that one! LOL (I know...it's not funny, it's serious stuff but even if it is no laughing matter, it is no matter if I laugh).

The St. Alban's meeting was very good tonight...step 9. I heard a lot of good things. There was such a positive energy in the room. I'm looking forward to the morning meetings (Monday and Wednesday at 9 AM over at the club). I do so like to start the day out right. That'll do it for me!

Well, that's all the news that isn't news which is why you are reading it here instead of in the Hartford Courant. LMSAO

Just another day in paradise....

2009-03-14T22:31:00.002-04:00

LMAO!!!

I had a very good day...nothing too exciting or too stressful...just another ordinary day in the ordinary life of an ordinary person. That's nice!

I made it to the hospital meeting this morning. That is such a good meeting...heard lots of good things...got to see lots of friends. It's a lovely way to begin the day, fer sure.

I had time to come home and regroup before Linda's 60th birthday party this afternoon. It was a lovely time. The club was abuzz with lots of well-wishers. We laughed, we talked, we caught up on each others lives. I had a chance to visit with some folks I hadn't seen in quite a while. I took lots of pictures which I am posting discretely on Facebook. This is turning into quite the lengthy process. The tab system on my Firefox browser sure comes in handy at a time like this. I can peruse the internet while I upload pictures on another tab. Whew! It would be way too boring to have to just wait for the process to do its thing!

I do want to get all the photos uploaded tonight. That will preclude the possibility that I forget to finish. This damn muddle age thang really messes with my memory sometimes. LOL

Tommy and I had a really good conversation today. He is turning into such a fine young man. It's always a joy to have a chance to talk to him and tune into what is on his mind. I am constantly amazed about the breadth and depth of his interests and by the mature perspectives of one so young.

I reminded him of the day, a few years ago now, when we were in church at St. Philip's and his 8 or 9 year old self said, "keep coming" after the Lord's Prayer...during Sunday mass. It's one of those 'special' moments that I remember and hold dear. There were a bunch of us 'program' people there who burst out laughing while the rest of the congregation was just flat out bewildered by our laughter. Maybe you had to be there to 'get it.' Maybe you have to be 'one of us' to enjoy it. For us it was a bonding experience.

Well, I only have two more photos to upload after this batch gets posted. YAY! 'Bout time!! I guess I overestimate the technology. I expect that I should be able to upload pictures quick, fast and in a hurry. NOT SO! All things take time...Things I Must Endure. Ah yes, that magic word that keeps coming at me from all angles.

Well, speaking of time...it is about time for me to hit the hay. I am so ready to lay my head down and let slumber carry me away to dreamland. Tonight it will be a delight for my head to hit the pillow....IF I CAN EVER FINISH UPLOADING THESE FOOLS PICTURES. Soon, very, very soon...they will all be posted very soon.

Good night to all!

Fear, doubt and insecurity....

2009-03-13T23:05:00.003-04:00

Fear, doubt and insecurity are a part of my make up. I engage in them as naturally, as instinctively as breathing. Maybe that is why they are such fundamental parts of my essence. While I can change a thought, instincts come from that which precedes thought, from the genetic programming that insures survival of the species.

I was thinking about that tonight. It doesn't take much to get me thinking. REALLY! Not much at all.

I was wondering, what does a bird a think the first time it falls from the nest? Does it know that it should be able to fly? Does it know that one day it will be able to glide through air as if it were the wind itself?

FAITH. What exactly does that word mean? To the birds of the air? To me? To human beings in general?

I've heard that faith is the absence of fear. Yet that thought does not quite ring true. When I face my fears utilizing my faith, then and only then do I possess the courage to conquer those fears. I heard once in an old war movie that courage was not the absence of fear but rather that it is what one does in the facing their fears.

Do birds fear flying? Do young birds doubt that they can fly? Do they have faith in their potential to soar above the solid earth?

The human mind is a terrible thing to waste...or is it? Do I let myself get in the way of me too often? Do I let myself get in the way of life too often? Note to self: stop second guessing yourself so much. LOL

If I let go and let god (group of drunks, good orderly direction*, your standard concept of an higher power, dog spelled backwards)I am walking on water in a spiritual sense. What a concept! I too can soar if I allow myself the freedom, if I remove the bondage of self. Hmmm!

*my personal favorite folks!

Busy is good!

2009-03-05T22:01:00.002-05:00

It's been a whirlwind couple of days. Yesterday was a blur. By the time I got the car yesterday I had barely enough time to skip down to Plainfield for the digital box and then scoot over to Pomfret for the 12:30 meeting. I gabbed a bit afterward and then I was off to the Post Office and then to the laundry mat to put my clothes in the washers. Then...to the police station to get my license in order and to the community cneter to join the gym. Of course, by then I had to go back and put my laundry in the dryer while I trekked down to Stop & Shop and Lowe's. I got back in time to grab my laundry and be a bit late returning the car. I got home, grabbed a protein bar and walked over to Broad Street and came home after the meeting to cook a bit of something substantial. Whew!

And today was just as hectic. I worked around the house, doing some chores. The lock I bought at Lowe's is causing me problems so I compromised and placed it on the inside door then called the landlord to let him know I was perfectly happy with it where it was but the outside door situation had not changed though it isn't really an issue...it's a damn double door scenario, hey.

I walked downtown to the post office to mail some things (my mailbox is not up yet) and then hit the town hall so I could register to vote in Killingly. After that I stopped at the library to trade in my Woodstock card for a Killingly one. Details! Details! Details!

The kicker is, I will keep thinking of things that I have to do to be an official Killingly resident over the next few weeks. Hey! At least I get around to these things eventually. It's hard trying to figure out what all I have to do. Jeepers! You'd think since I went through this just this past July it would all be in the forefront of my muddle aged mind. RIGHT! Like that is some kind of option.

OHMIGAWD! That reminds me...I had the hot flash from hell during the meeting last night. It occurs to me that there are only so many layers one can take off in a public place without creating a scene. I was really tempted to test the limits of that thar boundary. I damn near spontaneously combusted right there in the church basement. I am so grateful that doesn't happen too often.

I suspect that's why menopause has a reputation for being hell. It's about the sudden rising of one's body temperature without warning. I felt possessed of hell for a time last night. If this keeps up I am going to have to invest in flame retardant clothing and asbestos underwear!

Well, it is early to rise tomorrow. I am meeting Anne for breakfast then we will stop by Sue's (not me silly, the other Sue..duh) to pick up a couple of plastic bins I need to get out of her way. Later I will be going to Hartford with Mel...to the Institute for Living. She's got an appointment down there.

Saturday is the Corned Beef dinner at the club. Mary Lou is gonna scoot into town to grab me for house sitting and we will stop by there on our way to Willi. Sunday is an Ashley kinda day. Monday is Stew and Story at church (I'm one of the cooks) and then Wednesday I head to New Haven myself.

I have a couple of options for Tuesday night...speaking in Waterford or a toy party. Hmm...wonder what Sue will end up doing. Details to follow. I get back into town on Wednesday night.

Having said all that...if I don't post here for a few days...DEAL WITH IT! I have a life for Pete's sake. LMAO

Busy is good!

...peaceful...

2009-03-02T11:06:00.002-05:00

The snow has stopped falling for now. There's a pristine blanket of snow hugging the earth, wrapping it in a sense of fresh and calm and clean. All the noise in the world couldn't detract from the quiet acceptance of what is unchangeable...the weather, the past, life on life's terms. Winter reminds me that what is, just is. I find peace in that thought.

It's not about how I got here. That's the past. What matters is the answer to this, "Where do I go from here? Where do I WANT to go from here?"

Hmmm....

Well, it is the little things in life. I want to get a hair cut. My bangs are driving me nuts again. Hair is so annoying...and baffling. Do I get it cut short like I usually do so I don't have to mess with it for a long time? Do I just get a trim? I like the way it looks mostly. It's just those damn bangs getting in my eyes.

Of course, getting it cut today is just setting myself up. We are supposed to be doing the 'soup and story' thing at church. There's this gal there who always comments on my hair cuts. She starts out pleasant enough, saying it looks good....EXCEPT MY BANGS AREN'T EVEN! EVERY TIME! Well, I am in a feisty mood, so I may just enjoy bantering with her. There's a character defect or shortcoming in that. LMAO

Forgiving her would be the high road.

I'm still learning about forgiveness though. I learn a little more with each lesson. I was thinking about the connotation of 'good.' There'd be no good if there was no bad to measure it against. It's kind of a tally sheet for life when I look at it that way, but life isn't so much a tally sheet. Life is a journey, a process, one hell of a ride sometimes.

I think about that old ARMY commercial, where they want to make you "all that you can be." Hmm...there's a lot of that 'all' in me that aint so good. STUMBLING BLOCKS. But, if I turn that into trying to be the best that I can be I can find the path again. STEPPING STONES.

Yes, indeed, where do I go from here? CHOICES! I can make good ones or bad ones. There's that dichotomy again. Hmm...

DIRECTION! I like that concept. It works with my journey analogy. Life isn't about standing still. Sobriety isn't about standing still. If I'm not walking away from a drink or a drug, then I am most certainly walking toward my next one.

WHERE DO I WANT TO GO FROM HERE?

WHAT'S THE NEXT RIGHT THING?

I can start in a direction and then choose another. Nothing is carved in stone. I won't always make the best decisions but that doesn't mean that I can't make other/better/different decisions later.

I am right where I am supposed to be, but I am not where I am supposed to stay. Everything that I have done up until this moment has gotten me here. For that, I am grateful. I like where I am at today. I like who I am today. My past is the bridge that brought me to this new land of hope and opportunity. It is up to me from here on out...

Holy Hot Air Balloon Batman!!!

2009-02-28T23:17:00.002-05:00

OHMIGAWD!!!

I keep burping...and burping...and burping. I'm not sure where it is coming from anymore. My toes maybe? I'm 100% certain that I don't have this much room in my stomach anymore. So, where the hell is it coming from?

I've been 'off' for days...crampy and bloated and gassy, but hey, I know Mother Nature can be a real b*tch sometimes. This has been one of those times. I mean, the hormonal headache is no picnic, but it happens every so often.

Maybe having caught a cold going into this months trials and tribulations has exacerbated things. Who knows? This low-grade headache has been hanging on for days now. I would be most delighted to have it go on its merry...or not so merry...way.

Perhaps I have the beginning of a sinus infection...but I have absolutely NEVER associated burping with a sinus issue. That's a new one on me! I'll try snorting some more water again...and again...and again. I might as well do something. Horizontal is not working for me, tired though I am. My stomach is pretty messed up and unhappy and telling me all about it...from both ends right now.

I'd almost like to toss my cookies, 'cept I don't think I have any ammunition to accomplish that feat. That's a hell of a note, aint it? Of course there's that gnarly post-nasal drip...EWWWWW!

Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Getting ready to take on the day!

2009-02-26T09:51:00.002-05:00

I've taken my morning meds, eaten breakfast, read my emails and caught up on a bit of the news. Now it is time to take on the day.

I am feeling sooo lazy. I haven't even hit the shower yet and it is damn near 10 AM. LOL

S'alright though. I am going to 'clean up my act' and get dressed. I am scheduled to be in Waterford for 1 PM. I'm looking forward to the ride. I do so enjoy traveling by car. The last two days have been walking days...to QV anc back on Tuesday and to United Services and back yesterday along with a walk to Broad Street both evenings.

It feels so good to be walking so much again. I notice I am walking faster and getting places quicker. Folks still stop to ask me if I'd like a ride. Bless them! I have a lot of friends who don't "GET" that I do this walking thing not just because I have to but rather because I really do enjoy it. I find it empowering. I remember when I first got sober, someone would always be asking me if I was willing to go to any lengths. Truth be told, I woulda done whatever just because I couldn't stand the pain anymore. I think about those things when I walk to meetings...how far I've come...how putting one foot in front of the other has made all the difference in the world to me...the steps necessary for change. It's a meditation time that I really find quite pleasant. Walking just feels so right!

Well, I am going to print up some flyers for the Corned Beef & Cabbage Dinner on the 7th and some of the Linda B-day flyers...which I can talk about here since Linda doesn't do the internet so I can't ruin the surprise part of the party in this forum! LMAO So much to do! It's good to be busy!!!

A GRATEFUL HEART!!!

2009-02-24T20:54:00.002-05:00

It took a lot to get me here. I messed up! I screwed up! I f*cked up! I spent a lot of time ripping and running. I ripped through life trying to run away from me, running from my emotions, running from my life, running from my responsibilities. It took a lot of running before I was ready to land squarely in sobriety, my feet planted in reality willing to deal with life on life's terms.

I made a lot of mistakes. I'm grateful for each and every one. They helped me to find the gift of desperation. They helped to break me. They helped me to reach out to my higher power and to a bunch of drunks for what I needed. I had to be broken for the real work to have a chance to begin.

I wouldn't change a thing about my past, sordid as some parts of it are notwithstanding. I had to go through what I went through. I had to find my own bottom. I like where I am at today. I like who I am today. I know I am right where I am supposed to be even as I acknowledge that this is not where I am supposed to stay. Life...recovery (I know longer draw a distinction between the two) is a journey not a destination. If I am not moving forward, then I am certainly headed in the wrong direction.

I am grateful for what I have been given. I am grateful for what has been taken away. I am grateful for what is left. I have learned that it is far better to embrace what I have than to pine for what I do not have. Life is good. My life is good.

It would be so easy to take total and complete credit for where I am at today but I know that isn't how I got here. I couldn't do this alone. God knows I tried time and again. I had to ask for help. I had to learn to accept the help that was offered. I had to be desperate enough to begin the process and willing enough each step of the way to do the next right thing. The tools to do that and the direction to take did not come from me. Those things came from those who shared their experience, strength and hope. I followed a well worn path tread by those who came before me. To those souls I shall be forever grateful.

Thank you for 6 years...one day at a time!

OHMIGAWD!!!

2009-02-24T16:40:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here innocently enough when this lightening bolt of pain rips through my head. JEEPERS! As if the cramps weren't bad enough!!! Those lightening bolts of pain are usually a harbingers of an impending hormonal migraine. UGH! Estrogen is NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT my friend!

I know I shouldn't complain. I have enough fingers to count the number of times I have had to endure cramps in my whole damn lifetime. Still...

I swear, if I went through this on a regular basis, as some women have to, I would have had them pull my ovaries out a long time ago. It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....It's only once in a blue moon that I have any discomfort....

MOTHER NATURE CAN BE A REAL BITCH!!!

I feel like there is a donkey kicking me in the gut and a Clydesdale is kicking me in the back...and someone just dropped a damn horse shoe into my head and it is pinging around like the silver ball in the pinball machine causing pain every time it hits a damn bumper. ESTROGEN SUCKS!!! Menopause, take me away!!!!!

I'm going to go rest and have a talk with my dear ovaries. Maybe I will share some omelet recipes with them. That'd serve'em right!!! It's time for psychological warfare!!!!

I'm a muddle aged woman...my eggs aint all they are cracked up to be anymore!

I used to think my brain was scrambled...not I suspect my brain and my ovaries are both scrambled.

So, I'm reading a friend's blog....

2009-02-22T23:11:00.002-05:00

...about grow lights in the basement and laughing myself silly. I had grow lights in my basement once. I can talk about that now cause the statue of limitations has run out. Of course, there was no real crime in my actions. That was when I discovered that I really do not have a green thumb. I gave it my best shot mind you, but alas, cultivation was never a crime that I excelled at. And, I am sure even the best of jurists would be unable to convict me for subjecting large quantities of dirt to full spectrum lighting. Okay, it wasn't THAT bad...there were some sticks with an occasional leaf that sprouted...AND THEN SUMMARILY DIED A PROMPT YET UGLY DEATH!!!

The idea that someone would put grow lights in their basement to start legitimate seeds for a legal garden is absolutely astonishing to me! I just didn't know what I didn't know. I wonder what horticultural whiz first came up with that rather novel concept? What else can I say? I am just floored! Absolutely floored!!!! That folks can get things to grow indoors is befuddling to my poor agriculturally challenged mind. It is apparent to me that some of the folks I know are downright amazing!!!!

It's been a whirlwind day for me. I got up late so I barely had time to get ready for my ride to church. I was trying to take care of some rather mundane projects...fix the shade for my bedroom window (accomplished, I think)...switch the door on the fridge so that it opens into the kitchen instead of toward the living room (there were some complications there)...use speaker wire to set up an impromptu antenna for my boombox (seems to be working)...

WHEN KENT CALLS ABOUT THE END OF THE MONTH BUSINESS MEETING AT THE CLUB. I had spaced that out. I headed over for that so I could take notes and get the newsletter ready for this month then I hung out for a bit and grabbed a ride to the meeting at St. Alban's. I've been home since just before 9 PM and I am still going.

I put together a flyer for the new Friday night Big Book meeting in Danielson at the East Side Social Club so the information can get out at the District meeting tomorrow night. I also managed to call Carrie for a few. We chatted fora bit and I mentioned the Sound Community Services program I saw online. She didn't seem overly impressed, but hey, that's not on me. I just passed along what I had found out.

Tomorrow morning I will be going with Papa Smurf to Norwich. He does his radiation at Backus and then we will be off to the soup kitchen meeting down there. I'm looking forward to the meeting and it will be nice to visit with him. It will be a pleasant change of pace for both of us.

Well, it's time for this gal to be hitting the hay. I could write on and on. I just had to post the grow light thing. I am absolutely amazed. Never! Never have I consciously heard of anyone growing legal things with grow lights in their basements. Damn! I have to get out more! REALLY!!!!! Maybe meet some more people...of the earth people variety. That's just incredible...........

Change Is Good, Right?

2009-02-19T11:09:00.002-05:00

Well, I was gonna do a lot of things today. Among them going to visit my great aunt at the nursing home. Of course, with this ICK, there is no way I can do that. I don't want to get her or anyone else sick.

I am going to lay down for a few (hours probably) so I will be rested for my trip to Waterford tonight. If I feel up to it I may even do the 8 PM meeting at St. James in New London. It appears to be right up the road from the house that Carrie is in. A different meeting would be a nice change of pace.

Oh well! Gotta go! There is a bed upstairs calling my name....

HEALTHY...NO MORE!!!

2009-02-18T22:47:00.003-05:00

Apparently, I am not as healthy I would have liked to believe. I have the ICK...that's a technical term.

Sinus pressure...so I snorted some tepid tap water. Maybe it will help, usually does when my sinuses act up.

Runny nose...with a bit of red irritation underneath for good measure and a bit of colorfulness here and there (mostly in the tissues).

Achy...Oh My Achy, Breaky Body!

And I swear that I have never been this cold in my flipping life. REALLY! I got into a VERRRRRY hot bath...it was uncomfortable to get into it was so hot...and freaking shivered and shivered.

I am going to bed...to sleep...to cover up with as many blankets as I can find...and I will probably sleep with my soft and fuzzy robe on over my jamas...cause I just wanna.

I am supposed to bring Max to his appointment in Willi in the morning. I don't have to be there till 9:30 AM. Here's hoping I feel somewhat human by then. Screw human...I'll settle for not so frackin cold!!!!

Oh yeah, and tomorrow evening I am scheduled to go down to Waterford to do a family thing with Carrie at Stonington. I am so gonna nap in a nice warm bed tomorrow after I get back from Willi!!! I don't usually do that sort of thing, but desperate times call for desperate measures. It's time to take care of Sue...and then I shall see where the day takes me.

I just love cold and flu season. On the bright side, I only have to endure till the nasty bug goes on its merry way. I'm just gonna take it one ache at a time!

Here's a helpful tip for you....DO NOT CATCH THIS!!!!

Ahhhh! Sooo much better!!!

2009-02-14T15:00:00.002-05:00

What a wonderful day it is! I feel like myself again. Even yesterday was a slow day, a down day. Today the tiredness and the headache seem to have gone away...and may they stay away.

So, I am guessing, as per usual, those two vials of blood I gave at the doctor's office yesterday will show nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe it was something viral. That's what the doctor thought. I think it is kinda funny that viral would reappear over the course of a couple two-three decades in the same manner, but what the hell do I know.

I am just grateful to not be tired and to have energy and that THE FOG HAS LIFTED. That's a wonderful thang!

I am going to finish packing the necessities for my house sitting gig. Me and Max are gonna hang out this week. That is so kewl. I just love that dawg. He is so mellow. I'm glad I have an opportunity to "rent" other folks' pets when they go away. I do so enjoy that!!! We will walk and hang out and watch TV and keep each other company. NICE! VERY NICE!!!

Hopefully I will check in while I am away. I have use of the computer for all my 'puting' needs at Jim and Maureen's which is very kewl. I'd go through withdrawal without internet access for a week. Damn! I am so spoiled! LOL

Happy Valentine's Day All You Sweetheart's Out There!!!!

Wipe Out!!!

2009-02-12T14:23:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure what is going on, but I feel terrible today. It started last night when I felt so exhausted all I could do was go to bed at 10 PM. I figured since I've been running and stressing to get things done with less sleep than I should have that it was just all of life on life's terms catching up with me.

I woke up this morning just before 8 AM, still tired, with a headache and I swear to god that I can feel the inflammation in my body. My lips are swollen, my face feels very puffy, my sinuses seemed to be inflamed to an extent and my ankles and my hands seem to have retained some fluid as well. My joints ache and in the shower this morning I noticed that just touching my shins was EXTREMELY painful. That shin thing has been ongoing. I don't know what it is all about. I feel like I could just lay down but I am not especially tired....more lethargic and weak than anything else. I have things to get done but I absolutely do not want to move. My head feels like it is in a fog. UGH!

I have probably caught some nasty bug (aren't they all nasty, though?) that is going around. Well, I don't get sick all that often so I am just might be due for the ick.

I will take it real easy this afternoon. I want to make it to the elections for the Northeast CT New Year's Alkathon committee tonight. I'd consider a nap, but the way I NAP, I'd probably sleep right through 7 PM. I could never do those 20 minute power naps. If I close my eyes, my body goes right to sleep mode. Always has been that way. More power to you folks who can do the power nap thang. That aint me!!!

Well, I am gonna go watch some TV so I can conserve my energy. Imagine me watching TV in the afternoon! That's so NOT my style. LMAO

ODDLY UNENLIGHTENING!

2009-02-10T21:51:00.003-05:00

My last meeting of the day has been very enlightening indeed. Something is churning around inside me. I have some anger issues...LMAO!!!!

I was sharing about my higher power...the god thang...religion and the religionists. I heard myself speaking. Sometimes it is like that at meetings. I get that surreal "outside of myself" perspective. I got that tonight while I was talking. Odd how that happened.

There are thing(s) just below the surface that come up from time to time. I can feel it bubbling up much the same way water reaches a rolling boil. I feel this anger...no, rage...building momentum deep inside of me. I had some experiences back when I was in Kansas...when everybody was like that idiotic moron Fred Phelps' dude...when that was the norm back there..but it feels even deeper than that. It's primal, gut-wrenching, all-consuming when I least expect it.

I want to put my back against the wall and face off with the world. I feel so very defensive. I feel unsafe, unsure, unsettled. I'm not mad at god this time but I am mad at all those folks who "work for him....who speak for him...who act for him."

I want to retreat to a secure place emotionally. I want to run and hide...from me? Hmm. From something or someone, I am not sure who or what? I want to scream. I want to hide. I want to attack. I feel vulnerable in a "my world is crashing" kinda of way yet, I know it isn't. Maybe it is a memory of a feeling...a blast from the past? I just don't know. What I do know is that I have to acknowledge it. There's been a lot of stress in my life lately. Maybe it's just about that. Maybe a good night's sleep is the answer. I wish I knew what the question was! I wish I knew what the big picture looked like. It's a swiss cheese kinda thing. I'm not sure I can explain it better than that.

I'll look at it again in the morning, with fresh, well-rested eyes. Maybe then I will see what I am missing tonight. Maybe a nice night's sleep will reduce the heat and eliminate that rolling boil that I am feeling. I'm feeling it again...AGAIN! That again part of it is the oddest of all. Life can be funny like that. This is my "deja sue" world, welcome to it!!!

It's been a loooooong day...and it aint over yet!

2009-02-10T17:19:00.002-05:00

I've been up since 4:30 AM.I had plans to go to the 7 AM meeting in Willi on the way to drop Carrie off at Stonington Institute. Yes! It was the scenic route. I felt a morning meeting would put me in a good frame of mind for my day's journey. I am pleased to report that I was 100% correct.

I am so tired. It didn't help that I woke up every 45 minutes to an hour last night. I knew I had to be up by 5 AM to be on schedule. I always psych myself out when I have to get up early to be somewhere.

I managed to make it back into town for the noontime meeting at the college. I brought a friend there for the first time. She liked the meeting. She's looking for a local sponsor. The only way to find one of them is to do meetings, meetings and more meetings. Oy vay!

I had to wait for the plumber who showed up at 2 PM...just like he said he would. Of course, being concerned about the running water and waiting for him caused me to totally space out my appointment with my psychiatrist and my therapist today. I got to see my therapist...hurried down there after I got a phone call from United Services. Some days I feel so blonde. Sleep deprivation is not my friend. REALLY!!!!

Rachel has been on my mind lately. We buried her at this time of year. Perhaps that's why she is on my mind. I remember her funeral. I remember watching her 16 month old son playing in the funeral home while mom was the "guest of honor." I don't think I've ever seen anything so obscene as that juxtaposition of "the absolute promise of the hope of childhood" and the utter hopelessness of this disease called addiction. I think of Carrie's daughters' and I cringe.

And tonight I will be going to yet another meeting. It's been that kind of day for me. The Carrie thing is weighing heavy on my mind. I can only do what I can do. I know that. But, this disease is so cunning, baffling and powerful. It's very scary. I've been to too many funerals, seen too many die too young. Whatever will be, will be. It's just that some days the writing on the wall seems more legible than on other days. Prayers, good wishes and positive thoughts would all be appreciated.

Boundaries....ugh!

2009-02-08T21:18:00.002-05:00

I really have had a productive day. I got to church, to a meeting and to the laundromat.

I let Carrie use my phone to make some phone calls...to rehabs. She'll follow up tomorrow. I told her she could come back to use the phone. As much as I would like to give her a place to stay until she can find an inpatient situation for herself, I know that is not the right thing for either of us.

I was in Jewett City with Carrie when Miss Sunshine called for Carrie...on my pay as you go cell phone. It was all to get a number for a drug dealer...for Vicodin's. I just fired off a flipping email. I am sure that I will be in the dog house for my honesty...and utter lack of diplomacy. I am not going to play the "I don't know what's going on" game. I do know the score and I don't want to enable anyone's addiction. It's not my job to cosign anyone else's bullshit. Friends call friends on shit and that's what I did. It was much nicer via email than it would have been live and in person. I certainly can't make anyone else make good choices, but I also don't have to assist them in making poor choices.

Carrie tried to cover when I confronted her. I was sure it wasn't about the crack dealer but I was also sure it was about pills. I looked her in the eye and said "Bullshit, I am not stupid. I know it's about the narcotics" and she stammered and then shut up. I had hit the nail on the head. I am an addict for pete's sake. I know the drill. I know the suspicious behavior, the low tone of voice on the phone thing, the glancing up at me that says I hope she doesn't catch on to what this is about.

This disease is indeed cunning, baffling and powerful. I aint playing it. I aint playing it for me and I aint playing it for anyone else either. The disease of addiction will take me out any way it can. I don't intend to go out like that. YUP! I'm mad. I am mad at this disease. I'm pissed that it can reach in and grabbed people I care about by the throat and they will go willingly, as if hell is a pleasant destination.

I am grateful that I see the insanity, that I recognize it, that I can set boundaries to defend against it. I am grateful to be clean and sober today, to enjoy the life that I am living today. God bless the addicts that don't have that. God bless them!!!

Home Sweet Home

2009-02-04T22:39:00.002-05:00

Today was a good day! I put up curtains in the bedroom and the kitchen. The curtain over the sink is too short. Details! Details! Details1 Well, I guess I will have to work on that sooner or later.

My bigger project is getting curtains up in the living room. My desk is in front of the window by the porch and between the lack of privacy and the afternoon sun, something must be done! I am so not a domestic goddess! I will adapt, but it may take me some time. I will do my domestic thang on the remedial program. LOL

Tomorrow I will hit Price Chopper in Putnam and do some shopping. It's my favorite grocery store. Interestingly enough, grocery shopping will be rather quick. My food requirements have gone waaaaay down since the surgery.

I managed to pick up some Kashi Go Lean (seriously high protein) cereal at Target today...and at a very good price. Served as a quick cereal the stuff simply sucks. I add a heaping teaspoon of milled flax seed, a small handful of trail mix (raisin & nuts), Splenda (or Stevia) and hot milk...and serve as a hot cereal. YUMMY! I highly recommend it! If you've tried it without the doctoring and didn't like it, try something a bit creative and you may find it more palatable. This is my idea of 'COOKING' breakfast.

Tomorrow is gonna be a busy day for me. I have lots of running around to do and I may fit in a meeting or two as well. For right now, I am just plain old fashioned tired so I think I shall hit the hay so I can start again tomorrow.

Mission Accomplished!!!

2009-02-01T09:16:00.003-05:00

Yuppers! I did it! I am all moved in and settled in too. How 'bout dat? I think it's pretty damn kewl.

David, Ed, Peter, Mark, Beth and I got most of the furniture here on Friday. Yesterday Rich and I moved the bureau and other items from Charlie's house after the morning meeting.

MY APARTMENT LOOKS GOOD!!!!!! FEELS GOOD TOO!

Last night, oddly enough, I fell asleep in front of the TV around 9:30ish. When I woke up around 11 I took my sorry butt straight to bed. I guess getting up at 5 AM and going to bed late on Friday along with all the work I did moving, cleaning and putting things away on Friday and Saturday had me a bit wiped out. It's a good feeling to be tired from doing all that kind of work.

My ride to church just called. I am going to toss on my coat and head out. This is her first time coming to get me (obviously, I'm at the new place). So I want to be out front so she can find me easily. Today is the annual church meeting.

I may go to the club later for Super Sunday. Of course, that depends on how I feel later. I have, after all, had a very full weekend so far. LMAO

IN A HOLDING PATTERN....(no more)

2009-01-28T09:02:00.003-05:00

Bureaucracies and behemoth systems drive me nuts! It's a short commute for me, but still, the insanity comes. I feel like I am banging my head against the flipping wall.

The nice lady at TVCCA wants me in my apartment by February 1st. In theory, that's a great idea. Of course, if she would get back to me with some freaking paperwork to effect that end, it would be so much easier. Hell, I aint even fussy bout da paperwork at this point. I've called so many times THIS WEEK (and is it only Wednesday) that I a can't use one hand to count anymore. Knowing my portion of the rent would be like so ENLIGHTENING. If the landlord and I get no paperwork form them he is going to want the whole amount from me for 1st month. I don't have the extra couple, two, three hundred to play around with.

I am getting very frustrated. Today is not a good day for a ride to Norwich but I may be down there tomorrow. I really don't think my odds of getting an answer today are really very good.

SOOOOOO...PROMPTED BY THE MEANDERINGS OF MY OWN MIND ON MY OWN BLOG,I MADE SOME PHONE CALLS. Houston, I have a dollar figure!!! Whoa! Doing the footwork pays off. I don't have to go to Norwich...YEAH! (nothing 'gainst Norwich, mind you, just a long way to go for nothing but bureaucratic bull-oney!)

Well, my day just got immeasurably better and I feel so much less stressed at the moment. Now I have to coordinate all the help I have for the weekend. I want to get in on Friday and Saturday. Sunday is our annual parish meeting and SUPER BOWL SUNDAY...both facts that limit my number of helpers for Sunday.

I am feeling much more optimistic. Yeehaw! Of course, it still feels like I am moving in on a hope and a prayer...but that's what faith is all about for me. It will work out. After all, life is a journey, not a destination. What a wild ride sometimes!!!

I am going to hop in the shower and see if my day can get even better. I woke up with a slightly swollen face and a headache and with my joints stiff and aching. Oye Vay! A nice warm, steamy shower, some soothing Dove body wash with menthol, add a good bit of almond oil over my ever-dry skin (...no towel drying allowed) and I should be golden...and able to move without undue stiffness. Welcome to my morning ritual! LOL I actually enjoy taking the extra time to take care of me. I figure I deserve the special attention.

And who knows, this being one them snow days and all, I may just pop in and add another entry a bit later on. I have been remiss in posting to my blog with all the hustle and bustle of getting my ducks in a row for the apartment. I like to think that things have settled down now. You don't think I am being too optimistic, do you? LMAO

Dear God, I pray for the cure for cancer...

2009-01-20T15:46:00.000-05:00

Tips for a better life

2009-01-15T22:08:00.001-05:00

Tips for a better life

By Nithya Shanti

1. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
3. Sleep for 7 hours.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
5. Play more games.
6. Read more books than you did the previous year.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
11. Drink plenty of water.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
14. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
15. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
16. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
17. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
18. Smile and laugh more.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don't compare your partner with others.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
25. Forgive everyone for everything.
26. What other people think of you is none of your business.
27. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
28. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
29. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
30. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
31. The best is yet to come.
32. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
33. Do the right thing!
34. Call your family often.
35. Your inner most is always happy. So be happy.
36. Each day give something good to others.
37. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
38. Share this with someone you care about (Click the "Share" link below)

For more on wonderful happiness ideas, please join the group "The Happiest Day of Your Life"
http://groups.to/happiness

Some days are diamonds...and some aint!

2009-01-12T16:22:00.002-05:00

Saturday I had an opportunity to go roller skating. It was the first time in something like 18 years...give or take a few months. I had a blast!!! I forgot how much I enjoyed doing that. I skated for probably a little over an hour and never fell down once! AMAZING! I did have to catch myself quite a few times and I did think I was going ass over teakettle a couple of times but I managed to stay up. I got steadier and steadier as I continued.

The last time I skated, I was a lot heavier and went down with a thud much to the chagrin of those watching me...and my poor knee. I hadn't dared to get on roller skates since...well, until Saturday. I felt like I was getting in touch with a part of me that got left by the wayside. It was a very kewl experience, one I want to have again and again. Roller skating is one of those things written on my heart, one of my loves, one of the enthusiasms of my youth. I'm grateful it is still there.

I ended up getting snowed in at Carrie's grandmother's Saturday night. I had a good time, watched a bit of TV, got to talk to Robyn and Kymmy. It was a peaceful thang. Then I managed to get a ride to church (and back) on Sunday morning and even made it to a meeting on Sunday night. What a great weekend in most respects.

I asked that my name be removed from the roster at the club. It's a money thing. It's a chaos thing. It's a "I feel like a freeloader and shouldn't be there" thing. It was so nice to have that pointed out to me so succinctly in a public venue. Feeling humiliated, out-numbered and vulnerable is not what I do best. I did manage to handle it well in public. It's the internal stuff. I grew up being told that one's worth was their net worth. It was always about the financial standard and by that standard I am "less than" and probably always will be. Funny how something can throw me back into that way of thinking so easily. I'll figure out how to work it through. I'll talk to some people. I'll come out the other side so much better for the experience. But, all that takes time. TIME: THINGS I MUST ENDURE.

I'd give my right arm for a pair of roller skates and rink right now. I want that feeling and not this one. Oh, well.

It's Looking Gooooood!!!

2009-01-09T23:09:00.002-05:00

Well, the numbers crunched so the next stage is the inspection of the premises by those thar inspection peoples. I saw nothing they should have issue with so I do believe it will be smooth sailing from here. Time, of course, will prove me right or wrong on that count.

After all, this was the 3rd apartment in the lot. The first didn't work out. The second had a landlady from hell. And, now I am guardedly optimistic. This is the BEST apartment out of the three anyway. I do believe all will be well...regardless.

I am one big itch again...not sure what that is about. The Gold Bond cream is working. Thank goodness!!! That cortisone stuff has always been rather worthless with any kind of rash I've had. My ankles are sore to the touch. I called the doctor about the ankle thing. She said it could wait until my regularly scheduled appointment on the 19th. They are really sensitive though. Putting on creams or lotions is painful, but the dry skin aint so comfy either. Jeepers! Seems it is always something, eh? Well, if I don't make contact then there is no pain. So, I guess if it hurts, maybe I ought not do it. Whoda thunk?

My suspicions were correct. I found out today someone went out last night. That sucks! Not a damn thing I can do about it. I can't work someone else's program. I know that. It does remind me how insidious this disease is. There's no letting down one's guard...my guard. I've seen addiction kill...been to the funerals to prove it. Constant vigilance...and attitude. Being complacent is a sure fire way to get picked off.

I keep hearing the line in the Jerry Reed song, "Lord, Mr. Ford" where he talks about being 4 days lost on a clover leaf. I understand that and it's not about traffic. It took me a long time to figure out I was going nowhere fast. Others have to come to that same conclusion on their own. That's just not the type of thing you can tell someone and MAKE them believe it. Of course, that is frustrating and scary and a whole host of other emotional things. Most importantly, it reminds me that I need a map, a way of navigating that wasn't built into my brain...a dozen steps, lots of tools, faith that it will all get better if I stay away from one drink (or one drug) for one day and the immutable belief that I cannot do it alone....I NEED HELP! I know that stuff works when I work it so I will continue to work it cause I am worth it...and because staying is easier than coming back again and again. That merry-go-round was never very merry.

People pay dearly for the lessons the rest of us learn. This is a fatal, progressive disease that CAN be arrested...but there are never any guarantees. However, paying attention isn't a bad way to hedge one's bet.

Some people can have A drink. I'm not one of those people. Whenever anyone asks me if I wanted A drink, I envision a 55 gallon drum with a handle on it and chuckle because that would just be a start. I have the disease of more. For me, the only way to win is not to play.

Have a good night, one and all! I am going to lay my head down and thank my higher power for another day of sobriety. It really is a precious gift.

God is a funny dude!

2009-01-06T21:15:00.003-05:00

Well, the apartment on Cottage Street is not gonna work out. Methinks the landlady is a fruitloop. On Friday she says the first is fine for a move-in date. Then on Sunday she talks to me and tells me that I have to move in on the 18th cause the old tenant is vacating then and she has other people interested if I don't. Monday she talks to my housing people and tells them she will include the electric in the rent and this morning when I talk to her she says that is not doable. Aye vay! What insanity is this that I am signing up for I ask myself?

So I go to Norwich to find out what I can find out. I get there and there is big note that says no walk-ins. The receptionist points this out to me. I point out to her that they do not return phone messages and it takes them weeks to get back to me about things I send via mail (return receipt required...they are a bureaucracy after all). With a February 1 deadline that just isn't very doable.

So, the receptionist tells me that my worker is out to lunch. I resisted the urge to tell her that they were out to lunch all the time whether they were there or not. Of course, the very moment I thought that it occurred to me that I needed a meeting. I made the 12:30 meeting on West Towne Street and got back in time to deal with the matters at hand...much more rationally than I would have originally. Well, all went well.

I found out the numbers don't work on the apartment with the chaotic landlady. I wasn't feeling real bad about that at all. My worker asked me what I was going to do. I told her that I would go about finding another apartment today. She looked at me like I had my tits on backwards. Well, I am pleased to report that that is exactly what I did.

I contacted the landlord of the apartment that I had liked back in July. As long as the numbers crunch, I have it. It is bigger, brighter and more modern than the one I lost today. I am guardedly optimistic at this point. I would have a February 1st occupancy date. That would give me more time and less stress.

I made another meeting tonight. These are stressful times for me after all. Someone at the meeting asked me what I would do if this apartment fell through. I told her I would call a friend's landlord to see what he had available and if that didn't work out I would pursue other avenues. It's not the end of the world for pete's sake. I can feel the stress but it's not anything that I can't deal with. This is definitely turning into a very interesting process however. Gotta love the bumps in the road!!! LMAO Life is certainly a learning curve.

As good ole Doris Day would say, "Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see. Que sera, sera." Okay, so she'd sing it rather than say it. But you don't wanna hear me sing it. Trust me on this!

FOOTWORK...one step at a time!

2009-01-05T21:26:00.002-05:00

Well, in less than 24 hours I got responses to my HELP email from folks. If all works out and I do get the apartment, I shall be all set for furniture and assorted furnishings. It's a blessing to know so many good-hearted folks who want to help me out. I am so grateful for the friends that I have. Now all I have to do is get the rest of it to come together.

Tomorrow if I can borrow a car I will go down to Norwich to talk to the housing folks there. They never answer their phones, nor do they respond to their voice messages. Either way, I need to know how to proceed. I cannot let this deadline slip past me or it will be that much harder to accomplish this goal.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, please. I need all the help I can get. I am dealing with a bureaucracy here folks. UGH! They can be such unwieldy beasts!!!

I took a nice long bath tonight, with lots of bath oil to unwind from the stress of the day. I know things will work out the way they are supposed to, but I worry and stress a bit more than I should...AND I KNOW IT. I just haven't figured out how to NOT do that yet. I'm working on it.

The bath was wonderful. My skin feels so soft now. I sat for a bit in the water and then turned on the jets for a while to relax away the stress of the day. Five and a half years at Morin Avenue with just a shower stall and I forgot how delightful an escape a quiet bath can be. Ahhhhhhh! I highly recommend it!!! Of course, there is one of those HUGE tubs with the jets here. I will miss that in my new place, but at least there is some kind of bathtub on the premises. LOL

Oh well. I am going to chomp on a couple of Singulair and head off to bed for a good nights rest. Tomorrow is another day. From the looks of it, it will be a busy day to boot!

What a wonderful day!

2009-01-02T18:12:00.002-05:00

The day started out a bit 'iffy' and got sooo much better from there. I got a call from the landlord of the apartment I was looking at. She said that there are issues going on in the apartment that she is not at liberty to discuss with me and I would not be able to rent get teh apartment. Hmmm! That's all I'm saying.

Then the NECTD buses weren't running today. I realized this after I got to Price Chopper and was waiting for the bus. I managed to get a in touch with a friend who brought me down to Danielson.

While I was waiting I talked with a landlord about an apartment I had found on Craig's List. I got to see it this afternoon and I am going to take it. It is not as big as the other. It is on the second floor...but someone recently said something about how people living with stairs tend to be healthier. The bedroom is painted a peachy color which I found rather pleasing. The kitchen is a good size (room for my computer there) with a substantially smaller living room than the other place. Well, the living room in the other place was soooo HUGE! I just needed to have this resolved. All in all it is not a bad place. It has a lovely porch which will be very nice come summer.

Now for the furniture part of my dilemma. I have a bed, couch, living room chair, trunk for a coffee table, TV & VCR/DVD combo unit and an airbed. Now for a desk, table set, bureau and entertainment center and all the odds & ends that go with apartment occupancy. I'm sure it will all come together quite nicely. That's just an article of faith. Life is good if I let it be.

And, while shopping at the Sally Store I managed to find some pants...SIZE 12's!!! That is very kewl. I also found another jacket. My orange jacket is quite warm and it is also getting quite big on me. ...AND I AM NOT LAMENTING THAT FACT ONE ITSY BITSY LITTLE BIT!!!!

So, I am going to hit craigslist and dream about furniture, glorious furniture for my new place. I look at a lot of things...VERY GOOD THING THAT I DON'T BUY LIKE I LOOK!!!! LMAO

Very interesting indeed....

2009-01-01T11:05:00.001-05:00

BBC NEWS

Food needs 'fundamental rethink'
By Mark Kinver
Science and environment reporter, BBC News

A sustainable global food system in the 21st Century needs to be built on a series of "new fundamentals", according to a leading food expert.

Tim Lang warned that the current system, designed in the 1940s, was showing "structural failures", such as "astronomic" environmental costs.

The new approach needed to address key fundamentals like biodiversity, energy, water and urbanisation, he added.

Professor Lang is a member of the UK government's newly formed Food Council.

"Essentially, what we are dealing with at the moment is a food system that was laid down in the 1940s," he told BBC News.

"It followed on from the dust bowl in the US, the collapse of food production in Europe and starvation in Asia.

"At the time, there was clear evidence showing that there was a mismatch between producers and the need of consumers."

Professor Lang, from City University, London, added that during the post-war period, food scientists and policymakers also thought increasing production would reduce the cost of food, while improving people's diets and public health.

"But by the 1970s, evidence was beginning to emerge that the public health outcomes were not quite as expected," he explained.

"Secondly, there were a whole new set of problems associated with the environment."

Thirty years on and the world was now facing an even more complex situation, he added.

"The level of growth in food production per capita is dropping off, even dropping, and we have got huge problems ahead with an explosion in human population."

Fussy eaters

Professor Lang lists a series of "new fundamentals", which he outlined during a speech he made as the president-elect of charity Garden Organic, which will shape future food production, including:

* Oil and energy: "We have an entirely oil-based food economy, and yet oil is running out. The impact of that on agriculture is one of the drivers of the volatility in the world food commodity markets."
* Water scarcity: "One of the key things that I have been pushing is to get the UK government to start auditing food by water," Professor Lang said, adding that 50% of the UK's vegetables are imported, many from water-stressed nations.
* Biodiversity: "Biodiversity must not just be protected, it must be replaced and enhanced; but that is going to require a very different way growing food and using the land."
* Urbanisation: "Probably the most important thing within the social sphere. More people now live in towns than in the countryside. In which case, where do they get their food?"

Professor Lang said that in order to feed a projected nine billion people by 2050, policymakers and scientists face a fundamental challenge: how can food systems work with the planet and biodiversity, rather than raiding and pillaging it?

The UK's Environment Secretary, Hilary Benn, recently set up a Council of Food Policy Advisers in order to address the growing concern of food security and rising prices.

Mr Benn, speaking at the council's launch, warned: "Global food production will need to double just to meet demand.

"We have the knowledge and the technology to do this, as things stand, but the perfect storm of climate change, environmental degradation and water and oil scarcity, threatens our ability to succeed."

Professor Lang, who is a member of the council, offered a suggestion: "We are going to have to get biodiversity into gardens and fields, and then eat it.

"We have to do this rather than saying that biodiversity is what is on the edge of the field or just outside my garden."

Michelin-starred chef and long-time food campaigner Raymond Blanc agrees with Professor Lang, adding that there is a need for people, especially in the UK, to reconnect with their food.

He is heading a campaign called Dig for Your Dinner, which he hopes will help people reconnect with their food and how, where and when it is grown.

"Food culture is a whole series of steps," he told BBC News.

"Whatever amount of space you have in your backyard, it is possible to create a fantastic little garden that will allow you to reconnect with the real value of gardening, which is knowing how to grow food.

"And once you know how to grow food, it would be very nice to be able to cook it. If you are growing food, then it only makes sense that you know how to cook it as well.

"And cooking food will introduce you to the basic knowledge of nutrition. So you can see how this can slowly reintroduce food back into our culture."

Waste not...

Mr Blanc warned that food prices were likely to continue to rise in the future, which was likely to prompt more people to start growing their own food.

He was also hopeful that the food sector would become less wasteful.

"We all know that waste is everywhere; it is immoral what is happening in the world of food.

"In Europe, 30% of the food grown did not appear on the shelves of the retailers because it was a funny shape or odd colour.

"At least the amendment to European rules means that we can now have some odd-shaped carrots on our shelves. This is fantastic news, but why was it not done before?"

He suggested that the problem was down to people choosing food based on sight alone, not smell and touch.

"The way that seeds are selected is about immunity to any known disease; they have also got to grow big and fast, and have a fantastic shelf life.

"Never mind taste, texture or nutrition, it is all about how it looks.

"The British consumer today has got to understand that when they make a choice, let's say an apple - either Chinese, French or English one - they are making a political choice, a socio-economic choice, as well as an environmental one.

"They are making a statement about what sort of society and farming they are supporting."

Growing appetite

The latest estimates from the UN Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) show that another 40 million people have been pushed into hunger in 2008 as a result of higher food prices.

This brings the overall number of undernourished people in the world to 963 million, compared to 923 million in 2007.

The FAO warned that the ongoing financial and economic crisis could tip even more people into hunger and poverty.

"World food prices have dropped since early 2008, but lower prices have not ended the food crisis in many poor countries," said FAO assistant director-general Hafez Ghanem at the launch of the agency's State of Food Insecurity in the World 2008 report.

"The structural problems of hunger, like the lack of access to land, credit and employment, combined with high food prices remain a dire reality," he added.

Professor Lang outlined the challenges facing the global food supply system: "The 21st Century is going to have to produce a new diet for people, more sustainably, and in a way that feeds more people more equitably using less land."

Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/science/nature/7795652.stm

Published: 2008/12/27 19:24:38 GMT

© BBC MMIX

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?

2008-12-31T08:09:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been a busy week. Getting ready for the Alkathon has taken up a lot of my time. I've washed a lot of toys, finished off the program, started cooking the 3-bean soup for the New Year's Day potluck and taken care of other details as well. It's always bout the details it seems. Anyway, I am psyched and ready to go.

I woke up this morning fully expecting to see a load of snow on the ground, but the inclement weather has not settled in yet. Here's hoping it stays away for a bit longer!!! There's still some set up to do and the banner to get done. Yup! Them details are certainly a bear!!! LOL

Yesterday I put on about 4 or 5 miles walking. Not bad at all. I started out trying to walk to Price Chopper in Putnam from the house so I could catch the NECTD bus. I was at Dunkin Donuts on Woodstock Avenue at 9:45 AM. Not close enough to make the 9:55 bus to Danielson. When what should appear but a friend on her way into Danielson asking me if I was exercising or if would like a ride somewhere. That was too KEWL! I do so enjoy life's pleasant little surprises!

I walked from United Services to QVCC after my appointment. I love that walk for some reason. It's not especially long but I find Rock Avenue a peaceful venue. Then again, I also like walking to meetings. It reminds me that I am still willing to go to any length. That is a reality that I need to keep close to me. That is one of my positives!

After the meeting (it was a good meeting) I headed over towards downtown and ended up getting a ride to the club for a bit. Well, I was gonna go a-visiting but that didn't work out so I hung out at the library, checked by emails and made myself busy. I've always loved the library...since I was a kid. It was my little hide out. It was a safe place...still is.

Went shopping with Carrie, her grandmother and the girls for a bit. It is so funny to see Kimmy in action. She wants to wear boys clothes which drives grandma crazy. Reminds me of all the go-rounds I had with my mom bout the very same thing. Carrie says she was the same way when she was a kid. I guess history does have a way of repeating itself. Anyway, Carrie and I drifted off with Kimmy to the boys' section while Grandma and Robin scoured the girls' section for clothes. A good time was had by all!!! LOL

I had called my friend from Woodstock about a ride home from the meeting, but he had other plans. I was winging it at that point, but I wanted to make the Danielson meeting so I went figuring it would all work out. Lo and behold, he was there as his plans had fallen through so I had a ride back to Woodstock. It's true what they say, "If you can get to a meeting, you can always get a ride home from a meeting." I don't think faith isn't about all that religious stuff, it's just believing that the universe is unfolding as it should. With a day like yesterday, how could I believe any differently?

So, it's time to stir the soup and start on the rest of my day. Have a good one today and a better one tomorrow. Till we meet again as we trudge the road of happy destiny, be well my friends.

ALLERGIES! ARGH!

2008-12-22T21:23:00.002-05:00

Yuppers these eyes are an allergy thang! That's what my doctor tells me. Well, aint that dandy and all. I guess it just figures. Last Monday I saw her and she put me on Singulair and now this. She suggested I try some over the counter Claritan but I think not.

I will continue to sleep on two pillows instead of one and use the ice pack. I found those suggestions online. They seemed to help a bit but the itchiness and the tenderness around the eyes is still an issue. I'm dealing with it...not liking it especially...but dealing with it.

I was on Claritan about two years ago or so maybe. One night I woke up about 3 AM in the middle of the very worst anxiety/panic/holy crap attack I ever had. I haven't had anything like that happen since I have been off of it. The jittery was bad enough, but that anxiety attack in the middle of the night was intolerable. I am not going to go that route again unless it is absolutely necessary.

I am still breathing. It is not NECESSARY yet. LOL

On the brighter side, today I walked and walked and walked. YEEHAW! I took the NECTD bus to Dayville and got off at Killingly Commons. I did a bit of window shopping and then headed across the street to the doctor's. Then I took the bus to Danielson and walked around downtown for a while. Next I was off to Putnam and I walked from Price Chopper up to St. Phillip's for the Alkathon meeting. Keep in mind, I did all this walking with a 25-30 lb. back pack on my back. I had grabbed all the books for the meeting and taken them with me so I would have them for this evening. Well, let me tell you, walking in snow with a heavy backpack is quite the workout if you want my opinion.

I came home and took a lovely shower with lots and lots of hot water. Oh the steam is wonderful. It's not just me, the doctor says it will help keep my sinsues happy and clear. The idea of easier breathing is very appealing these days. Go figure, huh?

I am going to be going to my dad's for our annual Christmas supper tomorrow night. We always do our holiday thing separate from the holiday. That works out well. I will be doing the Pomfret meeting and then going to help my sponsor prepare for her Christmas Eve Open House. I won't actually make the open house as I go to Joan's on Christmas Eve. It's a family tradition, one which I rather enjoy. It's about the only time I get to see Georgie, Lena, Phil, Annie and their kids. Holiday traditions with family is nice.

Then I will do the 11 PM mass at Trinity in Brooklyn. There's something about the late night mass that I really like, maybe it is the karma of the thing. (LOL)

I am planning on getting down to the club on Christmas Day. I will bring the banner for the Alkathon so we can work on it there. Saturday was the day to get the thing done but the weather did not cooperate. Thank goodness for plan B.

Carrie's grandmother called and Sue called. Carrie is among the missing according to them. I don't agree with someone from the rooms telling a non-AA whether someone was at a meeting or not...and helping them by tracking down folks from other meetings to see if she was there is over the top.

It is what is. Whether she was where she said she was gonna be and whether she is where others think she is supposed to be is not something that I want to be dragged into. I really don't need the drama (like anyone really needs drama) in my life. So I was very curt during that phone conversation which ended very quickly.

Well, my Singulair is making me rather tired. I think that I shall grab my ice pack, go rest on my two pillows and then drift off to sleep all comfy cozy in my nice soft bed. Ahhhh! Good night all!

The "EYES" have it...

2008-12-21T17:28:00.002-05:00

I just don't know what IT is!

I was okay around 5 am when I woke up with a bladder call. Then, when I woke up again aroudn 8 am, the 'bags' under my eyes were SWOLLEN. I mean, they feel weird and all. I called my pharmacist to make sure I wasn't having a reaction to the Singulair. Apparently, I am all set on that front.

I took a 3+ hour nap today. I almost never feel tired enough to actually hit the hay in the middle of the day. I don't do those 20 minute power naps. I need hours of sleep once I am in that mode.

I woke up tired and applied the heating pad. I've been getting muscle spasms again and I can feel them right on the edge. It's odd. My muscle spasms are usually a night thing, not a waking thing yet, here they are. My hip is killing me...from the inside out. Today it seems the groin area of my hip is soooo painful. OWIES!

I got up about 4:30 and started supper. I felt okay to begin as I started cooking. It's sitting in front of me, even as I type but my stomach isn't feeling 100% now. I've got that 'almost queasy' feeling. ICK! I want to go and hit my bed yet again. My head feels full and I keep having these spastic coughing jags.

My eyes are feeling real itchy right now and my cheeks are starting to get that itchy feeling as well. I know something is definitely up. And that would be something besides the yellow stuff I keep blowing out of my nose and hack up regularly.

I have a vague recollection of having had this eye thing before. I can't remember the who, what, when, where or why's of it though. I'm not sure if it is related to my upper respiratory stuff or not. But, it would be nice to be able to take a nice deep breath. It would be nice if my eyes and face stopped itching. It would be nice if my stomach stopped doing flip flops. Lots of things would be welcomed right now.

I just came across this...

2008-12-18T07:46:00.002-05:00

I just came across this article on the BBC. A gentleman at church just went through the effort to estblish a playground for handicap children as his youngest daughter has some physical challenges. I had read the article about that in the paper a bit ago. If I didn't know them (Nate and Nora) I might not have bothered to read this. If I hadn't read this, you might not be reading this now either. Take the time to check this out. It's is very neat!!

BBC NEWS
Accessible toys help disabled

By Geoff Adams-Spink
Age & disability correspondent, BBC News website

As the Christmas rush goes into top gear for the final week of shopping, spare a thought for those who have a disabled child to buy for: many of the hi-tech toys available are unsuitable - or at least they were until now.

AbilityNet - a charity whose mission is to make technology accessible to people with all sorts of disabilities - has launched a range of toys suitable for children whose motor skills and dexterity are limited.

They range from a collection of soft toys that sing songs and move in time to the music to a head-mounted controller for games consoles and battery-powered cars and boats.

There is also a range of arcade-style computer games that can be played using a single key or an external switch.

Inclusive Christmas

AbilityNet has formed a partnership with Excitim Ltd - a company that uses technology originally created to help a young boy who was paralysed from the neck down in a car accident.

The Dream-Products range is being marketed through the charity's website, and it uses any money it makes to subsidise its free services for disabled people.

"For many children, play options are severely limited by their condition," said AbilityNet's development director, David Banes.

"Play is critical to the social, psychological and educational development of our young people, as well as their well-being and self confidence."

Mr Banes - a former special school headteacher - says that he hopes the toys will create "a truly inclusive Christmas for disabled youngsters".

The soft toys - which cost just under £40 - are brought to life by using an external switch.

Mastering consoles

For children who are non-verbal, switches are likely to play an important role in their ability to interact with the world around them.

So establishing a link between cause and effect at an early age is crucial to a child's development.

At the Willow Dene special school in south-east London, the children in the nursery class use switches for a variety of activities - interacting with a computer, operating a fan or a lamp and animating a toy in a group storytelling session.

Assistant-headteacher, Claire Barnes, says that the soft toys are a welcome addition.

"At this level, a lot of the children are developing an understanding of cause and effect...and that's a really key part of learning to communicate," she told the BBC.

"They [the soft toys] are fantastic - they really motivate the children...almost all of them can gain something from the responses the toys make when they hit the switch."

Older disabled children have often found computer and console games difficult to master because several buttons have to be operated simultaneously.

Barrie Ellis from Billericay in Essex runs a website called oneswitch.org.uk that is a resource for developers of one-switch games and those looking for new titles.

He says that, all too often, games publishers adopt a "one size fits all" approach.

"It is a fairly common problem that a lot of game developers don't give a lot of consideration to," he said.

"But there are certainly a lot of alternatives out there now."

One-switch PC titles include Frogger, Whacka Monty Mole (which should appeal to those who like hitting things) and an "on rails" space shoot-em-up called Aurikon.

Mr Ellis also believes that, with a bit of imagination and perhaps some help from friends or family, games consoles also lend themselves to use with a switch interface.

"You can play as a team - you could have one person using the traditional joypad controller while another person uses a switch."

Fancy headgear

The Dream Gamer incorporates tilt switches into a baseball cap to provide a joystick-type interface for the Playstation. With the right adapter, it can also be used with other consoles.

And the same concept is behind the Dream Racer: a tilt of the head - up, down, left or right - will operate a remote-controlled model car or boat.

At around £160 for the Dream Racer (depending on which radio-controlled model is chosen) and £120 for the Dream Gamer, these are certainly not cheap options.

But for disabled children who have had to watch as friends and siblings enjoy the fun, there is now an alternative.
Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/2/hi/technology/7783486.stm

Published: 2008/12/17 09:56:23 GMT

© BBC MMVIII

UNCLE!!!

2008-12-15T11:29:00.002-05:00

Last night was gawd-awful! After my long, hot, soothing bath...ahhhh....I hopped into bed to cough and spit my way through the night. I'd love to lay down to sleep, but I doubt sleep is possible as I am coughing spastically with little reprieve. My ribs hurt, my hips hurt, my lower back hurts, my right shoulder hurts like hell, my head hurts and sometimes my face even hurts! AND MY EARS WON'T STOP ITCHING!!! I am going nucking futs with that! I can't stand it! OHMIGAWD!!!

The good news is that the twitching in my airway seems to be pretty much gone. The bad news is that my rescue inhaler, which was providing some relief, is now useless. Then there is the phlegm coming up in living color yellow. ICK!

I spent an hour in the shower this morning and all I managed to do, besides stand there to allow the gloriously hot, soothing water to pour all over me, is wash my hair...oh, and cough and cough and cough.

Ordinarily I would throw myself at the mercy of the nearest couch and veg out in front of the television, but even on a good day, sitting on the couch makes me cough and cough and cough. The cats sit there. Those damn allergies! Somehow, since I already have these breathing issues I can't help but think that the couch would be almost a suicide maneuver at this point.

Now, for my next amazing feat, I shall put my sneakers on, aching lower back and all. Film at eleven...you just have to figure out where! LMAO

YET AGAIN!!!

2008-12-14T21:42:00.002-05:00

It started getting bad again last night. I should have known. Between going to the auction in a car with smokers and sitting behind the ladies at church yesterday who apparently feel the need to dive into a 55 gallon drum of perfume before going out in public...well, my breathing is rather impaired right now. Not to mention my ears are soooooooo freaking itchy I want to scream. I thought perhaps I was sick or something but my 97.5 F temperature doesn't really say sick to me. Besides, the twitching in my throat is responding quite nicely to my rescue inhaler. UGH! Well, it responds quite nicely for a little while and then I am back to square one way before I am supposed to take another dose of it.

I feel like I just can't cough like I used to do. I noticed that right after the surgery cause I was having these same symptoms two days after I got home. Back then I chocked it up to those stitches and the healing process. I still can't cough the way I used to but it was a deep, hacking, bronchitis cough back then. Now it just seems when something triggers this I just can't breathe for days till it gets better on its own though the runny nose just hasn't ever gone completely away since September. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! I am going to call my doctor tomorrow. I had to use my rescue inhaler last night and all day today so tonight I will sleep with the fool thing in my pocket so I don't have to grope in the dark for it.

I could use another dose of my inhaler, but I just took my last puffs at around 8 PM. That is only 2 hours ago. The twitching (some kind of spasm?) is back and in full swing. My throat hurts from my nonproductive, spasmodic coughing. I got to get another hobby, fer sure.

I am running my bath water, even as I type. My shower this morning felt soo wonderful. Of course, it always does. My poor aching joints don't move until I loosen them up with hot water. This morning I was breathing much easier after the steam infected my lungs but I wasn't 100% even with that. I want to sit, relax and maybe listen to some music. I feel exhausted from trying to get enough oxygen to keep my lungs happy. I'm pretty sure this is not good.

On the lighter side of things...the Xmas party at the club went off as planned. Lots of food, folks and fun. The kids had a good time. My little buddy Trevor wasn't too sure about sitting on Santa's lap so I offered to sit on one knee while he sat on the other. He managed to quit squirming till mom and grandma got some pics of us. I had a good time even if I did manage to provide fodder for future blackmail attempts. LMAO Truth be told, if I can get some copies of them, I may post those pics here and beat them to the punch line. So, keep an eye out...you just never know with me!!!

THREE SURPISE DAYS IN A ROW!!!

2008-12-13T16:50:00.003-05:00

Let's recap...Thursday I was gonna do a couple of meetings and then do the NORML support group at the hospital. Well, the weather wasn't especially cooperative so after the morning meeting I did a couple of errands instead of the second meeting. THEN, Thursday night there was no support group at DKH. I had told Loren at church about it. He and I were the only two who showed up. There was no cancellation notice that I was aware of so we sat and chatted for a bit.

Friday, I was gonna to Mrs. Gunderson do some cleaning but Carrie's dad ended up at UMASS so we spent the day up there. Her grandmother was worried sick and really didn't need to be alone. Carrie wasn't sure what to do. After Gregg stabilized I made a billion calls (seemed like I did) from the hospital so I could get to the auction to get the items for the party on Sunday. Well, Linda, Cathie and I ended up at the auction...and a GOOD TIME was had by all. They had never been there. Emily picked me up at the club to get me back home. The strategics of it all was absolutely amazing. It all worked out but I still have no idea how that came to be.

This morning I was going to do the meeting at DKH but Jeanne's father called. He was stranded at Westover Air Force Base. He had taken a flight there last night and his brother was iced in up north. Sooo...I head there this morning instead of to my meeting. It was a bit tricky...my directions were to the Westover Airport, not the base. Fortunately, they are something of the nature of siamese twins in a military-parred-down-and-turned-over-to-municipality-kinda-way. Mission accomplished though I did get lost for a bit on the way home which caused a 20 minute delay. Oh well. All's well that ends well. Her dad made it to the wedding! VERY KEWL!!!

And, a lovely wedding it was. The ceremony was beautiful with so many family and friends to join in the joy! The music, the readings, the whole kit'n'caboodle was just fabulous. It really all did come together wonderfully. I'm so glad for them. They were just beaming and glowing. It was a delight to be a witness to that!

I'm bringing Beth and Jeanne to Warwick tonight. They decided that instead of getting up early to hit the airport they would spend the night in Warwick so they could be relaxed and refreshed for their flight. I still don't know what time I will be doing that. It all depends on when they get back from the church. I came home bout an hour ago. I needed to get out of the crowds. There was a lot of perfume around. thought of surgically implanting my rescue inhaler is very enticing at this point. Besides, I still have the headache I woke up with this morning. Less noise seemed like a winning idea.

The temperatures are dropping which is kind of a bummer. I was just gonna leave my skirt on for the ride but I may switch to something warmer like long johns and pants...LOL. I am going to pick up the color books and crayons, probably on my way back from dropping them off so I will be out even later...and later is colder in dropping temperatures. It's an interesting turn of events. Before I couldn't wait to get out of my dress clothes and now I rather enjoy being well-dressed. The times they are a-changing!

I made some rice crispy treats for tomorrow's Xmas party. They are chilling even as I type. I shall gather up the kids' Xmas movies (Charlie Brown & Frosty...cause I wanna see them!), Santa's bag and the other miscellaneous so I am ready for tomorrow.

Loren is having an open house which starts just before the club party. I am going to go there for a bit. He told me he has a couple of couches that he can offer me when I move. I thought I would scope them out and see if they would fit the apartment I am hoping to move into. He even offered his truck to help me move whatever I have to move. That is so sweet of him.

So, after church I will stop at the club, finish getting everything ready and then dash off to the open house for a bit with time to get back to Danielson before Santa arrives. Busy? You bet your butt I am!!! It feels good.

If tomorrow doesn't turn out the way I planned, I won't be exactly surprised. I seem to be on a run of changed plans lately but going with the flow seems to be working for me. Change is good...and to know that is to live it! Right before the holidays, schedules seem to change again and again and again. That's just par for the course. Today I'm okay with that.

I freakin lost it tonight!

2008-12-10T21:39:00.002-05:00

So, I'm on the phone with someone who is dicking me around about getting the raffle books to the raffle chair person...

Well, I was nice at first. Let's get this done. Let's get this to the right person. Let's not wait until the last minute. And I get the um, ahh, well, ohh, um, ahhhh, geez crap as she is trying to think of a way to avoid doing that. I said enough. Let's get this to the person whose taken on this responsibility so they can do their job I'm not liking being put off like this.

Well, I'll talk to him. So I hand the phone to him and she goes off on him cause of what I said. I think she thought she could harass and intimidate him. I heard her yelling at him from like 20 paces. I pout the speaker phone on and she is being verbally abusive and just downright vile to this guy cause she thinks he is the "weak link" in the organization. She can't yell at the rest of us...is that it?

Well, I took my cell phone back and I laid into her. She hung up just as I got started. I told her if she had a beef with anything I said, she should take it up with me not take it out on an innocent person. I am so glad it was a phone situation...I was a very thin pubic hair away from losing all reasonable control.

This idiot thinks she can intimidate a man into getting her way. His voice was shaking and his hands were unsteady. I can't believe she thought she could do that and get away with it. I'm not going to throw someone to the wolves (or a she-wolf) and walk away letting them fend for themselves. Her issue was with me not my friend. She just saw him as the easy target, THE EASY MARK FOR HER BULLYING! That was truly SICK!!!!! And I would have told her exactly what I thought of her bullshit if I had had a bit more time on that phone. I got enough in to let her know exactly where I was coming from. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

I am so glad that I don't have to deal with this sadistic individual on a regular basis. Taking your anger out on someone cause you think they won't fight back is just plain pathetic. It's the mark of the school yard bully. There's not enough Valium in the western hemisphere (remember that aspirin commercial?)...which is good, cause just don't get me started! LOL I'd like a nice warm bath right now to calm me down, mellow me out, relax me. The tub wouldn't be full until midnight and my patience is not something I want to test right now. Maybe a shower...yeah, that might do the trick to wash off those dirty dealings.

My stress level is way up right now. I've got to do some things to take care of me and help me relax. Usually by this time, the television is shut off and there is peace and quiet in my space. TV sucks!!! The house guests are watching something or other. I have to play music when I go to bed so that I'm not bothered by the boob tube. It drives me crazy...and I don't need to drive there, it's really a short walk.

I want to throw the TV out of the flipping window. It's news all day...the same news channel with the same stories and interviews .... AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. Waterboarding has nothing on this. The company leave the TV for a couple of hours while they are off doing other stuff and cop an attitude when they get back cause I shut it off. Well, for pete's sake, if I am home alone and don't want to listen to the damn thing shutting it off is much better than throwing it out the window.

I know it's only television but this is really getting to me. All I do is remember the fights that Kay and I had. Real ugly fights. She'd leave the TV on in the bedroom to go watch TV in the living room and get pissed cause I shut off the TV in the bedroom so I could sleep. Two TV's in two rooms and one person watching and I couldn't have any freaking peace and quiet. I am reliving and reliving and reliving crap that I want to bury in the back yard but my mind keeps dredging it up. Curling up in a ball until I have peace and quiet is sounding REAL inviting. I'm 47 years old and I want to run away from home. UNCLE! I AM CRYING UNCLE!!!

OHMIFFORKINGWORD!!! THE TV IS OFF! I REPEAT THE TV IS OFF!!! OH JOYOUS DAY! OH GLORIOUS NIGHT!!!! I won't have to play music to go to sleep by tonight. There is a god! There is a god! And the gods have had mercy on me.

Yup! I am gonna grab my stuff and take a nice shower and R E L A X for just a little bit so I can doze off ever-peacefully. It really is the little things like being able to hear the hum of my computer and the thoughts floating around between my two ears.

YEEHAW!!!!!!!

A Holiday Dazzle Day!!!

2008-12-07T20:47:00.004-05:00

I don't know how the apartment I was interested in is going to work out. But, I know somehow things will work out. So, I have adopted what I call my Doris Day attitude. "Que sera, sera." If not there, I will find another. There are lots of folks willing to keep an eye out for me. They want to see me back in town so they will ask their landlords, pass along numbers and keep look out for empty apartments.

I take as a tenet of faith (no, not that religious stuff) that the universe is unfolding as it should and I shall find my path and my place. It amazes me how sometimes I can just feel the "flow" of time and space deep within, feeling the reassurance that no matter what happens, no matter how life unfolds, all will be well. I don't need to possess the answers, I just need to seek and the answers will take care of themselves.

I went to the club for the breakfast, had some delicious scrambled eggs (yeah Deb!), had a good time, touched based with lots of folks and we finished off the plans for the Kid's Xmas Party. It feels so good to be involved, participating, working on the positives. I think I needed to come to Woodstock to get ready for the surgery and begin my recovery process, but I am also sure it is time to get on with my life, following my path. It's interesting that at times in my life I have a clear focus and direction. This is a relatively recent discovery (since recovery), but I am really liking it.

I was at the Thriftique in Putnam today and I found a skirt (yes, I said skirt...not a type for shirt) and a pair of jeans. I even had a chance to wander through the antique stores, browsing and reminiscing. I was in the old Bugbees building remembering which department was where, looking at things of old that predated even Bugbees. It was an interesting juxtaposition of time and memory and reality. I was feeling rather philosophical today. Is philosophical a mood? There are times that my thoughts flow that way...peaceful, introspective, quiet times. It's nice change of pace from my quick witted, zany, energetic, typical self.

I went to the Holiday Dazzle Parade this evening. This was my second year going and it was a wonderful parade, beautiful floats and lots of participants. HOWEVER... Holy moley, Mrs. Foley! It was so freaking cold. I saw about 1/2 to 3/4 of the parade and then went and sat in Danielle and Bob's car (with the heat on) where my toes proceeded to ache and pain and send lightening bolts of pain right down to my bone marrow! They said it was the COLDEST parade day ever! I can believe that. The turnout was relatively small, kids were crying and lots of folks left early cause they couldn't stand the cold. The wind was hellacious! The weather went south just after 4:15 PM or so. I had been wandering around town before that blissfully comfortable in the moderate temperature.

I was wearing long john's under my jeans, boot socks with my boots and a turtle neck, a heavy sweater, a fleece vest and a coat that is good for probably 20 below along with mittens which I promptly slid up the sleeves of my jacket (it's good to have short arms), hands and all as well as a scarf and a fleece head thing-a-ma-jig for my ears. I was NOT sweating but I was not uncomfortably chilled either. EXCEPT FOR MY TOES, which I knew felt cold up until the minute the pain shot through me, urging me to run for the warmth and safety of HEAT! Defrosting them was quite the bear. It hasn't hurt that much since I was a little kid. Losing the weight has certainly affected the quality of my winter insulation!!! LOL

Trevor, Danielle's four year old (and my little buddy) made it all the way through the parade. He was there for the fire trucks...fire trucks and construction equipment are his things. That child is a real T R O O P E R ! ! ! The fire trucks were the VERY LAST part of the parade. He was absolutely delighted and completely satisfied that he had seen what he came to see. The moment warmed my heart so much that I could barely recall my frozen toes.

It was a wonderful day. I do wish Anne had called to let me know how Romeo (the Rottweiler) was doing. She brought him to the vet yesterday cause he was having an issue with moving his hind legs that may have been neurological. They gave her some pain meds and anti-inflammatory stuff for him to see if it would help the situation. He has an appointment with a specialist on the 16th. She was so anxious about him. She's worried about him not being okay and the prices for a nerve test with dye (I forgot the name of it) and an MRI are through the flipping roof. She'd willingly pay any amount...her husband doesn't feel the same. I'm praying that Romeo gets to feeling better on the meds...for him and for Anne. At least then, she will have time to figure out where to go from here. It's a tough one!

Wow! It's been a whole week! Who'da thunk?

2008-12-06T08:02:00.002-05:00

Well, I've been rather busy. Went to New Haven on Wednesday. I lost another 11 pounds which I consider way kewl. I don't go back now for another 3 months. I am wiating on the results of some blood work. I told them about my muscle spasms (which I've had on and off since I was a kid). They are checking electrolytes among other things.

I used to take a product called EMERGEN 'C' but it is a fizzy drink and not on my diet at this point. That stuff worked like a charm. I did some Googling last night and have found some other electrolyte replacement items that are not fizzy. I am hoping they will help. Waking up screaming from god-only-knows-where spasms is not my idea of a good time...never has been come to think of it.

Sue and Carrie were both supposed to come along for the ride. Sue has been interested in finding out more about the surgery but she canceled so it was Carrie and I. Well, we hit a few second hand stores and I managed to pick up a few things. I go through clothes so fast! (That's an observation, not a complaint!!! LOL) I didn't find any pants, which is a bummer. Somehow I managed to "lose" a pair of green pants. Jeanne and Beth assure me they are not mixed in with their things, though I would be more confident of that statement if they had actually bothered to look. So, I am down to six pairs of pants with only four pairs of casual pants. Keeping up with laundry is a challenge!

Sue knew I was planning on shopping so she calls at 2 PM (my appointment was at 11:40 AM) to ask if we are near Danielson cause she would like a ride to the bank. I said, "NO." Then she kept calling to track our progress. Every call made Carrie more agitated. By 10:30 PM (yes, I am a shopaholic) Carrie was in tears and I was very suspicious. When we pulled up to the house Sue came out and bid me farewell with a "well it's past your bedtime so you better get going." It brought back memories of those days when partying was the MOST important thing in my life. I left feeling pretty sure what the game plan was from that point. Sad. Very, very sad.

I am so grateful to be sober today. I am so grateful to feel good about me today.

I did manage to basically finish my Xmas shopping on Wednesday. There's one or two loose ends, but the basics are done, done, done! I have spent the last couple of days wrapping with the Xmas music blaring.

Last night I put up my little tree in my room. I think it is all of 18" high, but it is a cute one. I am definitely feeling the Xmas spirit...and it feels good!

Today is the Open House for "Stepping Stone Jewelry" and tomorrow is the club breakfast/open house. I won't make the breakfast but I have to stop by before to drop off the newest edition of THE WRENCH which I will print up this afternoon. Then I will stop by after as I am on the committee for the Kids Christmas Party. I want to get to church to touch base with a friend whose husband died last Sunday. Michelle has had a very rough year and can use all the support she can get right now.

Then, I am hoping to make it to the parade in Putnam. I had a lot of fun last year...first time ever I went. I think a repeat performance is in order. LOL

In between all that I have to work up the figures for the Alkathon budget and stop at Wally World to buy ink for my printer.

I wanted to tell Beth and Jeanne I was looking for a place before this weekend. They have house guests who will be here until after the wedding. Things are hectic. They are going to Boston to see Beth's nephew in a play. I was originally invited but apparently that thought got lost in the excitement of company. It sucks to be overlooked but I grew up with that so I will adjust as I always have. Of course, this confirms for me that this is not the place I need to stay.

I will find a way to stay busy tonight. Last week I used the car to pick up a couple of old friends for a meeting. It was nice to be able to offer a ride to someone who was always willing to pick me up. Touching base with old friends is always a pleasure.

There's always so many positive things to do, so many positives to seek out in life if I am willing to do the foot work. I feel so blessed today...like the man in the moon is smiling down on me.